Priorities:
It’s December 14 as I’m writing this, and I have all the feels. My neck, shoulders, and lower back are really tight and painful from hypervigilence (learning a lot of this with my friend Brit) of being ready to be braced for things to not work out or be affronted by people’s racism/ignorance/etc. I’ve taken a step back from pumping out instagram content and producing art making space for more rest. And it feels good to give myself permission to do that!
The end of the year always beckons me to take inventory of the year and to set intentions for the new year. This year it is a lot of grieving of what shouldn’t be, but also a healthier awareness of how to interact with reality and how to heal with patience and grace. Being trauma informed allows me to interact with myself with so much more compassion, and that already feels so much more freeing. Thinking back on the year, I am so thankful to learn the importance of prioritizing my holistic wellness above all else. It really is true that being able to serve the community starts with believing in my own worth. It’s easy to write and talk about how important it is to value Black and Brown bodies - but to actually prioritize my own brown body is very very difficult. Now that the end of the year is quickly approaching, I am so excited to continue on this journey that is trauma informed, inner child nurturing, Black and brown human prioritizing, and joy filled.
trip home:
In November I went home for a couple of days for my niece’s birthday! It was SO GOOD to be back in California and with family. LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!
Being critical vs negative
Being critical vs negative
Talking about BIPOC healing, it is NEEDED to be able to see things through the lens of decolonization and also be able to express it. I believe that seeing the world through that len's is not only necessary for BIPOC but it is for white people too! But what happens alot is that people who aren't there in terms of decolonization/antiracism/antibias - will percieve the decolonized POV as too negative. As too much. Too indulgent. Too unloving. Too harsh. Too one sided. Too uncompassionate.
And what I have to say is: THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF WHITE SUPREMACY. To tell BIPOC that how we see through the system, our interactions, how society structures influence literally everything - is too negative...that's erasing black and brown voices and bodies. We are ALL responsible to be critical when we ingest media or anything, when we vote, when we approach authorities, etc. The only reason why you wouldn't want to or don't is 1) privilege or/and 2) self oppression - BIPOC.
Being critical in advocating for a decolonized world is the opposite of negative. It takes radical imagination that there is hope for things being different both in our life time and for the future generations. It takes a soul/heart/mind/body that believes that individual and communal healing can lead to liberation. It takes the purest form of love to fight for a reality that includes thriving for all.
And the thing is (@alkellypoetry and I talk about this ALL the time) we want to be able to enjoy movies, museums, books, events without having to be disappointed or risk being traumatized by it. What a dream it would be to move in the world without having to be interrupted all the time by white Supremacy/patriarchy.
……….
#TWintersectionalfridays: Space to explore intersections of identity and systems of oppression. Space to tell your story. Space to listen. Every Friday of 2019. // Week 43/52. “Critical”
Book:
Fledgling by Octavia E. Bulter
OCTAVIA BULTER!! The queen of afro futurism imagination. Excited to read many more books by her.
Art + healing workshop:
I taught a watercolor workshop in collaboration with The University of Chicago Medicine and The Village and Brothers Health Collective for a series they put on called Art + Healing. They provided free HIV screening and paid research surveys geared towards Black and Latinx LCBQ and TGNC folks. Even though there weren’t many people who could make it, I walked away SO energized. The conversations I had with the staff and the participants were really life giving. Whenever I get to talk about healing, pleasure activism, ancestry, decolonized literature, and people’s journeys with BIPOC - I basically feel like I could explode out of happiness. I’m so thankful that especially in the recent couple months, these kinds of interactions are becoming more and more the norm. The more aligned I am to what is authentic and to my higher self, the more people who are also doing
I used to think…:
Why do Black and brown people keep to themselves? Isn’t the goal to have a community that is a confetti of all the colors? Shouldn’t multiethnic/multicultural/diverse communities be the ultimate goal?
Little did I know that I was coming from colonial brainwashed place. Little did I know that the present reality isn’t close to actualizing the ideal of an equitable world. Little did I know that those questions were used to support white complacency aka violence. Little did I know that I was conditioned to think that a multi cultural/ethnic/diverse room was the goal, but only to my own and BIPOC's own demise. Little did I know that I needed to make myself small and smile through everything in order to keep to that goal. Little did I know that the knot in my gut was my body/soul telling me that something was wrong. Little did I know that it would take my self erasure to meet that goal.
But now I know. And now I get to be all of me - the too much me - the too big me - the too loud me - the too sure me - the Chinese me.
Until I see actions that are held accountable and there is an active dismantling of white supremacy and patriarchy, don't count me in.
Article:
I said to my body…
by Brit cooper robinson
My dear friend wrote this article about her journey with her body, trauma, and chronic pain. We have had innumerable conversations about this healing journey, and I’ve benefited so much from her insight and having someone to talk to someone about all of these things is incredibly healing in itself. Another important part of our relationship is that her decolonization antiracism work is active, and in having these conversations it’s crucial since everything I experience is informed by being a woman of color.
“Just like I was determined to disqualify myself from the stamp of chronic pain, I thought I had managed to distance myself from that other word…trauma. I had lived through bad, even scary, things but I could always point to someone else who experienced worse. Surely that meant my experiences didn’t count. “Don’t complain,” “be strong,” “push through,” were the messages of my upbringing and so that’s what I did. I found ways to distract myself from the crippling fears, developed tricks for coping with the triggers and employed subtle gimmicks to hide the panic regularly pounding through my chest. In the process I had grown to view my body as the enemy. It was something to fight, suppress and command. I thought I had outsmarted my body, but all I had done was become adept at ignoring it.”
Jamila woods - legacy! legacy! tour:
If you haven’t heard Jamila Wood’s new album “LEGACY! LEGACY!” yet, you have to! I went to her show, and it was one of the most stunning concerts I’ve been to. It was all about people who have left a legacy that she has drawn inspiration from in her life - people like Nikki Giovanni, Frida Kalo, Octavia Butler, and Basquiat. There were interview that were shown, live dance solos, poetry, spoken word. It was so inspiring!! It made me remember why I do what I do and why I have to do it boldly. I left the performance energized and motivated to continue in my and our collective liberation.
Looking into the new year:
2020 is around the corner, and as I’m thinking about the intentions for the new year, I’m noticing a clear sense of exhaustion. It’s been awhile since I’ve been so ready for the year to be over, and I feel really tired. I don’t feel a rush of new energy sending me into 2020, but this is what I do know: my intentions I set for my 30th birthday still resonate a lot. And here it is:
1 . JOY. I want: radical joy and pleasure. Joy is the last thing this capitalistic/whitesupremist/patriarchal society wants me - wants us - to have and embody. And in 2020, I want to INVEST in having and embodying reckless joy. This means believing that I actually deserve to experience joy. This also means believing that joy can also exist in seasons of grief, sadness, and anger. Joy can be experienced while fighting for justice. It all sounds very foreign to me, but in 2020 I’m going to be well acquainted with it! At this point, I don’t know exactly how it’s going to happen, but I will find out!
2 - HONOR. I want to move away from the belief that I'm alone and completely independent - the blood that courses through my veins is not my own. I want to honor what has come before me as an act of decolonization and liberation! White Supremacy / colonization wants me to stay far far away from my ancestors, my culture, my language, and in this next decade I want to see myself as an extension of my people. In 2020, I will be doing a deep dive into connecting with my ancestors that are supporting me. I’m going to make an altar and have a daily ritual to remember and to draw energy from. As I’m writing this, I’m getting excited to continue on this journey! As Dr. Rosales Meza wrote in one of her posts, I am the answer to my ancestors prayers.