living and learning:
For those who have been following along through my Patreon journals, you’ve witnessed me in a deep freeze in this pandemic, start thawing this summer, and now I’ve passed the threshold where it’s a bit too much. FUN. But I think what’s going to make a difference this time around is extending self compassion. Life is this ebb and flow…sometimes its faster and sometimes is slower. I’m always taking in information that informs the future, and I already have so much embodied wisdom from my past that I can feel coursing through my veins. But even so - things are a bit too much right now.
How have you passed your threshold (you might ask)? I’ve said yes to too many things - working more and more gigs and side jobs. At first it felt invigorating and inspiring, but when the novelty wore down, what is left? I noticed that it’s very important for me to feel like my labor is respected and compensated fairly. When that isn’t happening, which is by my own doing by saying yes, personal resentment bubbled up. I wasn’t a full consensual yes with myself. I felt resentful for not valuing my labor first and foremost. Granted, this war isn’t just with myself, it’s with capitalism and how the systems of oppression profits off of exploitation of all kinds. This season and all it’s transitions has brought up so much within me about labor, value, capitalism, and my own sense of worthiness. All that to say, there’s room to make mistakes and to lose focus. But I’m here now, refocusing and keeping my eye on bottom line.
the nervous system:
I want to celebrate how my nervous system has been doing even though things have felt challenging and tiring. I’m trusting the fluctuation of my nervous system from the body level. I’m not as scared when activation happens. I used to get panicked when I would get activated or triggered thinking that I might lose control. With more capacity, I’ve watched myself ride these big waves of grief and sadness - and naturally find grounding again. My therapist has commented multiple times in the past month how it has been so good witnessing more ease when it comes to the ups and downs of my nervous system.
Co-regulating with my partner has been so supportive too. Cuddling, eating good food, and watching a movie can go so far! I always leave him feeling settled in my body and confident about our connection. It’s so healing to have a relationship that helps me draw closer to my most authentic self.
when there is capacity:
I think everyone has one of these: a never ending list of things you want to do once the regular maintenance things get done. Washing the inside and outside of my windows is on my list. And a miracle happened! I had a day to myself, and I took down my AC AND cleaned my windows. Feeling more sunshine flow through my windows and seeing more clearly the fall trees felt so good. The real miracle was that I had enough energy and inspiration to do it. I want to learn how to cultivate more mental/physical/emotional rest so that more days like that can happen.
Watercolor workshop:
I led my second meditative watercolor workshop at Guild Row. Look at that beautiful light! It was a lovely group of participants, and I was reminded once again how doing art in person can be so supportive. The energy of the room was really powerful - it was obvious each person held their own intentions and allowed themselves to be curious and to play. That workshop was sold out, and November’s class is also sold out. So thankful!
kombucha:
I’m on my second batch of kombucha! And this batch is infused with fresh blackberries and basil. I let this one sit for a few more days - so it’s a bit more vinegary, but I think it’s still very delicious. Next time I’m going to infuse with more berry juice or other flavoring. I’m thinking the next batch can be ginger and maybe cranberry.
trusting the timing:
About a year ago, I wrote a very vulnerable letter to my partner. I had a powerful download from my ancestors through this talk with Adrienne Maree Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor. It was a clear message about one of my roles in my partner’s life. The message felt sacred to me, and at that time it felt too raw and vulnerable to share it with him. But when I was thinking about what I wanted to gift him, that card felt like the right thing. So for part of his gift, I shared the card I wrote a year ago. Reading it again, it felt more relevant and true than ever. One of my most favorite things about how we relate (and also frustrating sometimes) is the pace of our relationship - it isn’t rushed but over time things grow strong and deeper. As a Leo, I haven’t always vibes with it, but this season I have felt so emotional thinking about the love that’s there and growing stronger and steadier day by day. (Excuse my sappiness)
cat-sitting:
I have the honor of cat sitting Morri for 3 weeks! He’s currently snoring next to me. The best!
relationship with making art:
I mentioned self compassion at the start of this post and it applies to my relationship with making art. I’ve been so busy with all my gigs and jobs - so making art takes the back seat naturally. I choose to not let it burden me, because I trust that there will be a time again when I can create more. That’s the thing about seasons! This month I was extra thankful for Create Together - my BIPOC monthly gathering, because the mission of the gathering applies to me too. I made it to be a consistent place where we can make art for pleasure, play, and curiosity. And I really needed it this month.
Podcast:
I didn’t read much this month, but I have been listening to podcasts alittle more. Recently, I’ve been making my way through Code Switch. Love this podcast so much! Can’t wait to listen to more episodes.
black women matter:
This is spray painted across the bridge on Belmont ave near the intersection of Belmont and Western. I pass by it alot, and I love this public piece of art. As a non Black POC, every day I face my internalized anti-Blackness and actively work on rewiring my conditioning. I owe so much to Black women, Black trans folks, and Black activists/educators/organizers. There is nothing that I do that isn’t from the benefit of their labor.
movie/show:
I watched this movie in the theater’s - the first time since the pandemic! I am such a big fan of Simu Liu from Kim’s Convenience. Loved seeing him in this movie!
Obviously I watched Squid Game! It was too violent for my taste, but it was thought provoking and incredibly creative.
A new change:
I felt the urge to get bangs, and I did it! I cut them myself and then got the rest of my hair cut professionally - got rid of 7 inches. I feel lighter physically and energetically from this change. Hope you all are taking care of yourselves and receiving care from others too.
As the holidays are coming up, I hope you and your chosen family experience space for whatever that is needed - whether it’s grief, joy, celebration, peace, and any combination of the emotions.