ups and downs:
So many micro and macro ups and downs! I don’t know if you can relate, but this pandemic has really opened me up to this level of attentiveness to internal and energetic shifts. I think that pre pandemic I was pretty aware, but the business and level of dissociation distracted me from this deeper level of tuning in. This season of deep healing has been very tender and so very needed. I hope that we can continually encourage each other exactly where we are in our life seasons - no need to rush.
Mortality:
February was an existentially heavy month. As we are approaching the one year mark of being in this pandemic and grieving all the lives that have been lost, I can feel this collective sadness. I’ve been thinking and talking alot about how life is fragile and so short. It’s not a new thought, but I’ve been feeling in my body so intensely. Sometimes it’s a struggle not to lose myself in fear of what could be or who I could lose. So many people around me have lost loved ones and I’m in no delusion that I’m exempt from it. It took so much energy for me not to freeze in knowing the possibilities. The thing that I come back to time after time is that I am not alone. So thankful to have dear souls around me where there is reciprocity and deep care.
Lunar new year:
Celebrated Lunar New Year with two quarantine friends! We made dumplings and had delicious lunar new year food. I reflected on celebrating Chinese New Year with my family and my relatives growing up - so thankful to have preserved parts of the tradition. And I’m excited to continue to reclaim different traditions and celebrations from my lineage.
Books:
Breasts and Eggs by mieko kawakami
I’m half way through this book, and I’m really enjoying it. It addresses so many societal issues through storytelling and imagery that is really resonating with me.
Caste by isabel wilkerson
I’ve been sitting on this book for a few months, and I finally started it. Practicing listening to my body and taking lots of breaks. The subject matter is so real and relevant - too real and relevant. My partner and I decided to do our own book club, and we are reading this together. Discussion of part 1 will commence this week!
PMS:
If you’ve been following me for awhile, you might know I struggle with intense PMS (not sure if I have PMDD.) Depending on the month, it could be mild to severe. And February was severe. It’s astonishing how hormones can alter your perception of reality. I felt like the anxiety in my body would never leave. The anxiety was physically buzzing through my limbs down to my fingers and toes - it was horrible. Normally I can feel my anxiety, but being on my PMS pumped it up to 100. Thank goodness for my community and therapy.
More fun:
Something I’ve been working on is finding ways to give my nervous system a break. My therapist was encouraging me to practice backing off from heavy healing work by having fun. I got a Nintendo switch and have been playing Animal Crossing! It’s been a good opportunity to give myself permission to relax and have fun. The game is so low key and has just enough choices in activity to keep me engaged. So far I’ve noticed that it has helped me keep from fixating on things that I don’t have control over and it also feels nourishing to my inner child.
Partnership:
My partner and I are coming up to a year and a half of being together. February feels like a landmark for me, because I began seeing fruit from doing alot of work with my deep abandonment wounds as well as deepening trust between my partner and I. There’s so many things that could trigger my fear of being abandoned or rejected, and I could so often feel my internal protectors being on guard - even though my partner has never done anything to purposefully indicate that he would abandon or betray me. In this season, I can feel the different parts of me feeling more confident and soothed by this partnership. I’m reminded that it takes time. It takes time and consistency to gain trust in ourselves that it’s ok to trust and be vulnerable.
instagram:
I really havn’t been vibing with instagram lately. The feed isn’t particularly inspiring or nourishing, and posting on there doesn’t feel in alignment. It’s really interesting, because I’ve talked to many people and they feel the same. My boundary with IG is that if it doesn’t feel good to be there or to post, I don’t have to be there or post.
I’m beginning my art sabbatical next week - so as my capacity shifts, I won’t be surprised that my capacity with IG will also shift. The next few months might be a good opportunity to experiment how to engage with social media that encourages more local and personal movement.
Food:
viral feta and tomato pasta
At the beginning of February there was news that feta cheese was sold out in Finland because of this pasta recipe. So this recipe went viral. And I tried it! It was pretty good - not sure if I would make it again, but it was fun to see what the hype was about.
tv show:
Singapore social on netflix
Watched season 1, and I liked it more than Bling Empire! It’s reality tv - nothing super deep - exactly how reality tv should be.
eyeglasses:
I had my first eye exam as an adult recently, and the doctor said I need to be wearing glasses! So I’m adjusting to wearing glasses and also in search of the most comfortable pair. More updates to come!
blast to the past:
My mom texted me this photo recently, and it made me smile. A true Leo - child of the universe - so much extra-ness. I’m reminded to have fun and enjoy being extra when it feels good!
Facilitating:
This weekend will be the last week of this series! Time is so funny. I’ve been learning so much in being a space holder and what is it like to put in labor as well as having capacity to receive wisdom. Trust is such a big piece to this process. Trusting the participants to show up authentically. Trusting myself in being worthy of this work. Trusting the ancestors of the group to come through with all the intergenerational medicine. Trusting that we are all on board figuring out how to interact with ourselves and each other in a way that is compassionate and humanizing.
Going into my indefinite art sabbatical, I’m excited to keep on digging in and exercise my own artistic expression.
thankful
Thankful for this life and thankful for those in my life that sees, hears, understands, and loves me. I hope that I can continue to cultivate relationships and spaces where that is a shared experience.