NEW BEGINNINGS:
I saw this meme that said “We are 5 months into 2020 and it’s still January.” Haha! It’s so accurate, right??
A couple new things for Patreon: First, I’m changing this blog to be monthly journals, because I feel like it’s more accurate than calling it monthly inspirations. Second, I’m working on two new tiers that will involve hands on art direction for you. I’m really excited about this, and I hope you will be too!
I feel my creative energy creeping back, and I can’t wait to share more life giving energy with you.
escape to the sun:
My dear friend Alex and I went to Mexico (we mostly spent our time in Akumal) for a week, and it was magical. We got to hangout with my friends Matt, Stevi, and kids out there, which was so amazing to be with them and also to have hosts who can show us the best spots. My highlight is when we went to the beach and just spent a couple of hours in the water. On that day, the waves were pretty big, and it felt AMAZING to feel the strength of the sea and move with it. I felt my anxiety melt away with each wave. I felt the tension in my shoulders and neck relax. I felt the healing elements of the sea prompting me to receive.
On one of the days, Alex and I went on a road trip to the Coba Ruins and then to a little town called Valladalid. Coba was so much fun, because not only did we climb this amazing pyramid, but the person who biked us around taught us some phrases in Mayan (their family spoke Mayan!). After Coba, we explored Valladalid, where we first rushed (it just started raining) into this little restaurant where they specialized Mayan food. It was really enjoyable to have no specific agenda during this day and really the whole trip!
There was SO MUCH LAUGHTER on this trip, and I will always cherish all the jokes and scenarios that Alex and I made up. That’s something I want more: more laughing - the kind that you’re bending over with tears running down your face laughing. YES that kind of joy is healing and liberating!
intuition vs trauma response:
I posted this on Instagram this month:
”Who else is learning to differentiate the two?
I believe that just as intergenerational trauma is so real, intergenerational wisdom is also. We hold in our bodies intuition that expands way beyond our generation, and as I'm listening and asking ancestors sometimes I get confused. Because breaking from toxic cycles is uncomfortable and can be so painful. And staying in those cycles can feel comforting in a way.
Something I've observed is identifying within me are the different energies between the two. It seems that when the energy is tight and anxious, it's usually an indicator it is a trauma response. If it feels open and willing to give/recieve even if it's difficult or painful, it most likely is from true intuition. At the bottom of it, it will come from the belief that I trust that I am worthy of good things.
How do you separate the two? I want to hear from my you! BIPOC, write me your thoughts.”
Go to the INSTAGRAM POST, because the comments are so good!
Books:
Currently reading Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok, and I’m really really enjoying it.
“From the author of Searching for Sylvie Lee, the iconic, New York Times-bestselling debut novel that introduced an important Chinese-American voice with an inspiring story of an immigrant girl forced to choose between two worlds and two futures.
When Kimberly Chang and her mother emigrate from Hong Kong to Brooklyn squalor, she quickly begins a secret double life: exceptional schoolgirl during the day, Chinatown sweatshop worker in the evenings. Disguising the more difficult truths of her life—like the staggering degree of her poverty, the weight of her family’s future resting on her shoulders, or her secret love for a factory boy who shares none of her talent or ambition—Kimberly learns to constantly translate not just her language but herself back and forth between the worlds she straddles.
Through Kimberly’s story, author Jean Kwok, who also emigrated from Hong Kong as a young girl, brings to the page the lives of countless immigrants who are caught between the pressure to succeed in America, their duty to their family, and their own personal desires, exposing a world that we rarely hear about. Written in an indelible voice that dramatizes the tensions of an immigrant girl growing up between two cultures, surrounded by a language and world only half understood, Girl in Translation is an unforgettable and classic novel of an American immigrant-a moving tale of hardship and triumph, heartbreak and love, and all that gets lost in translation.”
I’m also reading A Burst of Light and Other Essays by Audre Lorde, and soaking in all the wisdom and beauty.
