JOURNAL: NOVEMBER 2020

no words:

I think we can all agree that November was INTENSE. Honestly, I can barely comprehend all that happened this month and all it’s ups and downs. This was really the month to practice the skills and discoveries the pandemic has deepened: being in tune with my body responses, prioritizing rest, taking things slow, finding resource in relationships and being alone. The complexity of reality and all the feels will take awhile to process, and I’m only beginning to peel back the layers. Something that was a surprising source of comfort was that it was so incredibly warm and beautiful in occupied Chicago! On Election Day, I was at the park journaling in the sun. That’s unheard of here. One of the many things to be thankful for this month.

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Remember this moment?:

Didn’t this feel like a lifetime ago? The days leading up to November 3rd was excruciating and the day of felt like a thousand years - I’m not even exaggerating the weight and anxiety I felt. It was not only personal, but it was collective and intergenerational. I knew that Biden/Harris winning the election won’t in any way transform our white supremest society, but Tr*mp being in office would 100% make it harder for Black and brown folks to stay alive. Again, I felt this energetically in my city so strongly.

I was terrified to be alone like as I was in 2016 when Tr*mp was elected. On the 3rd, I kept on having flash backs of that feeling…being alone and realizing what was happening - and the implications of that reality. So many tears of remembering and tears of grief of what the past 4 years has been to the BIPOC community. Tears for lives that were lost and terrorized. Tears for knowing that this system needs to be burnt to the ground, and even if Biden/Harris wins - we can barely categorize it as a “win.” But this year, I wasn’t alone. I had a quarantine friend be with me and lots of other friends checking in on each other. It was different this year, and I’m so thankful for community.

When it was official that Biden/Harris will be elected President and Vice President, I heard my neighbors blasting music and banging on pots and pans! Hearing the celebration made me cry with joy and grief. The relief! And the complexity!

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The aftermath:

After Biden/Harris being announced as President and VP elect, the following week was…something. My body and mind shut down. I was in bed for a few days in a row feeling sick (non covid sick) and depressed. I had anxiety that something would happen and Tr*mp would suddenly become the winner of the election. I felt deep deep grief. It definitely was a trauma response for many things that I don’t think I’m fully aware of. The election was yet another reminder of how boldly white supremest this society is and how many people intentionally and unintentionally contribute to it. And I’m not even talking about conservatives vs liberals - it exists in both affiliations. So I stayed in bed and rested as all the feelings and responses circulated and released. Thankful for the privilege that I got to do that. Now - back to work, back to fight, and resting along the way.

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I had the honor to teach a workshop and be on a panel for “Beam your Brilliance” conference. It was an incredible experience attending the different talks that highlighted BIPOC brilliance and ingenuity. Two highlights for me was 1) hearing McKensie Mack on a panel share their experience embodying a true roundedness and not centering whiteness. 2) Hearing Courtney Napier share about Black Oak Society in Raleigh, NC. Black Oak Society is a community collective that centers Black creatives, and it was so amazing to hear Courtney describe how it really is it truly serves the local folks and highlights their experience.

I shared these thoughts on IG:

Who is centered?
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I was chatting with a friend recently about events/circles/workshops, and how important it is to be very transparent who it centers and being as specific as possible. As an example I shared about @sharynaholmes conference “Beam your Brilliance” and that it was clearly stated that it centers BIPOC brilliance and needs. It shows the faces of who will be featured - no surprises. It also states that the conference attendance is open to everyone including white folks. I appreciate that there’s no guessing!
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As I’m in a new season of discovering my role in this time/space/lifetime, getting really clear on who and what is centered has been such a journey. You might have seen me pivot alot in the past year! I’m learning, listening, and constantly challenging my why, what, and for whom.
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I’m diving into how do you run a business that doesn’t play the game of capitalism? Just because I serve BIPOC doesn’t solve that - it’s easy to serve BIPOC and still perpetuate oppression. Putting the label “for BIPOC” doesn’t really do much in itself, and it can be more harmful. So being vigilant at finding cohesion from my internal landscape to the external expression is on going.

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Perfectionism:

Another post from IG this month

Perfectionism
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Some life themes never get old like this one! In our collective conversations, I think we are getting to a place where we are all familiar with the idea of perfectionism as an outpouring of colonialism. Every decolonial workshop I host, this is a consistent theme. But are we familiar with the nuance of this embodied concept? For BIPOC and each person’s privileges, showing up in a colonial “perfect” way is about survival especially in public places. Consequences of not performing “perfectly” are real for many BIPOC and can easily be life or death situation. Code switching is a form of survival.
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But are we also familiar with the conversation and practice of how we can support each other in creating more choices than we might think there are? And how perfectionism is different than excellence? For example, I’m exploring in my art how order and detailed attention can either feel rigid, soul sucking, and limiting. But that same precision can also feel liberating, fun, fulfilling, and embraces human-ness. What has to pivot internally (and as a collective) for the latter to happen?
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I’m also exploring what does that look like as a friend, facilitator, and neighbor? How do I position my privilege and opportunities to create spaces that open up choices for the BIPOC community? Going back to ways that BIPOC have to show up in certain spaces (like white spaces), how can we remind each other to continue to strengthen our connection with ourselves, ancestors, and BIPOC community? So that we aren’t locked into an either/or mentality. Either we figure out how to survive the terrain and lose ourselves OR disregard it all and put ourselves at risk of being unsafe or traumatized.

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Books:

MEMORY POLICE BY YOKO OGAWA

I listened to this audio book this month, and I highly recommend it! I’m slowly making my way through Cat’s reading list, and I’m making pretty good head way. This book really was a great mix of fantasy and heartfelt narrative - it was exactly what I wanted. It made washing dishes and doing chores so much more enjoyable.

Interior chinatown by charles yu

Also finished this book! Highly recommend it if you’re looking for something witty, funny, and insightful with the Asian American identity and experience.

Unconditional parenting by Alfie Kohn

I’m slowly still reading this book. Realizing going slow with a book like this is important for me - so that I can actually digest it.

red at the bone by jacqueline woodson

This is up next - all queued up on my e reader!

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semicolon bookshop

Holiday season is here, and if you’re wanting to give books as gifts or maybe you want to gift yourself, Semicolon is a great bookshop to do that. I have my own semicolon BOOK WISHLIST available for you to browse through for inspiration.

Here are two books I ordered from there just a few days ago:

caste by isabel wilkerson

I listened to an interview of Wilkerson through the Fresh Air podcast this summer, and I’m excited to finally read this book.

A promised land by barack obama

I got this book for my partner, and I’m looking forward to hearing his thoughts about it. When we first started dating, we were going through 36 questions that lead to love, and the first question was “Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?” And one of the people he chose was Obama. So I thought this might be a fitting gift!

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Ndnxazn:

I’m honored to be part of this art initiative that embodies solidarity between Indigenous and Asian folks, while bringing awareness to our respective cultures and uptick of violent during this pandemic. This project means so much to me - researching for it brought up so many intergenerational feelings as well as a refreshed determination of why I do what I do. Each Asian participant was paired with an Indigenous participant in collaboration. It was also incredible to be partnered with Jolene Chee. We shared stories of our families and histories, which was very inspiring and sobering to see what hasn’t changed much over the many generations.

To read more about the mask I made, you can read it below through the images or from the website.

This is the background and mission of the project:

“The act of wearing a surgical mask when sick in many Asian cultures has historically been an act of consideration for one’s community. In 2020, these masks have turned humans into targets of physical and verbal attacks, particularly those of Asian descent. The Covid-19 pandemic has also seen a rise in attacks on Indigenous Sovereignty as environmental agencies are disbanded, pipelines greenlit, and drilling of protected lands escalate. Indigenous and Asian communities are continuing to be affected negatively by this pandemic, beyond just the virus itself.

Asian and Indigenous communities and their struggles have historically been overlooked and buried in society as these two communities make up some of the smallest populations in the Americas. With an uptick in violence committed against both communities, this group of Indigenous and Asian artists came together in solidarity to create an art project using masks to create a conversation about our cultural experience of this global event.

