reflecting:
We made it to December folks! Can you believe it???? This month was marked by lots of reflecting, grieving, setting intentions, gratitude, and making comforting food. Winter solstice + the great conjunction happened and it was intense. I feel tangibly how I and WE are healing. It’s not the kind of feeling that’s super celebratory, but it’s this deep hope that all this soul work isn’t in vain. Things aren’t going to magically be better in 2021, but things are shifting. I know that we will see some of the harvest of the deep roots nourishment and healing we’ve done this year.
AMB + Sonya Renee Taylor:
THIS TALK WAS MY FAVORITE BY FAR. It was glaringly obvious it was two friends who adored each other. They talked openly, authentically about their thoughts about their roots, pleasure, activism, community, and grief. Every time I attend a talk with Adrienne Maree Brown I have this refreshed sense that what I’m pursuing and dreaming about is valid and necessary for more than myself. There was a moment that was really powerful for me - I felt my ancestors reminding me something very simple but profound. They reminded me I’m not only here to fight injustice, but I’m here to celebrate folks. That starts with being able to celebrate myself in my fullness and worth shamelessly. The more I’m able to do that, the more I can root my community on for their beauty and brilliance. Tears flowed as I felt this truth.
How wonderful to witness two amazing humans talking in delight and openness. It makes me so thankful I have people in my life that I can do that with.
After the talk, there was an after dance party - with Amorphous as the DJ. It was so fun dancing along to amazing music with a bunch of strangers and AMB. Here’s a sweaty joyful photo of me afterwards!
Winter solstice + reflecting:
For winter solstice I made these Chinese sesame rice balls. It reminded me of home and helped me connect to the Chinese tradition of eating this dessert on winter solstice.
I reflected about how 2020 taught me to slow down like I’ve never experienced in my life. It gave me space for me to reckon and tend to old wounds. Wounds that not only occurred early in life but are also intergenerational. This year has slowed my process and pace down so much - I’m not interested in functioning in the old way. Even though it’s been at times very painful and uncomfortable, I feel so much more connected to my body. I feel like there’s space for me to be in integrity with how I am in relationship and how I’m approaching work.
holidays during the pandemic:
I shed alot of tears of sadness and joy this holiday season. Even though I’m not usually home with my family for the holidays, this season was hard knowing that it’s been more than a year since I’ve seen them. There was a really sweet zoom call with my extended family on my mom’s side, and it reminded me of how I miss being in a room with my Chinese family. Thankful for other ways of connection while grieving what we couldn't experience in this pandemic.
Thankful for my 3 quarantine friends and my partner where it made this season more joyful! We enjoyed good food and meaningful conversations. Definitely not taking these relationships and every second I can spend with them for granted!
podcasts:
something was wrong podcast
My partner recommended me the first season of this podcast, which is about an engaged woman and her story about finding herself in an abusive relationship. I was hooked, because the podcast did such a great job telling a nuanced story without victim blaming. I then listened to season 6 and then 5! I’m learning so much about human behavior - specifically about narcissist and psychopaths. I find it fascinating for so many reasons. One - it helps me be able to spot that abusive people better. Two - it’s showing me I’m not exempt from being victim of that kind of abuse. Three - it also helps me be aware of my unresolved trauma can enact trauma to others. Four - it has given clearer framework for my own experiences. If you’re interested in human behavior and are aware of your own traumas and triggers, I highly suggest this podcast.
How’s work? - esther perel
I’ve listened to every episode from “Where should we begin by Esther Perel,” which are recorded one time therapy sessions with a couple. So I naturally was compelled to this series about the relationship between work, individuals, and co workers or business partners. It did not disappoint! I loved how Esther Perel highlights how we don’t leave our own family systems and dynamics when we go into work. The “professional” work place is usually a mirror of how we grew up and relate to authority and peers. If you’re interested in some really raw conversations, I recommend this series.