““The self-described black feminist lesbian mother poet used a mixture of prose, theory, poetry, and experience to interrogate oppressions and uplift marginalized communities. She was one of the first black feminists to target heteronormativity, and to encourage black feminists to expand their understanding of erotic pleasure. She amplified anti-oppression, even as breast cancer ravaged her ailing body.” — Evette Dionne, Bustle Magazine
Winner of the 1988 Before Columbus Foundation National Book Award, this path-breaking collection of essays is a clarion call to build communities that nurture our spirit. Lorde announces the need for a radical politics of intersectionality while struggling to maintain her own faith as she wages a battle against liver cancer. From reflections on her struggle with the disease to thoughts on lesbian sexuality and African-American identity in a straight white man’s world, Lorde’s voice remains enduringly relevant in today’s political landscape.
Those who practice and encourage social justice activism frequently quote her exhortation, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” In addition to the journal entries of “A Burst of Light: Living with Cancer,” this edition includes an interview, “Sadomasochism: Not About Condemnation,” and three essays, “I Am Your Sister: Black Women Organizing Across Sexualities,” “Apartheid U.S.A.,” and “Turning the Beat Around: Lesbian Parenting 1986,” as well as a new Foreword by Sonia Sanchez.
”You don’t read Audre Lorde, you feel her.” — Essence
”When I don’t know what to do, I turn to the Lorde.” — Alexis Pauline Gumbs, Bitch Media
”Whenever my mind is heavy with questions and my heart thirsts for nourishment, I turn to the writing of Audre Lorde. Every time I revisit the words of Audre Lorde, I marvel over how relevant they continue to be.” — AfterEllen.com”
Music:
I discovered this artist only within the past week, but I’ve listened to THIS ALBUM and to THIS SINGLE probably a thousand times.
fear of crying forever:
Part two of the instagram post that I shared earlier
In the last post, we discussed how to differentiate intuition from trauma response. For me a big part of this process is identifying how racism and internal oppression plays a major role in this. We (BIPOC) are conditioned to silence our intuition, needs, desires, and hopes. And many of the times it feels like we HAVE to out of survival. Going against the grain aka decolonizing work will cost and it sometimes feels worse to admit what reality is. But denying ourselves of the wisdom that is in our bodies will take a toll too - a much bigger one.
Something that's a continually theme for me is how rare it is for me to cry for myself. Granted, I cry alot actually! It's easy to cry about other people and things. But I feel like if I started to cry for myself, I'll never stop. And who has time for that?? There's years and years of build up and with every day I see more things to grieve.
But that's part of the process. That's the work needed to tap into my intuition. Giving myself that space to cry and grieve if and when I want to. Nurturing my inner child compassionately and patiently.
Sometimes it's showing up big and ready to use my voice. (I took this photo at the end of 2019, and realized that that's how I like to show up - strong and able to do everything on my own 🙈). And other times it's being soft and allowing myself to feel all the feels - for me, I think that's the piece where I'm invited to grow more in.
Anyone resonate? How do you create healing for your intution to come through?
art practice:
This month I’ve been practicing PLAY in my art process. I realized there was this building sense of self made pressure…that I needed to say something so profound in each piece, that I needed to show up in a way that would be revolutionary, that I needed to prove to myself I can do something that is undoubtably worthwhile and full of worth…etc. It was basically a lot of unkempt fear. I lost a bit of how I started painting in the first place, which is out of play and curiosity. There wasn’t any agenda other than to enjoy.
So January was a good time to reset and warm myself back up to painting in a way that is truly liberating, radical, and healing. It happens when I am self compassionate, patient, curious curious of blocks. THAT is revolutionary. I have to say that I’m still feeling very rusty, but I see little moments of joy and play. Maybe you are feeling similarly, and you need to hear that it’s ok that some of that spark is gone. It will not be forever. It might be time to sharpen what the goal is and how to define success.