The mission of this art project is to use mask coverings to represent our ancestral practices and wisdom, but also to demonstrate how Asian and Native women are often silenced. We, as artists and activists and educators, refuse to be silenced. Pandemics have historically wreaked havoc on Indigenous and Asian communities and we believe intersectional solidarity is the key to our collective liberation. Join us in this project that explores themes of protection, ancestry, anti-white supremacy, and solidarity building.”

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SO EPIC RIGHT?! So glad I caught this conversation. One of the many things I walked away from this panel was when Adrienne Maree Brown and Dr. Angela Davis was talking about liberation language and accessibility to understanding liberation. AMB posed a question if we are more concerned about connecting with people or making ourselves superior? The conversation was about if institutions and students/professors are for local communities or for their own highbrow position. Even though I’m not in that world, it convicted me. It’s easy to use big words, but am I prioritizing the meaning more than my ego? While we are continually innovating new language to reflect the people, we need to always be reflecting if the use of language supports the purpose.

Another moment that made me cry was when Dr. Angela Davis was talking to the young people on the call, and she said she’s been teaching at universities since the 60’s and have seen many generations come and go - but THIS one is the best. This new generation is the most dynamic and committed. She expressed that she and all the activists of her time and before have been doing this work to see the younger generations rise up. “The best we can do is to create the terrain for a new generation” - Dr. Angela Davis. This stirred my heart and soul, because I believe in that. I am doing this work for the new generation and the generations after that. I might not see the work come into full fruition, but that’s ok - the legacy goes on. **cries**

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comfort food:

Growing up I would have this Chinese tofu dessert called Dou Fu Fa. It’s really silky tofu and you pour on ginger sugar syrup on the top to sweeten it. IT’S SO GOOD! And I found out that this Chinese restaurant near me sells it. If you’re in the Chicago area, check it out: Hon Kee Restaurant.

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bipoc holiday guides:

If you’re looking to support BIPOC businesses this holiday season, I have two lists for you! The first is by my dear IG friend @gabrielasage. Click on the image below to access the post.

The second list is by @selvanegra_:

Maybe you’re looking to contribute to directly to a fund instead of giving gifts - you can do so in the following ways or check out my website. <3

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giving tuesday:

Consider contributing to my BIPOC Healing Fund - I am working on the next series of workshops, and want to continue to make my offerings accessible to all BIPOC who think they can find support in it. Also consider inviting those you know who believe in accessibility and decolonial healing to contribute!

I recently found a workshop that was about anti capitalism business building, and I couldn't afford attending. I knew that the facilitator had so much wisdom to share - wisdom that I could really use during this time of my growth. So I reached out, and they provided me a full scholarship for the event. THAT FEELING. I felt loved and taken care of. It doesn't make sense for me to go into financial debt so that I can be resourced enough to offer my community my gifts. It felt so honoring to receive that scholarship while knowing that the facilitator was being paid for her labor.

This experience gave me an embodied experience of what it's like to receive a scholarship that funded experiences that would bring me nourishment. I want this to happen everywhere all the time for BIPOC. 

So I want to invite you to join me in distributing resources where it goes towards BIPOC who are seeking decolonial healing through art and reclaiming their connection with self and community. I believe that cultivating spaces where BIPOC can heal without the white gaze is very powerful and needed. My goal is to never turn down Black and Brown folks who think that my work can benefit them. 

Here are three ways you can contribute to my BIPOC Healing Fund:

1) Give a one time contribution through Venmo: @tiffanywongart - put "BIPOC Healing Fund" in the description 

2) Make a one time contribution through my website

3) Contribute $10/$20/$50 a month through Patreon

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figuring it out day by day:

Trying to find ways to release stress and to be connected to myself and others every day. It’s not easy, but I hope that this blog gives you inspiration and comfort. Feel free to say hi and tell me how you’re doing through IG DM’s - I would love to hear from you. Hope you’re taking care of yourself and being taken care of whether you can be together physically with loved ones or not. <3

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: OCTOBER 2020

REST AND TREES:

At the beginning of this month, I wrapped up the 6 week inner child workshop series as well as a webinar. Learning from August, I knew that it would take at least a week or two to arrive to a more balanced equilibrium in order to experience full bodied rest. And sure enough! I feel like I just arrived to a state where creativity is flowing and I’m feeling rested. October was so special, because this year I got to really bask in the beauty of fall here in Chicago. I’ve never slowed down this much to admire nature any other fall! Thankful for finding resource from nature and the changing seasons.

Before writing this I was reading last month’s post, and I’m encouraged that every month is different. Movement is constant. Thank goodness.

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Living alone:

I still cannot believe we are 8+ months into this pandemic. Living alone during it has and still is teaching me so much. It’s brought up why and how I maintained such a jam packed busy life before the pandemic - I think I was subconsciously always in a rush to prove to myself and others that I have a purpose and there’s importance to my life. This life season is giving me an opportunity to align my beliefs with reality more. To heal. I DO have a purpose and have importance, and there’s nothing I can do or not do that will change that.

Do I completely embody that truth? Not yet, because I think it’s a life long journey.

I’m taking yet another 6 weeks (or more) sabbatical from facilitating workshops/webinars. Before, I don’t think I would have given myself permission, because it might seem lazy or indulgent or not serving my community enough. But the truth is: this is EXACTLY what it looks like for me to be serving my community well. Making sure I’m coming from a resourced place when I start workshops series is for the wellbeing of everyone involved. Practicing my healing and art is integral to my facilitation, because embodiment what I teach is key.

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BIPOC liberation:

I’m working on a custom piece inspired by BIPOC liberation, and ever day I think about what does liberation mean as I paint. What does it feel like? What does it look like? Taste like? Sound like? What’s similar amongst the collective? What’s different between person to person or community to community?

I had a conversation recently about how important that there is anti oppression work alongside understanding how important joy/rest/laughter/celebration is. I’ve witnessed when there’s an imbalance of either one. If there’s over emphasis of anti oppression, there’s the possible danger of losing sight of the purpose (which is BIPOC liberation) while perpetuating oppression through exploitation of BIPOC martyrdom. And if there’s over emphasis of joy/rest/laughter/celebration without acknowledging systems of oppression, the implications are harmful and empty. The white wellness industry does that. It talks about rest without talking about privilege. And that’s violent.

As I’m painting this piece, I feel the power and celebration of what happens when there is acknowledgement of what’s wrong while embodying revolutionary resistance through BIPOC thriving.

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Music:

I have two playlists for two moods I’ve been into as background music as I focus on other things like work or journaling. The first one is this Studio Ghibli playlist that has moody main character feels. Love playing this when it’s gloomy or rainy!

The second playlist is this Jazzy Morning playlist for sunny cheery days!

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relationship with ig:

I really haven’t been feeling into Instagram for more than a month now. Don’t have many reasons for it, and practicing to give myself permission to honor how I feel. So I’m barely on there! Sometimes I feel guilty for not being more present there, because I know many of my connections with people in the community are existent there. Practicing to trust that they were still be there when I’m ready to connect. Also practicing trust that we all know life happens offline too! I’ve been enjoying my daily walks and tapping into my body and the physical world.

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Books:

I took a break from reading and other ways of absorbing information like podcasts for awhile. I haven't had much capacity, and this is another way I’m giving myself permission to not intake more. So different before - I’ve definitely forced myself to do things even when I didn’t have capacity. Not anymore! This is a big lesson of 2020 - learning to honor where I’m at. But a week ago after some deep rest, I felt a shift of energy where I wanted to get back into reading. Feels so good!

Interior chinatown by charles yu

Listening to this book on audible, and I’m enjoying it so much! The writing is really brilliant and funny. Charles Yu gives a refreshing take on social commentary of being Asian American and the complexity of it.

Unconditional parenting by Alfie Kohn

When I was leading the inner child workshop series, I was talking to a dear friend about my thoughts about reparenting ourselves, and she gave me this book that she though I would enjoy. I’m only 30 pages in, but I’m already nodding and agreeing with so much that is written. SO MUCH we need to be thoughtful about. Good intentions about almost anything don’t mean much - we need to take a better look at implications.

our story by rao pingru

A book I have on lend from a friend is this beautiful book that’s a memoir by a Chinese writer/artist. I’m slowly making my way through enjoying it. I’m so inspired by the storytelling in it and the illustrations that accompany the stories.