Books:
Didn’t get much reading done, because podcasts took over this month. But the two books waiting for me to give them more attention are these two books I’m still working on.
honoring ancestors:
So thankful for my deepening relationship with my roots and ancestors. I was reading my December 2019 journal entries and what my intentions were for 2020. Everything I set my intentions on came into fruition. Definitely not in a way that I was expecting, but nonetheless came to be. I spent alot of time thanking my ancestors for guiding me and having my back. I can now see so many experiences and healing has happened in my life and before me - all with the purpose of contributing to the collective that leads to more liberation and thriving.
comfort food:
Lo Bak Go - Chinese Turnip Cake
For this holiday, I decided to make lo bak go - Chinese turnip cakes! It was one of my favorite dim sum dishes growing up, and I’m so glad I tried this recipe. It turned out SO GOOD.
Cheung Fun - Rolled Rice Noodles
I got a pack of plain Cheung fun from a local asian market, which was such a treat! I put it in a pan with oil, sesame seeds, and green onions until they got crispy, and then tossed them with some peanut butter and hoisin sauce. *chef’s kiss*
butter mochi
I tried making butter Mochi for the first time! I used this recipe, and it came out AMAZING. I put it in the oven every time I wanted to eat a piece, and it’s so delicious and not too sweet.
egg on toast
I had this breakfast almost every morning this month - and I’m not even exaggerating. I boiled a batch of eggs at the beginning of the week for 8 mins - just when the yolk gets a jammy texture. When I’m ready to have breakfast, I would toast a piece of sourdough bread. Spread some mayo onto the toast. And then place a cut up egg onto it and sprinkle everything but the bagel seasoning on the top! SO GOOD. If I’m feeling extra, I would put chili oil and some greens on top.
Fermented black beans tofu
I really felt inspired this month to try making things outside of my comfort zone! This dish feels really nostalgic to me. It’s stir fried Chinese fermented black beans, garlic, edamame and tofu. First I pan fried firm tofu and then tossed it with the black beans and garlic. At the end I added some frozen edamame and finished it off with some green onions. This dish is so satisfying over rice.
tv show:
I watched the entire season in two days, because it was really captivating. It’s about 8 young women stranded on a deserted island and about their stories coming up to the accident. There is a huge twist to the plot! I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as I did.
App:
I couldn’t help myself! I downloaded Chani Nicholas astrology app, and I’m glad I did.
I put up a few art pieces onto my website! I’ve been meaning to do this for literally years. There’s always this block, and this month I decided just to do it. Trusting the process of journeying with my relationship with “work.” I added a few pieces from my exploration of old wounds and receiving support from my ancestors. This piece pictured above is seeing my old wounds as this thing that is there inviting me to tend to it - not like an enemy, but as a flower. And the colorful parts are my ancestors being beside me the whole time. I have other pieces that signified them having my back and covering me. I’m excited to explore this theme more.
2021 Intentions:
2021 - may this new year bring transformation and deep healing both on a personal level and collective level.
My intentions are to find connection to my Chinese roots in a way that will be a cornerstone to the rest of my life - in how I move, communicate, offer my gifts to my community, and be in relationship.
I want to experience abundance and stability (mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially, relationally) with lots of laughter.
I want to continue healing my body and release trauma that is trapped in it, and encourage others to do so too (with lots of patience). My neck and shoulders are much better even as I’m writing this - yay!
2021 will be the year where I release short term (false) sense of control and find more confidence in long term vision.
Carrying on 2020 intentions: more joy + pleasure in every aspect.
wishing you a happy new year!
Thank you for supporting me here on Patreon! 2020 has been beyond wild. I wish you all the space to just be. Wishing you all the space to grieve. To celebrate. To be thankful. To feel sadness. To be angry. To laugh. Hope we can all learn to honor our own and each other’s capacities and boundaries more. Hope we can continue to advocate for BIPOC while we keep on unlearning harmful ways. Hope we can expand our imaginations more towards building a world where BIPOC can be safe in every sense of the word - AND thrive.