Lessons in Quarantine:
In April, I experienced many stages of grief, and thankfully acceptance has made an appearance - which really helps with anxiety. Now that I’m sitting here reflecting on April, I’m so grateful for how healing is continuing despite being in the pandemic. The biggest lesson of the month is being confronted by my need for healing when it comes to resources/money - healing from capitalism. It is so hard for me to receive any type of compensation for my labor - if I had my way, I would just give it all away for free. My head knows that it is anti capitalistic for me a WOC to be paid sufficiently for my labor/art/work. My trauma response makes me undermine and doubt my work’s worth and ultimately my own worth. I had friends so lovingly call this out in me this month. Now that my livelihood is threatened, I’m pushed to really confront this. Receiving mutual aid is helping me heal this wound. Being reminded of my worth is helping me heal. Last week I came out with a collection of small works, and I was once again reminded by how the community is ready to support me. There is enough to go around, and that’s why it’s so horrifying that people are suffering/dying because of the lack of basic needs being met. Providing support to the BIPOC community is my way of making my gifts readily available and that can simultaneously happen with the ability to meet my needs.
Documenting this time:
I don’t know how many times I’ve had this conversation with friends! We keep on reminding each other to document what is happening and how we feel during this pandemic. THIS IS HISTORY. It is so easy to forget as individuals and collectively. It’s important to record as much as we can, because there is a lot we are learning about ourselves, our communities, our society, our resilience, our privilege, etc. All the things including past trauma and unresolved issues are bubbling up (or maybe more like exploding in our faces.) This is our time to lean in and listen to what needs our energy, and let go of things that don’t. I’ve been writing every day - so I get to unload my overwhelmed system and record my feelings and thoughts during this time of crisis.
Book:
Kindred by Octavia E. Butler
This book is incredible. Finishing it in May!
Grief:
I shared this on IG late April
I feel so much grief. For those who are dying and have died alone, and for all the families unable to be with them or to mourn their death with loved ones. For Black and brown communities being impacted during this time with the virus on top of ALL the impacts of intergenerational and systemic AND individual racism. For Black and brown communities who make up most of the essential labor - underpaid and under protected. For my Asian community who is being targeted with racial discrimination and violence. I feel grief at how BIPOC’s stress of being scared for themselves and their families’ lives and livelihood will impact their health and wellness even more. I feel grief for undocumented immigrants who will receive zero benefits from the government while most of their labor is being exploited. I feel grief for BIPOC who are incarcerated and detained afraid for their lives on top of being unjustly trapped.
I feel grief for the fact that most white people are still blinded to how they are benefitting from systemic oppression. The virus doesn’t care what race you are, but we need to wake up to the fact that those who are unfairly exposed to it are disproportionately Black, Indigenous, and People of Color. Those who will suffer under medical racism are BIPOC. Those who have health preconditions because of intergenerational and individual racism are BIPOC. Those who will have to choose between rent and food are disproportionately BIPOC. Children who don’t have access to chrome books and internet are disproportionately BIPOC.
We must be a community who grieves together. Because when there is grief, there is honesty to what's really happening, and where there is honesty, there is hope. And when there is hope, there is action. Depending on your privilege, we each have to ask ourselves what can we offer to society right now? For BIPOC, it may look like not offering more free labor and investing in your health through rest. For white people, what resources can you give up during this time?
My goto smoothie:
1 frozen banana
6 frozen strawberries
A handful of spinach
1/3 c. of non dairy milk (or yogurt if I have some)
a scoop of peanut butter
sprinkle of cinnamon
Tbls of honey
3 cubes of ice
finding comfort:
Creating rhythms is crucial during this time. Every morning I find joy in filling my little diffuser with water and putting in a couple drops of lavender, tea tree oil, grapefruit, and immune boosting blend essential oils.
Leading my first online workshop series:
Right before leading my first online workshop, I almost threw up from being so nervous. It is so vulnerable to be sharing things that I believe in so much with a group of people not knowing how they might receive it or if they might even think what I have to offer is helpful. When the workshop started and I saw the Black and brown faces, I instantly felt that there was a sense of openness and care. The energy that was circulated was very strong. There was so much reciprocity and a willingness to be honest and curious. Over the whole month, I continually felt energized to support this community and dig deep within myself to show up as authentically as I can.
I still get nervous, but now I know that practicing what I teach is key. It’s scary to show up authentically to yourself and others, and that’s ok! Meeting ourselves exactly where we are is it. That’s self compassion.
If you are reading this and you attended the workshops either live or through the recording, THANK YOU. Thank you for leaning into your healing and thank you for trusting me.
tiktok:
Don’t judge me. I downloaded it in April, and it made me laugh! I also learned some things that I adopted in my workshops. This particular tiktok by @healingtalks24 is INCREDIBLE. This duo shares 5 Self Holds that can be especially helpful right now.
Round two of online workshops!:
I’m so excited about May’s workshop series! I’ve learned a lot from April, and I can’t wait to implement some changes to make the experience safer and more healing. Here is something I wrote on IG explaining more about the theme:
I chose to put clear quartz in the photo of May’s workshop series for BIPOC on Interdependence, because I feel like it represents so many aspects of this decolonial healing process.
I’ve joked SO many times that I have a heart of stone (it’s actually not that funny), because it’s sometimes hard for me to access emotions especially when it comes to myself. I’m a deep feeler and am super sensitive to others, but because of trauma - at the same time - it’s hard for me to access some emotions. I’ve been gaslit about how I’m too harsh on pushing my “views” that I take aka voicing my rage/grief against oppression. Along with many other traumas the result is that I know how to shut down in self protection. With compounding years, these become blocks and ingrained trauma responses.
Especially for BIPOC empaths, I think this experience is very common. Being constantly gaslit about our empathy and desire to see justice in our communities can result in our survival skill of having a hard time to trust ourselves and others. On this decolonial healing journey, we are invited to liberate ourselves from guilt and shame for having these trauma responses WHILE extending self compassion for why we have guilt/shame/blocks. We are invited to see this hardness as resilience of our past - AND to move to a space where we can reclaim trust in ourselves and others.
Clear quartz is hard like a stone, but it is also a conduit of healing energies. There is movement in it’s existence. It can amplify and be a vessel. I always have this crystal in a place where I look at it every day as a reminder of our ability to be a conduit of healing and liberation.
I contributed to Unearthing Our Fire’s blog, where I wrote about my experience in this pandemic. Here is a short excerpt from it:
“In pursuit of collective healing and liberation, I also invite white allies to sponsor spots in the workshops. That way, the workshops are accessible to BIPOC, I can be paid for my labor, and white allies can use their privilege in a helpful way. White allies, don’t fall for the lie that this crisis is a leveler and that we are all in this together equally. You have more choices in this pandemic than BIPOC. So my call to action for you is to know that your privilege is power. Choose to pour your available resources into Black and brown communities.”
Another month:
We got through March and April in quarantine. I’m currently reminding myself that meeting myself in the present is priority. It’s easy to get carried away with how I SHOULD be and what I SHOULD do and how I SHOULD feel. May is extending more self compassion to myself and allowing people in my life to support me as I support them. We don’t know what the future looks like and that’s very scary. We are not alone in it. You are not alone!
How are you?
I’m here for you. DM me on Instagram anytime to let me know.