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netflix:

If you’ve watched this, you already know! It’s so good!!! And kind of ridiculous. Really enjoyed this documentary!

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a new plant baby:

I really like her :). She’s grown up so much in the past few weeks!

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I swear this photo is unfiltered and untouched! Unbelievable right? Right in a neighbor’s yard!!

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word of the month: self-permission

Not a surprise! We all embody different kinds and levels of self oppression under white supremacy/capitalism/patriarchy. If left unexamined and unhealed, it will be the default. I’m learning that as I’m undoing and reclaiming, so much of it is seeing what blocks are there taught by society, and which ones do I have power to go against. WHILE acknowledging my privilege and seeing how it’s at play. But isn’t that the bulk of this work? Healing from external and internal oppression while reckoning with the layers of privilege? When we are doing both of these things, we have the opportunity to serve the collective in a truly loving way.

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Fall cleaning:

For the first time in the many years I’ve lived in my studio apartment, I finally washed my windows on the inside and outside! It’s a small thing, but it’s a huge thing for me. Now my space is even brighter, I’m enjoying the sun and light/shadow movements every day. It really has brought me so much joy!

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sending my love:

As the elections are coming up very soon. Take care of yourselves - be prepared for worst case scenarios, and have a plan for self care. Anxieties are high. We are in this together!

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: SEPTEMBER 2020

September - the longest month:

This month was hard. It was really. really. hard. It was hard personally and collectively. If you relate, hugs.

I felt alot of fear and anxiety that something horrible is going to happen. And it was totally granted: horrible and scary things are happening. White supremacy is reigning. Black and brown communities are in danger. We are literally in a pandemic - 7 months in and a long time ahead of us. My nervous system was in hyper/hypo arousal so often, because what I feared was actually happening. The smallest things would trigger a deep response of hypertension. This month invited me to practice asking for support and to practice receiving it. Naming my anxieties and having people around me remind me that it’s ok I feel that way was really healing. Looking forward to deepening interdependence.

I shared this through instagram:

““Things feel hard”

Is something that was said alot this past week. Or really this past year ha! Through the process of doing my own work and learning how to facilitate workshops that prioritize BIPOC thriving, I’m seeing how powerful it is to know/offer/see that there are options in every step we take.

Options that aren’t meant to overwhelm us, but to provide choice when maybe we didn’t have it before. So much about inner child work is not forcing the inner child into a corner and demand for their behavior to be a certain way. Or make ultimatums like “if you do” __ then “you can have” __. Or if they don’t behave in a certain way, there is punishment by withdrawal of affection and presence.

What does it mean to extend unconditional love to ourselves - to our inner wounded or thriving child - that doesn’t just pay lip service but is backed up by consistent behavior? It’s really difficult to do because we are human just like our caretakers. But change is so possible! And actually inevitable.

In everything I do, like a chore I am dreading. Or a conversation that is important that I’m anxious about. Or choosing a new color to add in a new art piece. I’m practicing giving myself options so that every decision I make is conscious and comes from a place of liberation.

I have more to say as how does this applies (or doesn’t) in situations where I felt trapped under white gaze. I’ll share next time!”

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Nourishing the body:

I had a few moments of nourishing my body with beautiful food. One were these mixed micro greens from my local grocery store. They were pretty and yummy.

I’ve had this meal MANY times this month. Seasoned cucumbers + eggs over rice. Simple, but SO GOOD.

Here is how I season cucumbers: First I smash and cut an English cucumber. Add in some salt, sugar, sesame oil, soy sauce, fish sauce, rice wine vinegar, crushed pepper flakes. And when I’m feeling fancy, I also add minced garlic, green onions, and chili oil. Chill in the fridge. And enjoy!

Practiced letting the feels move through my body this month! Whether it’s joyful movements at home or taking walks with a friend, it felt like a relief to know that I can encourage energy to move through me. I noticed that my neck pain wasn’t as bad this month, and I’m so thankful for that.

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Inner child art piece:

I worked on this piece all of August and finished it early September. My heart was poured into this piece. I felt my inner child being nourished and honored as I was painting. It has brought me comfort as I was feeling really down this month - it reminds me how my ancestors are by me. How joy and sunshine is part of liberation work, and is necessary.

Right now I’m mentally transitioning in selling this piece. I know that it isn’t for me to hold on forever. If you live in Chicago, let me know if you’re interested in adopting this piece!

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Music:

Felt my soul feel thankful that Jamila Woods released this new single. I love the paperback version! CHECK IT OUT.

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Joy:

I got a new air plant from Neighborly this month, and it lives on my work desk. The plants in my apartment gives me joy, because they always stretch towards the sun. Reminding me to stretch towards the sun too. They grow slowly, and reminds me that I get to grow slowly too.

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Netflix:

Sister Sister

I watched many hours of this when I would be prepping for art pieces. All the nostalgia!!! Love this show so much.

It’s okay to not be okay

This K drama series was so enjoyable! I slowly made my way through it, and really really loved it. Highly recommend.

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Scared for the implications of this.

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no justice. no peace.

Breonna Taylor received no justice. I think that the collective feeling about this was such a deep moment of grief - of what this represents as society. How this hits in 2020. How this white supremest system and the police must be abolished. Tired, angry, determined, furious, sad, ready to fight, tired again, needing rest, finding ways to celebrate BIPOC communities. We need each other more than ever before. And each one of us need to hold ourselves accountable.

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October webinar:

In July I hosted my first webinar, and it was a great experience. There was a resounding response of wanting more spaces to talk about art and ways to engage with art in a decolonial way. Since July, I’ve honed in on my skill of presenting and facilitating alittle more, and decided to offer the webinar again with a few changes. Excited for it!

For more information and to register or purchase the recording, visit my website!

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Proving vs. sharing:

Posted this on my IG

“As an artist and human, I’ve been a long long path of learning how to grow my roots. I felt and sometimes still feel such a heavy weight to have to prove that I my art has meaning and that it’s valuable. After these years, I can feel the difference in energy when I’m feeling compelled to prove my art’s worth (aka also my worth as an artist) and wanting to share what is actually meaningful.
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August was a beautiful month to reconnect with art and why it’s my one of my chosen forms of expression and community engagement. It’s healing to be fully present in my body with colors and textures - exploring themes that are relevant to me on my own pace. No need to prove anything. My only focus is to nurture my soul and to be open to the discomforts that invite me to deepen my growing and healing.
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I love that art has been there for me, because proving vs sharing isn’t just an art thing. It’s a life thing. How I show up in my community. How I show up to myself.
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What’s your experience like in discerning between proving and sharing?”

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Practicing pleasure:

I’ve always struggled in enjoying a bath. It would feel too hot or cold or I would get antsy. A few days ago, I decided to learn how to enjoy a warm bath this fall/winter. This pandemic has taught me how to slow down. Maybe it would help with learning how to find pleasure in accessible ways. So I took my first bath in years! Epsom salts, a few candles, and a tired body - I actually found it relaxing and pleasurable. You might laugh or roll your eyes! But I’m celebrating being able to find more pleasure during these dark times. I need the deep rest and joy and pleasure in order to be fueled to do liberation work. Hope I can also encourage you to prioritize pleasure this season!

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I need your support:

My BIPOC Healing Fund is almost completely depleted from the Inner Child Healing workshop series, and I could use your support as I’m rolling out the Decolonial Healing + Art Webinar. My goal is to never turn down a Black or Brown person who desires to be resourced through my offerings. Please consider contributing - you can do so through this link.

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: AUGUST 2020

Month of rest and dreaming:

As I shared in the last blog post, I took August off from leading workshops/webinars. My intentions were: to practice rest, dream of what can be this coming fall and winter, refocus, get back into the practice of painting, and celebrate my birth month. It took the first three weeks were honestly hard for me to practice rest - alot of anxiety came up about the uncertainty of the future. I felt so much of self appointed pressure to produce something amazing for the fall/winter. I felt grief of what I have left behind.

All off those feelings were so necessary for me to go through, and I now feel relief and am experiencing deep rest. It felt like a detox! My neck pain that I wrote about last month is SO much better this month…thank goodness.

I’m incredibly thankful I have a community around me that actively supports me and accepts me in this process. Learning more and more what interdependence looks and feels like.

