Week 43 of #TWmemorymondays - it's where I share a memory of mine and paint inspired by the memory - while dispelling shame, addressing identity issues, and basically figuring out how to be a present and loving human by exploring the past. Every week of this whole year, I talk through my jumbled memory and thoughts through instastories (see highlights), paint, and then write about it here.

This week felt weirdly vulnerable to me...maybe because it calls out how this still is still so prominent in my life. OK let's get into it. This is (once again) a memory that isn't an isolated memory.

After college, which was a dark period of toxic relationship with my body, I went into the singer/songwriter world, where I wrote and performed a lot. I remember this particular show that had a bigger audience than usual, and I was anxious about it. It wasn't about music or logistics, but it was about wanting to be seen as skinny.

PAUSE: Let's talk about weight fluctuation. My weight naturally fluctuates from season to season, from different parts of my cycle, from year to year, as I'm growing older, from stress, and probably a million other factors. So I was hoping in that memory that I would be in an up swing in my fluctuations - where I had a slim body and face.

What I would routinely do is become super cautious or at least guilty of what I ate leading up to the performance. I would hope that I would either lose a couple pounds OR/AND be in the week after my period where I have the least water weight and bloating. Then the night before the performance, I would "discipline" myself to not have anything salty, because I knew that it would make my look heavier the day after because of water retention. No popcorn or salty snacks. I did that for many years before anything significant would happen - beyond shows. I might not go on a diet but I would feel guilty for eating anything that was a vegetable.

Honestly, I still have that mental mindset now. I definitely still do that no salt rule before important events, because I'm afraid that people will think or notice that I've gained weight. I recently have had anxiety of gaining weight, because winter is coming and cold weather weight happens to me every year.

As I'm writing and exploring wellness, having self kindness, mindfulness, race, and all the things, I think that I have to not dismiss this weight/body piece as often as I do. Because accepting and loving myself WHILE my weight does change and fluctuate is crucial in accepting myself as a Chinese woman etc. These are some reasons: 1. Skinny does NOT mean beautiful. 2. All the energy spent on how people perceive my body is harmful to me and others 3. Loving myself through change is directly connecting to loving others.

In my instastories, I offer two practical tips that I will try to adopt, and you might be interested in doing so too!

Lastly, I want to say weight gain/loss or not being able to gain/lose - it's all normal (unless you have an actual health problem that a wise doctor unswayed by the pharma culture has diagnosed). Your beauty and worth is infinite and is completely untouched by your weight. It's hard to believe, but I think that the more we practice retraining our minds, we can become lovers of self and humans.
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#TWmemorymondays: A painting inspired by a memory every Monday of 2018. Connecting abstract art to real life. Week 42/53. 'Flux' / 8x8 in / mixed media on paper