Ending of a decade:
I CANNOT BELIEVE WE MADE IT TO 2020!!!! I will never forget ending 2019 and this past decade. I’ve changed and grown so much, and it makes me emotional thinking about how many challenges were overcome. I want to THANK YOU for being part of it. Having people support me here on Patreon has been so encouraging and tangibly helpful. I was able to pay most of therapy this year because of Patreon. Having mental health support was crucial in my growth in 2019, and it makes me excited to continue on healing in the new year.
Poem:
In December, I got a jolt of energy calling me to write poetry again - and I honored it. Sometimes I don't, because my ego tries to protect me by telling me that it's not worth being vulnerable. But something I'm trying to practice is talking compassionately back to my ego, and say that I'm safe and that it's ok to take risks. The following is part two of the visualization I shared in October.
They are calling
I was meant to more than survive
And to just get by
I was meant to soar to fly
To dig my roots in and rise
Rise and fill the sky
Basking in the sun in the moon light
Breathing in the rich soil beneath my feet
Opening my palms up to recieve
Because I am the answer to my
Ancestors prayers
Prayers of healing of joy of liberation
Prayers of cycles being broken
Prayers of honor and celebration
Prayers of body and soul unification
I hear them calling saying its time
Time to lift those brown eyes
Time to rise and fill the sky
TW
REclaiming Wholeness:
From birth, I’ve been conditioned to view myself as fragments. Broken pieces. Something that can be fixed with the right elements: religion, knowledge, determination, a husband, more hard work, more grit, the perfect mentor or therapist, and more focus.
2020 is an invitation for me to reclaim something I’ve had this entire time! I don’t need to search for it. I don’t need to try harder. The invitation is to reclaim that I was and am and will be whole. Complete! Relationships, healing, growing, learning is something I can go into with JOY. Not because I need to be whole, but because it’s good to change, move, be loved, and to love. All of those things can be incredibly painful, but it doesn’t hinge on my worthiness as a human. Thank goodness!! As we all are reflecting on this past decade, maybe you can relate to this. This is #decolonization.
Book:
THIS BOOK. It’s this simple, beautiful, trauma-informed, somatic workbook that was a breath of fresh air. It wasn’t super heady, but it was insightful and inspirational. Perfect to end the year with.
Music:
I watched Raveen’s Tiny Desk Concert and fell in love with her.
The water:
Denying myself
I've been thinking alot about how often I have dishonored my body/mind/soul/needs by denying myself of [fill in the blank]. How many times have you been told to deny yourself? (I'm looking at all the people who grew up Christian/Catholic. And how many times have you heard that from white people? That's for a whole other post).
The day after Christmas when it was 60 degrees here in Chicago, I went to Lake Michigan (swipe to see photos), because I realized some of my most embodied and joyful moments in 2019 was when I was in or by water. And as I was listening to @raveena_aurora, I looked to my right and I saw someone walk up to the water alone - clearly pondering and enjoying the water in a unhurried way. And I looked to my left - 15 feet away another person was sitting peacefully looking at the water deep in thought. I was struck by this moment as all three of us were called by the water, honored that calling, and took time to go to it alone. We were individually and together absorbing the healing power of the water. Unrushed.
Nothing dramatic happened, but that moment filled me with so much hope and joy. I want more of it in 2020! More honoring the calling of healing, self compassion, boundaries, pleasure, and joy. More collective healing. I also want a healthier relationship with my ego - one that honors it, thanks it, but grounds it in a secure narrative.
Society demands that Black and Brown people deny our needs and healing. Decolonization is actively resisting that default.
Learning something new:
I went to my first macrame workshop and made this cute planter! The class was taught by Kenyatta from Urban Macrame Fibers, who did an AMAZING job. It was really fun, and I met some incredible people too.
top 10 books of 2019:
wedding:
My dear friend Lauren got married to my other dear friend Colin! My heart was bursting seeing their love and everyone around them surrounding them with so much joy!
Creativity:
Something that I’ve noticed is that my creative energy at the end of 2019 was very minimal, and it was because my energy as a whole was spent on a lot of other necessary things. I said goodbye to people, communities, organizations, and all of that needed my attention and my energy to grieve. It was a good opportunity for me to be ok with my creative energy being down, because how could it not be? Practicing self compassion and patience is key to my healing. It’s super new, but I’m starting to see how important it is! Now that I’m a couple days into the new year, I can sense a feeling of restoration and creative energy. I’m sure that more things will come my way that would demand my energy, but for now I’m going to focus on the present. So thankful for these moments of reflection, and I’m so thankful to share it with you!