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Back into painting:

As you probably have observed, I’ve stuck to a very specific color palette in the past many years. At the beginning of August, I felt a strong impulse to give myself permission to play with freedom. I usually have a rule where I won’t use more than 3-4 colors per piece, which has served me before, but for this new piece I let myself paint with many colors without double guessing myself. I felt my inner child perk up.

This piece is inspired by a few imageries/visions my ancestors gave to me in July, and I’m excited to share the finished result. Getting back into painting reminded me how it’s such an incredible way to be embodied and let go of perfectionism. I’ve been thinking alot about the difference between excellence and perfectionism…I’ll share more about this another time!

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Love album:

No I didn’t get a cat! But I have lots of cat photos saved in a new photo album on my phone. My dear friend Stephanie (the owner of this adorable cat - Morris) shared with me about how it’s helpful for her to save photos and screen shots of texts that can bring comfort and remind her that she’s loved. So on my birthday, I decided to do that! It’s so easy for me to feel like I’m alone (especially in this pandemic), but having tangible reminders of all the beautiful relationships I have will come in handy in those moments. The album also has things that make me laugh and are cute :). I encourage you to start a love album if you haven’t already!

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Books:

I thought that this month I would get so much reading done, but when I tuned into my body and needs - I didn’t want to read and intake. So I gave myself permission not to read! It sounds simple, but it isn’t for me. While I love to learn and grow, I find myself trying to achieve through reading/podcasts/documentaries etc. I’m reframing intake of information and education to authentically serve me and society. I didn’t have capacity to read, because I needed that space to cultivate creativity and internalize what already is understood cognitively. Practicing self trust.

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Birthday celebrations:

Pandemic times calls for lots of one on one birthday celebrations in parks, and I’m thankful for it! It was a week and a half of birthday hangouts. Lots of meaningful celebrations and good food. Lots of laughter! 2020 birthday made me really grateful for the friendships I have and are deepening. Practicing interdependence isn’t always easy, but these moments makes me so in awe to have to opportunity to practice interdependence with some amazing humans.

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summer corn + dumplings:

I’ve been eating alot of summer corn this month and it’s so good! My go to’s are cutting the corn off of the cob and cooking it in some butter and miso. I always save the cobs and freeze them. When I have enough cobs, I make corn soup with them by just putting them in a pot of water - to make it yummier I add miso and some chicken soup base. I love putting vegetable Korean dumplings into the corn soup with a drizzle of sesame oil. Such a easy and satisfying meal!

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transformative justice - mia mingus:

I attended a Transformative Justice webinar hosted by Mia Mingus, and it gave me so much clarity. Over the past 1.5 yrs I’ve learned about transformative justice through Adrienne Maree Brown and a few other activists, but this 2 hr webinar gave me framework that is so needed right now - where I am in my work. One take away was how it’s so much more transformative to uphold systems of self accountability - instead of policing people into the “right” behavior. We need to invest in preventative work that lowers or eliminates violence, because it is so much harder to intervene with violence once it’s in crisis mode.

Over this year, I’ve read alot of public apologies and feel like I can spot a bad one a mile away. Mia Mingus spells out accountability so well! Read these two blog posts by her: The Four Parts of Accountability: How to Give a Genuine Apology - Part 1 + Part 2.

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new fall bipoc series:

After struggling for the first few weeks of August in not being sure what I should offer, I felt strongly my ancestors speaking: it will be about inner child work. It resonated with me deeply and I knew it would with the collective too. I knew that the emphasis won’t be pushing the inner healing in a reactive and harsh way - it will be giving space to regain the trust of our wounded inner child in a gentle way. For many of us, when we were young, our emotions and needs were not honored. We were forced to behave in a way that taught us to disregard our needs and feelings…to think that our needs and feelings are too much and are bad. Many of us also internalized that harm that was done was our fault when in reality it was because we weren’t protected adequately by our caretakers.

So meeting our wounded inner child where they are at is so healing. Using art making can also be so healing, because it engages them in an embodied way and encourages play and joy. I’m really excited to be facilitating space where the collective can do this together.

For more info and to register, visit my website.

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Going slow:

Posted this on my IG

“I’ve been in conversations with my friends about what does it mean to truly do our life’s work that aligns with transformative justice - with BIPOC liberation.

And the conversations always lands on: going slow, not being reactive, being rooted in relationship, doing ego work, embodying the values, always acknowledging privilege, having systems of accountability in place, being trauma informed, and being able to see the big picture.

Going slow doesn’t mean there isn’t urgency in keeping the system and everyone in it accountable, but to me it means that I don’t get sucked into the game of proving. Proving that I’m good enough for liberation work. Proving that I’m worth being paid for my labor. Proving that I have the answers (which I don’t.) Proving that I can do this work on my own (which I can’t.)

White supremest capitalistic colonialism *red flags*

I’m invested in the relationships in this collective, which takes time to grow. This morning, I’m rooting you on especially if you feel alone in your decolonial vision. Rooting you on in cultivating deep relationships that will ground you.”

Part 2:

“Learning from Mia Mingus about Transformative Justice was incredible yesterday. This morning I’m soaking in at how important being in authentic relationship is. Justice/liberation/healing work needs to be carried out on an interpersonal and political level. Mia Mingus reminded me that it’s easier to talk about big sweeping statements about the system, but it’s harder to be vulnerable with a close friend about being hurt.

How can we claim to be pursuing this work when we can’t even communicate and have nuanced conversations within our families and inner circles? Transformative Justice needs to be congruent on the big and small scale. And this is also why being trauma informed is so important!

I wrote about going slow in the last post, and I SO believe in it. It gives me space to learn, grow, be self accountable, listen, adjust, repair, and actually have margin for interdependence.

This month, my love of painting has been reignited. I painted slower than I’ve ever had before. I’m not finished with the piece I started at the beginning of the month, and I’m thankful. I’m thankful this morning for the opportunity to do this life’s work in community.”

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Ending summer:

I hope these blog posts inspire you to do your own personal reflections and to take time to internalize all that you’ve been learning. The next season is around the corner. It’s time to pause and look back to see what we want to continue to grow and what needs to be left behind.

Something I still feel so strongly about is accessibility. Would you consider giving a one time contribution through Venmo: @tiffanywongart ?

My BIPOC Healing Fund makes all of my offerings (workshops, webinars, mentorships) accessible to BIPOC. My hope is to never turn down Black and Brown folx who would benefit from what I have to offer. I believe that this work has to be collective. I’m not interested in doing this alone and I firmly believe that it takes the collective to dismantle the white supremest system.

---

Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: July 2020

Breonna Taylor:

NO JUSTICE. NO PEACE.

From WhiteHouse.gov:

“Breonna Taylor was an award-winning EMT & model citizen. Five months ago, a division of the Louisville Police Department executed a no-knock warrant on her home, claiming there were illegal drugs in her residence. Not a single officer announced themselves before ramming down her door and firing 22 shots, shooting Breonna 8 times, killing her. Not only was the warrant illegal and therefore void, but the man they were looking for had already been arrested earlier that day.
1. Fire, charge, and arrest John Mattingly, Brett Hankison, Joshua Jaynes, and Myles Cosgrove. Suspend their pensions.
2. Attorney General of Kentucky, Daniel Cameron, must conduct a transparent investigation of the Louisville Police Department.
3. Pass Senator Rand Paul’s bill, federally banning no-knock warrants.”

From Oprah Mag:

To continue the fight for Breonna Taylor: 1) Sign the WhiteHouse.gov and Color of Change petitions to demand justice from officials. 2) Call Kentucky's attorney general, Louisville's mayor, and Louisville's interim police chief to demand the officers involved in Breonna's death are fired and charged with her killing. Visit UntilFreedom.com for guidance. 3) Donate to the Louisville Community Bail Fund to aid protesters fighting in Breonna's hometown. 4) Hashtag #SayHerName on social media—so no one forgets her: Breonna Taylor.

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July lessons:

Energy + time are so valuable. This season of life aka this pandemic has really opened my eyes about this at a totally different level! I’m realizing every conversation I have, every email I send, every meeting I attend has costs me energy and time. Life is short! I resist spending my time/energy in a wasteful manner especially with people who don’t deserve my time/energy. Because I’ve been practicing having healthy boundaries, rest, and honoring my body and my needs, I get to facilitate spaces where BIPOC can lean into their decolonial healing. I get to have energy to ask for support and actually receive it. I get to dream about what the future might look like and pursue transformative justice. I get to prioritize my well being and advocate for BIPOC to do the same.

