it was a hard month:
Wow. On a personal and collective way - this month was really rough. Personally, I can feel that I’m healing and shedding alot. It’s not the prettiest or easiest thing, but it’s part of the process of healing and growing. I’m practicing not functioning outside of my capacity, which I have been most of my life. So not normalizing it feels like such a big shift. It doesn’t feel natural yet, but honoring myself and my capacity is so worth the discomfort.
I’m not going to write about the anti Asian racism/violence, because it feels too raw for me. All I want to say is that there is so much grief. We have to keep on dismantling white supremacy and taking care of one another.
book:
I blew through this book! It really helped me give my nervous system breaks from all the intensity. My favorite part of the book is how it referenced the sun and it’s nourishment. That resonated with me alot. If you’re interested in reading it, here’s the synopsis:
soothe through painting:
Painting has been really grounding through the intensity. After I create the design I want, every part of the painting needs usually 4 layers to achieve the opacity I want. I love this part of the the process, because it’s very repetitive. I don’t need to think about much, but repeat and focus on the lines and corners. This repetition helps with my rumination and mind chatter as I drop into my body. What a relief!
spring is here:
We had a snow storm in March, and I think spring is officially is here to stay. I love looking outside my window and seeing green leaves budding. Occasionally I have little friends pop by! It gives me so much joy to be reminded how nature reminds me there are times where we slow down and shed, and then there are other times where we grow and bloom. Always trusting in the seasons and constant evolution. I will not be in this season forever.
Partnership:
My partner and I celebrated our year and a half anniversary! I’ve been reflecting so much on our relationship and the seasons we’ve been through. And how weird is to have spent most of it in this pandemic. During this season of healing and my heightened sensitivity, it’s been a learning curve for the both of us. I’m learning how to express myself with openness and to let him support me - as well as teach him how to support me well. And it’s not always easy. Sometimes I project my own insecurities of being too much or too sensitive onto him - kicking up my fear of abandonment and rejection. When that happens, it’s been a good opportunity for me to be honest of the impact of his words/actions while owning my own projections and fears. For my partner, he’s learning how to meet me where I’m at and how to hold space for me. We are very different humans, but it’s healing to be on this journey together with him.
music:
Introspection remained by umi
I’ve been listening to this EP on a loop for awhile - it’s fun to hear their reinterpretation to the original album. My favorite track is “Bet Reimagined.”
I decided to start an ART ARCHIVE where I can document my artwork as well as my thoughts about it. I started a collection of work called “Time Travel.” This is my statement on the series:
This time travel series is inspired by the fluidity of time, space, and memory. In this pandemic, I've been exploring how interconnected and in movement everything is - from intergenerational trauma/healing to inner child work. I’m exploring traveling in and through the non linear relationship of time and space with curiosity, play, respect, and openness.
I’ve been really enjoying painting and writing. Releasing timelines and pressure how my art process should look like. Sometimes I have more capacity to paint, and I honor it. Sometimes I have capacity to write about the process, andI honor it. And sometimes I don’t have capacity to create, and I honor it.
toxic positivity:
For the past few months, I’ve been doing free lance facilitation for a non profit, and in this past month the team had a great conversation about something that I’ve also been thinking alot about. When leading a group, it is easy to over ride the participants and spread “positivity” or paint an ideal picture of how things should be. While it’s important to provide resources, it’s more important to meet people where they are at. It’s more important to create a large enough space where it’s big enough for a participant to be honest with having a hard time and big enough for another participant having a joyous perspective. I’ve noticed what happens when “positivity” is pushed onto people: it encourages shame and loneliness. I’ve felt that myself - hiding my sadness or anger.
That’s why I feel so strongly about leading from an anti oppression lens especially when serving the BIPOC community. Toxic positivity is very dangerous. I see it every where especially white spiritual and healing spaces. It’s easy to flatten the experiences of the participants and identities, because to make room for the range of experiences of all the intersections - it takes alot of consideration. When that consideration and wisdom is applied, harm reduction is being practiced.
Etsy:
I’m trying something new and low key (eek!). I created a few tote bag designs and are selling them on Etsy. Check them out here!
lots of self permission:
I’ve spent so much of my life over riding my capacity and appeasing people around me. I’m in a special season right now where I’ve slowed down enough to be able to really gauge myself and start recalibrating. I’m trying to not let work, art, social situations, or anything cross my boundaries that I have set. It’s not easy, but I’m practicing giving myself permission to feel all the things fully and for the duration it needs. All the self permission to let the grief come in a big wave and recede when it’s ready. This is such a tender season! I am so grateful for my community supporting me through it.
Thank you
for tuning into my corner of the world! Sending you all the love.