WEEK 45 of #TWmemorymondays!! We are nearing the end - I can't believe it.
If you didn't know, every week I talk through the memory through instastories, I then paint the piece, and lastly I write about it here. I think you get a better sense of me if you watch the stories, because you can see me process through it face to face. I have basically ALL of the memories/pieces in my highlights.
This week I have to first tell you that my sister had a baby last night!!!! And I'm a first time aunt!! The baby's name is Emery Selah and she is so loved. I just had to share that with you!
Ok the memory is another collective memory that represents a whole lot of conversations that I've had with many people. I'm going to expose what happens to me on the inside when race comes up (mostly when I talk to white people). It starts with an effort of being as optimistic as possible and being chill about it, because this could be a really great conversation - and that it's good to talk about. Under that there's a lot of fear.
Fear that they will say something that's racist (either in a subtle or obvious way - usually with a big dose of uninformed well intentioned ignorance). Fear that I might have to say something that pushes against that - and then having to face defensiveness, white tears, or having them not understand what I'm trying to say. Fear that I won't have the right words. Fear that it might make it awkward (at best) or damage the relationship. Fear that I might not say anything, and I'm going to have to manage my guilt. Fear to be seen as overly PC and sensitive. Fear that if the conversation doesn't go well, how will my body/mind/emotions will react - I know it won't be good. So many fears - some make it up to my brain and some that stay floating in the back ready to come up.
In the different conversations, this thing happens where it's not about Asians, but it's about black people. Maybe it's because the other person feels like since I'm not black there's more "safety" in being more free to express certain racist thoughts. Side note - the Asian community is pretty generally silent about race and is guilty for antiblackness. So while I talk mostly about white people doing this - certain POCs are not exempt. I'll address that another time!! Anyways hearing someone dehumanize black people and/or other POCs is just as traumatizing and hurtful. This doesn't just include talking negatively about POCs, but it's siding and defending the white offender.
It's a blantant ignorance and blindeyeing the bigger problem of systematic racism.
#TWmemorymondays: A painting inspired by a memory every Monday of 2018. Connecting abstract art to real life. Week 45/53. 'Internal Dialogue' / 8x8 in / mixed media on paper