Hand in hand with this realization, I’m grieving all the times I’ve invested in things that never served me. Time and energy that were spent - robbing me of ways I could have invested in my community. I’m thankful for what I’ve learned, but also trying to honor this grief.

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neck/shoulder pain:

I haven’t shared much about this, but I’ve had neck and shoulder pain for many years due to stress/trauma. This pandemic has given be an opportunity to pay attention to my body and what it’s inviting me into. There are less distractions to the correlation between sometimes excruciating pain and my trauma responses. Pre pandemic, I can usually distract myself by business, taking pain relievers, and just bull dozing my way through.

I’m continually learning how much I hold myself and my words back, and my body is prompting me to show up in the world without always editing myself. My body is helping me see past wounds that need tending. My body is calling me to ask for support. My body is encouraging me to slow down.

The pain is not fun at all, but I’m thankful to reframe the seemingly inconvenience as an invitation to deepen my holistic healing.

Two things that have been helpful this month that a few friends have recommended to me are: Arnica gel and using a foam roller for neck/shoulder stretching and exercises.

---

Books:

Living for change by grace lee boggs

Started Grace Lee Bogg’s autobiography this month. It’s so healing and inspiring to read about a Chinese American woman who’s life was dedicated to social justice. My hope and prayer is to follow in her footsteps.

Parable of the talents by Octavia E. Butler

Last month I finished “Parable of the Sower,” which is first part of this two part series. Started part two, and I’m just as enamored by Octavia Butler’s writing.

My grandmother’s hands by resmaa menakem

Reading this book in August!

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What’s been bringing me joy:

refreshing my space

A couple days ago I rearranged my studio apartment. Sometimes switching furniture and plants around can bring new energy to a space. I’ve also been having so much joy around my ancestral altar - remembering and honoring my ancestors every day. Calling on them for support. Listening to their guidance. Cultivating the relationship. Remembering that the life’s work I’m participating in is so much bigger than myself.

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hydrating:

I’m still really into my daily citrus water! Leading the Ancestors workshop series has given me new insights to how simple things like drinking water can be such a beautiful invitation to listen and honor my body. It invites me to slow down and ENJOY nourishing my body + spirit. I can get swept away with anxious thoughts so easily, and these rhythms of taking care of myself helps me to be grounded in the present - in the physical world.

---

@decolonizingtherapy:

Dr. Jennifer Mullan’s work has really resonated with me this month (and every month). THIS POST gave me so much inspiration:

“Greetings & Salutations my People! Welcome back. 115K whew. As so much has raged & surged & fell out of our control within & around us - I trust ALL of our identities & boundaries have been pushed to limits; mine included. I’ve needed space, salt water, deep grieving & distance to reintegrate & rebalance my Self.

Recalibration is a whole word. With that I gape at the growing collective here. Although, I can feel the urgency & need for action- I also sense a deep need for rest, personal accountability & self reflection; Weaving it. I trust that you have drank some humble tea, chuckled at your shit & put on grown folk pants. I have.

Lately labels & introductions feel so restricting. I’m in a pretty ambiguous space, but I will say - more than ever I’m glad to be here. Able to show up with a bit more of the vulnerability I bring to my personal life. I value transparency. So here I present some phases of mine, like the moon my Sun sign resides in. Just Jenny & some roots.

>I have worked with & in multiple therapeutic paths & traditions. Each revolution led to another, slowly unraveling & Decolonizing chunks of who I thought I was. 
>Just therapy, didn’t do it for me. 
>I know for sure that the Intergenerational trauma transmitted is every bit ancestral-as it is psychological,emotional, systemic, environmental & physical.
>I thrive when creating alchemy between raw emotion, therapeutic containment, community & humanization. 
>Living amongst & fighting white supremacy/ urgency is a deeply liberatory & spiritual act of love for my People & Ancestors.
> I live with invisible disabilities & continue to work through my own internalized ableism.
>I am intense.
>I don’t like being told what to do- I didn’t at 8, I don’t at 42.
>I am more than intuitive & often what comes out here is channeled. 
>I live & study multiple ancestral traditions & have for years; all embedded in my lineages. 
>I have Leo in the 12th house.
>I grew up in the inner city. 
>I am a Black woman who is multiracial. 
>Little me is a writer & performer (dancing school from 3-15yrs old here). 
>Teen me will burn it all down in a second. 
>42 yo me is surrendering to liberation & revolution.”

— Dr. Jennifer Mullan

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Music:

My dear friend, DeYandré, provided playlists that corresponded with each of the Ancestors Workshop (as well as oracle/tarot group readings.) It’s such an honor to collaborate with her and to be nourished by her magic. If BIPOC want to check out these playlists here are the links:

Water Playlist // Fire Playlist // Earth Playlist // Air Playlist

Also, DeYandré is providing tarot readings and fashion styling! You can book her HERE.

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Finished the ancestors workshop series:

Every month, I’m humbled by the participants in these workshops. Imposter syndrome is definitely something I’m really working through, but something that helps is remembering that I’m not alone - I’m facilitating, but I’m not alone as a fellow community member who is also figuring out this decolonial healing in a messy human way. It’s been a growing opportunity to practice honoring every individual’s journey and demonstrating that it’s powerful to give each other the space to be. No need to prove. No need to perform.

I’ve noticed that it takes repeating something many many times in order for certain things to get through. I’ve also learned that it takes time to gain trust. Even if I say “you don’t need to prove anything here,” it takes every individual to discover what that really means or feels like. Colonialism runs so deep. It’s almost easier to know that it’s true that people in the group won’t judge, but to trust themselves and to give themselves that permission can be the hardest part. I know this, because that’s my experience too.

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Taking August off from workshops/webinars:

Posted this on my IG:

“ I’m learning to trust myself and my ancestors in ways I never have before. Last month it was clear to me that I needed to take August off from teaching workshops or doing any kind of leading. August is my birthday month (shoutout to my Leo’s out there! 🦁) and my spirit is saying that there’s something in store for me. Something to reclaim and receive.

My spirit is saying that I need to continue to practice what I believe in: that rest is liberation work, that honoring myself is honoring the collective, that anti capitalism decolonial work is reconditioning myself from having to grind all the time. I have an invitation to deepen that trust.

The colonial voice in my head is saying that I can’t afford to take a break. People who are interested in what I have to offer will fade away. What I’m doing already isn’t enough to make a difference. I have to be perfect - and I’m failing that big time. And what about future bills???”

I will be working on re kindling my painting practice, resting, and deepening my decolonial healing. Burning out in this work is very easy, and I’m excited to implement knowledge I know about creating healthy rhythms and practices.

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Ways you can celebrate my birthday:

• Contribute to my BIPOC Healing Fund:

  •  Contribute $10/$20/$50 a month through Patreon

  • Give a one time contribution through Venmo: @tiffanywongart - put "BIPOC Healing Fund" in the caption

My BIPOC Healing Fund makes all of my offerings (workshops, webinars, mentorships) accessible to BIPOC. My hope is to never turn down Black and Brown folx who would benefit from what I have to offer. I believe that this work has to be collective. I’m not interested in doing this alone and I firmly believe that it takes the collective to dismantle the white supremest system.

---

Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: June 2020

do black lives still matter?:

Now that things have “simmered” down - now what? I keep on thinking about a live video I watched that Aja Barber did, where she asked how many more Black people need to die in order for people to care. How many more deaths? What’s the number of deaths that need to be reached for people to realize everything needs to change?

The thing is - it’s not the lack of information or news. For white (and nbpoc), it’s the lack of wanting to give up privilege and resources. It’s the white fragility. It’s the fear of being uncomfortable. It’s the knowing that if they REALLY cared, everything in their life needs to change - so that the system can be dismantled. And as a nbpoc, that applies to me too! I need to work on my anti Blackness every day. I need to do my research, do my reconditioning, be comfortable with being uncomfortable in addressing, reckoning with my privilege, and figure out how to use my energy well. I need to be ready to use my body and voice in defense of Black folx.

