Yay april:
Oof march was such a deep intense month of grief and sadness. It was needed, but I’m so glad April was much more easeful. I felt the sadness and anxiety lift off my chest. I didn’t trust it at first, but day by day I gained more capacity.
book:
Convenience store woman by sayaka murata
This was a fun short read! Highly recommend if you’re looking for a lighthearted thoughtful and funny book.
how much of these hills is gold by c pam zhang
Currently reading this book! So far it’s been super interesting and striking. Excited to see how it unfolds.
Here is the synopsis:
Ebbing and flowing:
So much about my healing process is observing my capacity and honoring it as I ebb and flow with my emotions. I’ve spent so long with coping with trauma by over riding my system and appeasing people. Now that I’m further along in healing, I’m slowly practicing trusting myself to ride the waves. Even though sometimes things feel really overwhelming, I’m learning how to feel all the sadness and anger and grief and overwhelm - AND trust that I have resources to come back down from it. To find grounding again. The more I let myself ebb and flow, the less scary it is. It still is very painful, but there’s a growing sense of trust in the process.
inner child:
A realization I had this month was how I am really good at tending to my inner child when she is in crisis (which echos alot of how I felt from childhood). With my therapist’s support, I made the intention of tending to her every day when things are good, hard, and everything in between. Every morning, I write a short letter to my inner child. Most days I affirm her that I’m here and am not going to leave.When things are easeful, I celebrate her play and lightheartedness. This practice has been so supportive for me, and I’m definitely going to continue it!
coregulation:
I had the honor to watch my friend’s cat for the whole month of April! Coming out of march, it was so grounding to have a cuddly cat to be with and to take care of. It made me so thankful for divine timing every step of the way. I enjoyed having this sweet cat coregulate with me especially in activation. And it’s been also so good to play and enjoy being in the present as he showed me how to prioritize rest and affection. What a gift to have had this month with him!
This a long time in coming, but I FINALLY have prints available for purchase! They come in two sizes, and you can purchase them through my Art Shop. I’m hoping to add more to the collection - I will keep you posted.
Food:
I made Chinese braised chicken with mushrooms (check out the recipe), and it came out SO GOOD. It was really savory and satisfying over rice. Highly recommend you trying out this easy recipe - especially if you can get your hands on dried woodear mushrooms. All asian markets should have it.
Art sabbatical + shame:
I didn’t set a definitive end date to my art sabbatical. I wanted to practice trusting in my own wisdom of knowing when it is time to transition out of the art sabbatical. This time has been crucial in my healing - especially when it comes to functioning outside of self exploitation and capitalism. It isn’t that “efficient” (under the guise of capitalism) to take things slow and not to rush into the work I think I should be doing - aka facilitating workshops. I’ve noticed the pressure I have on myself to keep on proving to myself and others that I’m a valuable participant in society, and that has brought on the feelings of shame - that I’m not healing fast enough and that I’m not good enough as an artist or fellow human. That shame has been and could be so heavy. White supremacy and capitalism is heavy and convincing. But I have trust and conviction that there’s liberation in practicing another way and leaning on my community for support as we all do this healing and work together.
Thankful:
I’m fully vaccinated! So thankful to have access to the vaccine - it’s helped greatly with my overall health. I barely had any side affects, and now I can have alittle bit more ease in this world.
riding the waves of grief:
The anti Black violence, the racism that seeps into seemly every crevice, the blatant deadly ignorance, the exhaustion of it never ending. I’m practicing riding the waves of grief as they come. There’s so much to grieve. I’ve been holding strong boundaries with news and social media - not to fall for the sensationalization of BIPOC death. That sensationalization of violence isn’t for BIPOC. It’s for the white gaze. It’s for performers. So while awareness and bringing things into the light is important, the honoring way is to do it in a way that actually benefits BIPOC communities and individuals. Mutual aid going straight to individuals is how to do it. Celebrating life is too boring for the media - so how are we celebrating life and joy in all it’s shimmering multifacetedness? This society isn’t interested in dismantling the system and preventing death and violence. So how are we burning it down internally and externally? This is the long haul folks. We need to take care of ourselves so we can take care of each other.
So it continues:
Another month has come and gone. I’m going to keep on creating and figuring out creative ways to thrive and sustain myself. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me and say hi!