Today is week 37 of #TWmemorymondays! When I prerecorded my instastories for today, I wasn't feel that good about where I was creatively, and it helped talking about it and hearing from some of you. I just came back from a quick camping trip, and I feel SO MUCH BETTER. Fresh air and amazing friends can do so much for you.
Ok today's memory was prompted by a conversation I had with some of my family friends. I was telling them how I want to reclaim my native language, which is Cantonese. If you don't know, my parents grew up in Hong Kong - their first language is Cantonese - and then in their 20's they moved to California - and had me and my sister. Swipe right to see a picture of me when I was 3. (I'm going to use Cantonese and Chinese interchangeably.) .
Growing up, the first language I ever spoke was Chinese! And I didn't learn English until I was little bit older. Then, eventually around school age, I gradually stopped speaking Chinese and only spoke English. I've written about this before, there were many social/cultural (aka white supremacist culture) that played into why I felt like I needed to conform to being as "American" as possible.
Back to the conversation with my family friends, I explained that a big reason I haven't practiced more is that I feel a lot of embarrassment for speaking Chinese so poorly. I can understand Chinese 100% - meaning that my ears are tuned to perfectly. So when I hear myself speaking, it's SO embarrassing. I don't even feel comfortable trying it around my family, because it's so embarrassing. I felt and still feel embarrassed for not embodying such a big part of my heritage.
Talking about the emotion of embarrassment, it also reminds me about feeling embarrassment especially growing up about not being white in white spaces. Or my family not matching the "norm" in white places like the library. There's this deep sense of not belonging that expresses itself in embarrassment that I felt really strongly growing up.
It's this shame for not being able to fully embody being Chinese or being "American." And if you're familiar with my work or with this narrative, you know what I mean by "American:" the standard of being "American" is being white. english speaking, and preferably male. It's a lose lose battle.
Part of my growing and healing is shedding off shame and all it's form, and being ok with sounding silly and know that nothing about me is embarrassing. To own my worth and dignity means to be brave and know that it comes with the cost of being misunderstood and misjudged. That's an ok cost to pay!
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#TWmemorymondays: A painting inspired by a memory every Monday of 2018. Connecting abstract art to real life. Week 37/53. 'Embarrassment' / 8x8 in / mixed media on paper