Decolonial/antiracist/antibias work isn’t a calling. It is the minimum requirement if you believe that BIPOC deserve to be treated with dignity and equality. It shouldn’t be applauded. It shouldn’t be celebrated when people do minimum work.

My question is (especially for white people who are possibly committing performative allyship): Do Black lives still matter to you? Or do you think posting a black square and writing #listeningandlearning is enough? Do you feel just as heart broken when Black women and trans folx get murdered? What if no one knew your efforts? What if BIPOC still think you’re ignorant and racist after you think you’ve been doing the work? What lengths will you go to defend of your ego? Do your actions match your words? Are you open to being corrected? Do you have space for Black and brown rage?

ALSO DON’T FORGET BREONNA TAYLOR’S MURDERERS ARE OUT THERE LIVING THEIR BEST LIVES. !NO JUSTICE. NO PEACE.!

Ericka Hart writes in THIS POST:

“Before you jump into theorizing, make sure you call and/or email the Kentucky Attorney General, Daniel Carmeron today and everyday, 502-696-5300/ attorney.general@ag.ky.gov, demanding that Mattingly, Cosgrove and Hankinson - the Louisville police officers that murdered Breonna Taylor are held accountable. Firing one officer isn’t the answer. He’s not even listening to Beyoncé so it’s going to take something.

And yes, I’m well aware arresting someone is not a practice of abolition and I also know that we have not yet abolished the police state and Breonna Taylor is no longer here, so an arrest/conviction and time needs to be served in the meantime.

None of these questions are rhetorical. Abolition is going to look like unearthing the foundation(s) of these questions (and so many more) not just to call it something but to STOP it from happening. Constantly questioning and calling out the the many formations of white supremacy regardless of how harmless you believe it to be is necessary and life saving. #justiceforbreonnataylor”

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GRIEF + REST

I SHARED THIS ON IG:

Don't confuse:
Rest with apathy, refusal to fight white supremacy, or laziness. I rest so that I can fuel more righteous rage, more radical joy, more pro Black and Indigenous action, more honest introspection, more collective healing, more grieving.

Honoring our BIPOC grief is life long, and takes energy.

Why are we constantly processing grief?

Here are some possible things to grieve that might apply to you over your lifetime (many of them overlapping):

Childhood trauma
Adult trauma
Relational trauma
Relational endings
Ancestral trauma
Racial trauma
Racial/systemic oppression
Internalized oppression
The suffering* of your ethnic or racial community
*Suffering: disease, poverty, violence, exploitation, etc.
The suffering of our BIPOC local community
The suffering of our BIPOC global community
Unjust/violent death of BIPOC / genocide / incarceration
Separation of families because of systemic oppression
Anticipatory grief // especially during the pandemic
Death of loved ones
Global warming / environmental death
Everything born from hetero patriarchy, capitalism, white supremacy, ableism, etc. etc.
The loss of what you thought would be - wasn’t and isn’t
Loss of not knowing what you know now earlier - grief for perpetuating internal/external oppression 
And the list goes on

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PBS asian american documentary series:

Watch it!

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Books:

Kindred by Octavia E. Butler

Finally finished it, and wow what a masterpiece! Many many parts were very difficult to read, but Octavia Butler writes so intentionally, deliberately, and beautifully. How she weaves sci fi with reality is really phenomenal.

Parable of the sower by Octavia E. Butler

Can’t stop! Also finished this book this month.

What’s next on the book list? Living for Change by Grace Lee Boggs!

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What’s been bringing me joy:

Citrus water

Every day I make myself an infused water that I refill with more water the entire day. Typically I would juice a lemon or two limes, add mint or basil if I have some, frozen strawberries, a little unsweetened cranberry juice, water, and shake it up with ice. It’s so refreshing and helps me stay hydrated!

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PANDEMIC LIVING:

For the first time since mid March, I ventured outside without having intense anxiety. THREE TIMES, I went a block away from my apartment to a quiet lawn and read under a tree. Simple things aren’t so simple anymore. As I’m watching people walk past my apartment without masks on, it reminds me of how different reality is for everyone. What a way to move! Without anxieties of catching or spreading a deadly virus, without a fear of racist assaults, without thinking twice of the consequences of their actions. What luxury!

It’s been interesting trying to take small steps out of all the anxiety. I celebrate being ok with walking one block away and that I can enjoy the sun, wind, trees. One day at a time.

---

My dear friend, Brit, sent this tweet by Angie Thomas to me the other day. I can’t get it out of my head, because it’s so true! Especially for BIPOC, society has made it where white people feel like they have the right to demand for our labor. The weight of responsibility is ALWAYS on Black and brown shoulders. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard white people talk about how they don’t know what they don’t know because Black and brown folx haven’t kindly shared with them. White supremacy is holding white bodies as supreme over Black and brown bodies - white supremacy demands Black and brown bodies to serve white bodies.

As a Chinese woman (and if you’re BIPOC, you can relate), I am trained to appease white people. To make them like me. To make them think I’m not as foreign as they thought. To make them feel comfortable around me. My decolonial healing looks like refusing to cater to white people. It looks like celebrating my rage and the rage of my Black and brown community. It looks like making space where BIPOC can be. It looks like not defining my success by white/colonial/capitalistic standards. It looks like standing my ground when that white ego gets bristled.

So I love this tweet, because the response to “no” says so much. It shows who is supreme. It shows if the relationship is mutual. It shows if that person/institution thinks they have the right over your time/labor/body.

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New workshop series:

In April, I led my first online workshop with Black and brown folx on decolonial healing and Self Compassion. I thought that would be the only one I would do, because at that point I was under the impression being in quarantine would only last a couple of weeks. HA! And then I decided to lead another month of workshops about Interdependence. A balm to my soul. This time around I knew better, and decided to continue. Long before the BLM protests, the need to grieve collectively was heavy on my heart. So in June, we went through three weeks of practicing Grief + rest, pleasure, and imagination.

I have to say that this experience has changed me - is changing me. The generosity within these groups is so refreshing, so honest, so HEALING. I can’t say that word enough! It’s healing my wounds and my fear to trust people. Every Saturday, I sit in awe after the workshops feeling so honored to be to share space with such glorious Black and brown humans.

I’m SO EXCITED about the next workshop series! We will be exploring ancestral connection and rituals. I felt my ancestors calling me to lead this series, and I’m trusting them to continue to guide. Something I know for sure is that grief will continue to be practiced. I’m looking forward to making space for deep grief as well as offering guidance in inviting ancestors to support us. Registration is open!

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What is time?

Another month has past that felt like a decade. Who knows what July will bring! All I know is that I’m determined to continue to heal, experience bountiful community, confront internal oppression and anti Blackness, embody joy, and honor my grief.

---

Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: APRIL 2020

Lessons in Quarantine:

In April, I experienced many stages of grief, and thankfully acceptance has made an appearance - which really helps with anxiety. Now that I’m sitting here reflecting on April, I’m so grateful for how healing is continuing despite being in the pandemic. The biggest lesson of the month is being confronted by my need for healing when it comes to resources/money - healing from capitalism. It is so hard for me to receive any type of compensation for my labor - if I had my way, I would just give it all away for free. My head knows that it is anti capitalistic for me a WOC to be paid sufficiently for my labor/art/work. My trauma response makes me undermine and doubt my work’s worth and ultimately my own worth. I had friends so lovingly call this out in me this month. Now that my livelihood is threatened, I’m pushed to really confront this. Receiving mutual aid is helping me heal this wound. Being reminded of my worth is helping me heal. Last week I came out with a collection of small works, and I was once again reminded by how the community is ready to support me. There is enough to go around, and that’s why it’s so horrifying that people are suffering/dying because of the lack of basic needs being met. Providing support to the BIPOC community is my way of making my gifts readily available and that can simultaneously happen with the ability to meet my needs.

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Documenting this time:

I don’t know how many times I’ve had this conversation with friends! We keep on reminding each other to document what is happening and how we feel during this pandemic. THIS IS HISTORY. It is so easy to forget as individuals and collectively. It’s important to record as much as we can, because there is a lot we are learning about ourselves, our communities, our society, our resilience, our privilege, etc. All the things including past trauma and unresolved issues are bubbling up (or maybe more like exploding in our faces.) This is our time to lean in and listen to what needs our energy, and let go of things that don’t. I’ve been writing every day - so I get to unload my overwhelmed system and record my feelings and thoughts during this time of crisis.

