Preaching to myself:
At the beginning to September I wrote the following two excerpts on Instagram, and reading it back just now made me tear up. I didn’t know what was in store for me. It was like I wrote this to my future self in preparation. This reminds me that the fight for a more peaceful and loving internal and external world requires DAILY investment. It requires us to have razor sharp focus to what we are prioritizing. The reason why I felt like I held my ground this month is because I’ve been preaching to myself every day about my worth, my healing, and the hope I have lies in decolonization. I preach this every day, but do I believe it or practice it all the time? Most definitely not. But I have people around me - voices speaking to me - that remind me of truth. Truth that I am not alone, and that it is not selfish or too much to prioritize BIPOC voices and bodies. My goal for my life, art, this platform is to use it to remind myself and the people I reach about this. Here are the two excerpts:
Finding refuge:
Where do you go to rest? Who do have to find comfort? And how do you prioritize these two things?
BIPOC are trained to think that we don't deserve these two things. We are told that we owe it to ourselves and to white people to spend all of our emotional/physical/mental/spiritual energy on helping them "get it." And white people are trained to take everything from BIPOC.
BIPOC, how can we resist? What's unjust is that we need to SPEND MORE ENERGY in fighting for rest and refuge. But it's necessary and it's about the long haul! We are in it together.
Week 36 of #TWintersectionalfridays:
When I do my talk throughs for this project, by the time I’m done and have written it out for the post, I’m EXHAUSTED. So much so I usually need to nap, because I could feel that headache coming on - the kind where you spend alot much energy in a short amount of time. Even though it zaps my energy, I LOVE it and would choose to spend my energy most days. It heals me to talk about things I care about and it also connects me to you.
So when I woke up this morning, I decided that I didn’t feel like spending that kind of energy today. So I’m not! It seems simple, but it’s not - for me.
I’ve denied my Spirit (as @dr.rosalesmeza would say) so much - and I’m practicing to be more in tuned with myself and ancestral wisdom. But it’s not natural yet. I’ve been taught by society to make decisions with the sole purpose to proving to others and myself that I’m “successful” under capitalism and white supremacy. So to decide to rest and not do what I set out to do is really really difficult. I’m confronted by feelings of guilt and embarrassment, because resting equates to laziness according to our societal values.
But THIS is the healing work. And it’s in real time! What an honor it is to work on redefining success and to rewire ways of being. BIPOC healing is in the every day. It’s in the big movements of speaking up publicly and it’s also in the small movements of taking a nap.
Intersectional Friday update:
Intersectional Fridays has been such a ride so far. In the past few months I’ve come to realization of spaces where I want to practice what I’m preaching. Particularly, this project has given me opportunities to prioritize my own wellness/mental health over productivity and self made commitments. Over the past 6 years of projects, I have NEVER given myself a break during it. I’ve always done things every single week for 53 weeks. This is the first year where I have taken breaks on weeks that it would seriously stress me out to make it happen. I also gave myself permission to move it from Friday to Saturday, because logistics were getting too impossible. This all might seem pretty minute, but for me it’s HUGE. I’m trained to ascribe my value to capitalistic/colonial definitions of productivity and success. Retraining my being in this is uncomfortable, but it’s needed. And I’m thankful for it.
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This is what I wrote for week 41, which really resonated with the IG community:
Today is week 41 of #TWintersectionalfridays! Its Saturday again, and it might be for awhile - because there’s really intense construction outside of my studio M-F. So today I’m going to talk about something that I commonly hear: Justice work is niche, a calling, a passion for some people. Watch my insastories or Highlight (Friday 41) - the following is a basically a dictation of what I said there.
There are many versions of basically the same thing that I hear being said: it is awesome that you’re doing this work because it’s YOUR thing - and everyone has their thing - and justice work just happens to be yours. My perception of its implications is that I have this justice skill set/niche that’s for me and not other people. And it makes me furious, because being able to see people’s worth, to make sure that systems and people acknowledge that worth ISN’T NICHE. IT ISN’T A CALLNG. Showing up for our neighbors, owning and working through implicit/explicit bias/racism, dismantling patriarchy/white supremacy/capitalism, decolonization ISN’T NICHE. IT ISN’T A CALLING.
All of those things are: basic human decency and we have a responsibility to ourselves and others to do our part, because we have HOPE for a better future.
When I hear that it’s a calling or a specific skill set to do justice work, it usually is an indulgence of privilege. White people can turn a blind eye and not really feel a difference. I have more to say about that another time - because it’s not really in their favor to do that.