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Book:

Kindred by Octavia E. Butler

This book is incredible. Finishing it in May!

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Grief:

I shared this on IG late April

I feel so much grief. For those who are dying and have died alone, and for all the families unable to be with them or to mourn their death with loved ones. For Black and brown communities being impacted during this time with the virus on top of ALL the impacts of intergenerational and systemic AND individual racism. For Black and brown communities who make up most of the essential labor - underpaid and under protected. For my Asian community who is being targeted with racial discrimination and violence. I feel grief at how BIPOC’s stress of being scared for themselves and their families’ lives and livelihood will impact their health and wellness even more. I feel grief for undocumented immigrants who will receive zero benefits from the government while most of their labor is being exploited. I feel grief for BIPOC who are incarcerated and detained afraid for their lives on top of being unjustly trapped.

I feel grief for the fact that most white people are still blinded to how they are benefitting from systemic oppression. The virus doesn’t care what race you are, but we need to wake up to the fact that those who are unfairly exposed to it are disproportionately Black, Indigenous, and People of Color. Those who will suffer under medical racism are BIPOC. Those who have health preconditions because of intergenerational and individual racism are BIPOC. Those who will have to choose between rent and food are disproportionately BIPOC. Children who don’t have access to chrome books and internet are disproportionately BIPOC.

We must be a community who grieves together. Because when there is grief, there is honesty to what's really happening, and where there is honesty, there is hope. And when there is hope, there is action. Depending on your privilege, we each have to ask ourselves what can we offer to society right now? For BIPOC, it may look like not offering more free labor and investing in your health through rest. For white people, what resources can you give up during this time?

---

My goto smoothie:

• 1 frozen banana

• 6 frozen strawberries

• A handful of spinach

• 1/3 c. of non dairy milk (or yogurt if I have some)

• a scoop of peanut butter

• sprinkle of cinnamon

• Tbls of honey

• 3 cubes of ice

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finding comfort:

Creating rhythms is crucial during this time. Every morning I find joy in filling my little diffuser with water and putting in a couple drops of lavender, tea tree oil, grapefruit, and immune boosting blend essential oils.

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Leading my first online workshop series:

Right before leading my first online workshop, I almost threw up from being so nervous. It is so vulnerable to be sharing things that I believe in so much with a group of people not knowing how they might receive it or if they might even think what I have to offer is helpful. When the workshop started and I saw the Black and brown faces, I instantly felt that there was a sense of openness and care. The energy that was circulated was very strong. There was so much reciprocity and a willingness to be honest and curious. Over the whole month, I continually felt energized to support this community and dig deep within myself to show up as authentically as I can.

I still get nervous, but now I know that practicing what I teach is key. It’s scary to show up authentically to yourself and others, and that’s ok! Meeting ourselves exactly where we are is it. That’s self compassion.

If you are reading this and you attended the workshops either live or through the recording, THANK YOU. Thank you for leaning into your healing and thank you for trusting me.

---

tiktok:

Don’t judge me. I downloaded it in April, and it made me laugh! I also learned some things that I adopted in my workshops. This particular tiktok by @healingtalks24 is INCREDIBLE. This duo shares 5 Self Holds that can be especially helpful right now.

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Round two of online workshops!:

I’m so excited about May’s workshop series! I’ve learned a lot from April, and I can’t wait to implement some changes to make the experience safer and more healing. Here is something I wrote on IG explaining more about the theme:

I chose to put clear quartz in the photo of May’s workshop series for BIPOC on Interdependence, because I feel like it represents so many aspects of this decolonial healing process.

I’ve joked SO many times that I have a heart of stone (it’s actually not that funny), because it’s sometimes hard for me to access emotions especially when it comes to myself. I’m a deep feeler and am super sensitive to others, but because of trauma - at the same time - it’s hard for me to access some emotions. I’ve been gaslit about how I’m too harsh on pushing my “views” that I take aka voicing my rage/grief against oppression. Along with many other traumas the result is that I know how to shut down in self protection. With compounding years, these become blocks and ingrained trauma responses.

Especially for BIPOC empaths, I think this experience is very common. Being constantly gaslit about our empathy and desire to see justice in our communities can result in our survival skill of having a hard time to trust ourselves and others. On this decolonial healing journey, we are invited to liberate ourselves from guilt and shame for having these trauma responses WHILE extending self compassion for why we have guilt/shame/blocks. We are invited to see this hardness as resilience of our past - AND to move to a space where we can reclaim trust in ourselves and others.

Clear quartz is hard like a stone, but it is also a conduit of healing energies. There is movement in it’s existence. It can amplify and be a vessel. I always have this crystal in a place where I look at it every day as a reminder of our ability to be a conduit of healing and liberation.

---

article:

I contributed to Unearthing Our Fire’s blog, where I wrote about my experience in this pandemic. Here is a short excerpt from it:

“In pursuit of collective healing and liberation, I also invite white allies to sponsor spots in the workshops. That way, the workshops are accessible to BIPOC, I can be paid for my labor, and white allies can use their privilege in a helpful way. White allies, don’t fall for the lie that this crisis is a leveler and that we are all in this together equally. You have more choices in this pandemic than BIPOC. So my call to action for you is to know that your privilege is power. Choose to pour your available resources into Black and brown communities.”

---

Another month:

We got through March and April in quarantine. I’m currently reminding myself that meeting myself in the present is priority. It’s easy to get carried away with how I SHOULD be and what I SHOULD do and how I SHOULD feel. May is extending more self compassion to myself and allowing people in my life to support me as I support them. We don’t know what the future looks like and that’s very scary. We are not alone in it. You are not alone!

How are you?

I’m here for you. DM me on Instagram anytime to let me know.

---

Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: MARCH 2020

MARCH FELT LIKE A DECADE:

As I’m reviewing this past month, I am continually astonished at how the month began and how it ended. Most of us never saw this coming, and I remember laughing at how COVID-19 was being blown out of proportion and was some kind of anti-China propaganda. “People just need to wash their hands and not give into the fear.” WOW…the turn around from that mentality was FAST. I’ve been self quarantined for…feels like a decade…by myself in my studio, it has been a rollercoaster of anxiety, fear, depression, hope, overwhelm, gratitude, guilt, and basically all the feelings. And I know for a fact that I am not alone in it. I am sure you have had your rollercoaster of feelings. I want to take this moment to remind you to:

Take a deep breath

Honor where you are and how you feel right now

And know that you are not alone

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what have i learned?:

• For my mental health, I need to FaceTime my sister + niece and friends every day. Even a couple of minutes go a long long way.

• Routine/ritual is important.

• Moving my body is needed every day.

• Rest is very very hard for me. The capitalistic conditioning runs so deep.

• This time is an INVITATION and not a time to self punish. Every day I am confronted - INVITED I mean - by the same cycle of thinking.

  • I feel anxiety and loneliness, and then I am tempted to: berate myself because people have a way harder time than me…I have so much privilege (which is absolutely true)…and what I’m experiencing is not a big deal…people are literally dying and are people who are more marginalized than me have little to zero resources to be supported during this time. And then I want to shove all that anxiety and loneliness down.

  • So some days I spiral and the overwhelm evenly passes. This is an important observation, because whatever I do with that anxiety and loneliness, the overwhelm always passes.

  • When I am reminded to press into healing, I allow myself to feel the anxiety and loneliness - and I honor it. I can acknowledge my privilege and the suffering of those who have less privilege. Both can exist at the same time!

  • In a self compassionate voice, I tell myself that OF COURSE I feel anxious and lonely. The future is uncertain and scary for myself and others. And I’m experiencing being by myself for such extended periods of time for the first time in my life. Of course many traumas are triggered.

  • I ask: what do I need? How can I relieve myself right now? How can I contribute to the collective?

  • Painting and my plants have helped me a lot during this time.

---

Podcasts:

I started the month listening to this series called “Divesting From People Pleasing” by Nicole Kelly. This series is incredible. We all need to be continually listening to and believing Black women.