So here are some things that are niche/calling/passion/skillset: painting, poetry, music, working in the education system, academia, therapy, tech, social media, etc. But the thing is: justice work can be done anywhere, with every skillset, in any sphere of influence, by anyone. Don’t box in basic human decency in or determine who gets to do it or not. We ALL need to be in it and practicing it daily.
Aoki fundraiser:
As many of you know, I’m part of the AOKI team. At the beginning of October, we put on our fall fundraiser! Make sure to follow AOKI on INSTAGRAM to learn more about the artists that were featured in this event. This fundraiser was SO inspiring to me. All the art and artists that were involved reminded me about the power of storytelling + art. Honored to have put this event on with the team, and sadly it will be my last. I’m leaving this beautiful non profit at the end of this year. Main reason is just to be open to new beginnings! So thankful for my 3+ years with AOKI!
Photos by Abigail Jackson
Art process - click here to watch
I made this piece for the AOKI Auction Wall
My AOKI art statement: “I am inspired by the value "Interrupt." My piece is about finding grounding and purpose in my life through constant interruption + disruption of internal and external oppression as a woman of color. Through the interruption, disruption, and dismantling, I can find true peace and joy that is radical. This coming into is not only liberating to me as an individual, but it is expansive - interrupting and uplifting the broader community.”
Then, I decided to explore this concept. The first thing that I wanted to lay down is the rusty red half oval shape. I’ve been really draw to this shape, because it feels very grounding but this time it reminds me of ancestry/saints/halo/homage. Grounding goes so much farther than my grounding - it extends far further than I can see and I have a long line of ancestors that I pull from. There is JOY in that grounding. There is Peace in decolonization. There is Liberation in allowing myself to draw from these places.
Interruption from the norm is uncomfortable and painful most of the time, but seeing white supremacy and systems of oppression is the kind of disruption I want. We are constantly interrupted in life, but what kind of interruption are we intentionally inviting in. Breaking free colonizing is disrupting, healing, and liberating all at the same time. Those shards of interruptions don’t touch my core grounding.
That grounding comes from a lineage far behind me, AND the healing that I am currently experiencing will go far out before me. Those movements of joy and liberation are infinite! I love to paint to the edges of the paper, because I imagine it going on forever and taking on different forms.
Books:
Pleasure Activism by Adrienne Maree Brown. I finished this book, and I will always treasure it. This is something I wrote about one of the essays:
I just read @amitaswadhin essay in Pleasure Activism by @adriennemareebrown and it wrecked me. Isn’t it amazing how reading and listening to certain things at the exactly perfect time can be such a transcendent experience? Just yesterday I was thinking about this and it aligns with what I just read:
Do I believe that there is something within me that I can run towards that is infinitely worthy, beautiful, and glorious?
I find myself constantly having to look at my inner child and remind myself to have so much compassion. Compassion towards coping mechanisms and ways to make sense of the world and myself under white supremacy/patriarchy/capitalism. Now that I am further in my healing process, I’m learning how to decipher between true joy/pleasure vs. self numbing/self escape.
Self numbing is a mirage. Escape from reality is a lie.
Sometimes I feel like that numbing or escape feels like its our only option - we are all resilient humans who are meant to survive. There is so much patience and compassion for that. But there is a source of power, and it's in us. It’s in me!
Pleasure and joy are rooted in the reality of the present.
Are you with me?? There’s something in REALITY that is safe and beautiful and glorious and it’s readily accessible to all of us. My question to myself is what would it look like to experience thrill/joy/pleasure as an extension and not distraction of myself.
visualization:
Over the years, I’ve learned and am continually learning about tools to self heal and to heal communally. Here is something that is helpful for me to pull out of my tool kit, and to know it is always accessible for me.
I want to share a visualization that I do when I feel like I’m going to lose my grounding. When I feel gaslit by myself or others. When I feel unsure of my mission.
I imagine this: that my being extends through my feet like strong roots through the ground, through the soil, through to the core of the earth. And I imagine that my face and heart rise up really high filling the sky. And there’s a soft smile on my face because I know that I am full of worth, deserve to love and be loved well, and my purpose is to thrive and in doing so support others in it too.
I know that systems of oppression will tell BIPOC that it is selfish to take up space and to actually know our worth. So the act of living into the TRUTH of our dignity is radical resistance.
Prioritizing our wellness through BIPOC JOY/decolonization/transformative justice isn’t selfish.
BIPOC: What are techniques that you use when you feel shaky?
Something new:
Artwise, I feel something new simmering. I don’t know what it is or how different it will be, but I know it’s around the corner. Currently, I feel like I’m at a stand still. It’s a good opportunity for me to hold space for myself and not to rush. If you’re also feeling a creative block, I encourage you to be patient and curious about it. Sometimes new things are birthed from times like these!