THIS EPISODE. “When Fear of Coronavirus Turns Into Racism and Xenophobia” by Code Switch. After this episode, I took a break from podcasts, because I was so inundated with news - it was all too much.

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Books:

Severence by Ling Ma

I saw that @cookiecat.herine wrote that this was her top rated book that she read in 2019, and I got it from the library (in ebook form) right away. WOW I loved reading this book, and it was surreal to read it during this pandemic. Here is the synopsis:

“Candace Chen, a millennial drone self-sequestered in a Manhattan office tower, is devoted to routine. With the recent passing of her Chinese immigrant parents, she’s had her fill of uncertainty. She’s content just to carry on: She goes to work, troubleshoots the teen-targeted Gemstone Bible, watches movies in a Greenpoint basement with her boyfriend.

So Candace barely notices when a plague of biblical proportions sweeps New York. Then Shen Fever spreads. Families flee. Companies cease operations. The subways screech to a halt. Her bosses enlist her as part of a dwindling skeleton crew with a big end-date payoff. Soon entirely alone, still unfevered, she photographs the eerie, abandoned city as the anonymous blogger NY Ghost.

Candace won’t be able to make it on her own forever, though. Enter a group of survivors, led by the power-hungry IT tech Bob. They’re traveling to a place called the Facility, where, Bob promises, they will have everything they need to start society anew. But Candace is carrying a secret she knows Bob will exploit. Should she escape from her rescuers?

A send-up and takedown of the rituals, routines, and missed opportunities of contemporary life, Ling Ma’s Severance is a moving family story, a quirky coming-of-adulthood tale, and a hilarious, deadpan satire. Most important, it’s a heartfelt tribute to the connections that drive us to do more than survive.”

Know My Name by Chanel Miller

I am taking my time reading this book, because it is heavy and not something you rush through. It’s been a good opportunity to always check into my body as sexual assault and the way our system fails us could be very triggering. I’m 3/4 through it, and I know for a fact it is a very important book. A must read if you are aware of your own triggers and are up to a heavy read.

The bride test by helen hoang

As you might have noticed that those books are pretty intense and heavy, and I realized I needed a book that is light. So this romance novel is perfect! It’s another book that @cookiecat.herine also recommended.

I’m also slowly reading Emergent Strategy by Adrienne Maree Brown. I read it every morning, and has given me hope and inspiration.

---

My next book for april:

On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous. Join me in reading it if you haven’t already! And if you’re in for a heavy read.

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Taking walks:

Taking walks have been incredibly difficult for me. Every time I have to leave my studio because I have to go to the grocery store or because I want to move my body outside, I get an incredible amount of anxiety. So I haven’t left unless I absolutely have to because I need to buy food. Outside feels so unsafe from being afraid of getting the virus to being afraid of spreading it to anti-Asian verbal/physical assault. The one time I went on a walk by the river right by my apartment, it was one of the hardest days while being self quarantined. Nothing particularly happened, but I was so anxious about what people would say or do - and on top of it, I was reminded how I’m alone doing self quarantining. I saw people on walks with their partners, kids, and dogs. Something so simple like taking a walk now feels so threatening. This is something I’m coming to grasp with and am grieving.

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articles:

THIS ARTICLE was sent to me by a dear friend, and when I read it - it put to words what I felt so viscerally.

“You said we’re feeling more than one kind of grief?

Yes, we’re also feeling anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief is that feeling we get about what the future holds when we’re uncertain. Usually it centers on death. We feel it when someone gets a dire diagnosis or when we have the normal thought that we’ll lose a parent someday. Anticipatory grief is also more broadly imagined futures. There is a storm coming. There’s something bad out there. With a virus, this kind of grief is so confusing for people. Our primitive mind knows something bad is happening, but you can’t see it. This breaks our sense of safety. We’re feeling that loss of safety. I don’t think we’ve collectively lost our sense of general safety like this. Individually or as smaller groups, people have felt this. But all together, this is new. We are grieving on a micro and a macro level.

What can individuals do to manage all this grief?

Understanding the stages of grief is a start. But whenever I talk about the stages of grief, I have to remind people that the stages aren’t linear and may not happen in this order. It’s not a map but it provides some scaffolding for this unknown world. There’s denial, which we say a lot of early on: This virus won’t affect us. There’s anger: You’re making me stay home and taking away my activities. There’s bargaining: Okay, if I social distance for two weeks everything will be better, right? There’s sadness: I don’t know when this will end. And finally there’s acceptance. This is happening; I have to figure out how to proceed.

Acceptance, as you might imagine, is where the power lies. We find control in acceptance. I can wash my hands. I can keep a safe distance. I can learn how to work virtually.
”

“A writer for The New Yorker, Jiayang Fan, said she was taking out her trash last week when a man walking by began cursing at her for being Chinese.

“I’ve never felt like this in my 27 yrs in this country,” she wrote on Twitter on Tuesday. “I’ve never felt afraid to leave my home to take out the trash bc of my face.”

Attacks have also gotten physical.

In the San Fernando Valley in California, a 16-year old Asian-American boy was attacked in school by bullies who accused him of having the coronavirus. He was sent to the emergency room to see whether he had a concussion.

In New York City a woman wearing a mask was kicked and punched in a Manhattan subway station, and a man in Queens was followed to a bus stop, shouted at and then hit over the head in front of his 10-year-old son.”

Earlier today (march 26), I knew I had to go to the groceries. I allowed myself to cry from the anxiety, and then I did it. Fast forward to now, I just read this article. It saddens me, but it also gave me a sense of sanity…because grocery stores came up multiple times. As more and more Anti-Asian racist assaults become visible, we also have to remember that we (Asians) have non-Black privilege. The Black community has always been facing this kind of racism from all fronts.

---

“Broken”:

shared on instagram

A couple weeks ago, I asked two questions: "Have you been told/taught that you are born broken?" and "Have you recently described yourself as broken?"

No surprise, the majority of people said yes to both questions.

I've been thinking about this alot, because I grew up in a conservative Evangelical Christian household where that was taught. I was taught I was born broken and that "the world" is broken. In unpacking spiritual and racial trauma, I see how intertwined it all is. White supremacy wants communities of color to believe that we are born broken and that society is broken. Imagine hearing that from a cis man - and more often than not - a white man. Over and over and over again.

Society isn't broken: it is intentionally designed to oppress Black, Indigenous, and People of Color. The whole system is designed to do that. So let's not get it twisted that it's also born broken.

BIPOC, as we are decolonizing/healing, we need to remember that that kind of conditioning goes so deep. We need all the self compassion when we realize that it's so easy to see our trauma and coping techniques as evidence of our "brokenness."

You are whole. You are complete. You are healing. You are resilient.

Especially in this time (practicing self quarantining, this can be a very triggering time), we need each other to remind us about the importance of decolonizing and collective healing. And hear it again: you are not broken. 

---

for your anxiety:

I made a compilation of me just mixing paint and painting for just the purpose of soothing the nerves. Feel free to watch it anytime you’re feeling anxious!

---

online workshops:

This month I had to be creative about income, and I decided to release two online workshops! And it was a really good experience, because I learned about following my gut. I came out with a workshop for BIPOC that is based off of the healing guide (which many of you are signed up for). And the other one was open for everyone. I was reluctant to lead a healing + arts workshop with white people, because I’m in a particular place in my healing where I’m very easily triggered. But I went with it anyways, because I need to hustle and I do believe in healing that is beneficial to everyone. THEN, no one signed up! I instantly knew that it was the Universe telling me that my intuition was correct and that wasn’t something to be discouraged about - it was confirmation.

For those who are signed up for the Guide to Healing through art for Black and Brown Folx, I am so excited about the online workshops! My spirit feels very in line with it and am energized by the thought of gathering and healing with you all. If you are not signed up for it, it’s not too late! Feel free to edit your patronage anytime.

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food:

Eating warm congee that reminds me of home is what I needed this month. Here’s the instant pot RECIPE!

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thank you:

Who would have guessed we would be here just a month ago? I wanted to thank you for supporting me. Every patronage really really counts. Every dollar. Every comment. Every kind word. It goes incredibly far, and I am very grateful to have a community around me that believes in healing and art. And me! Continue to spread the love and I am rooting for you!

---

Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: FEBRUARY 2020

WELCOME:

There are new faces here, and I wanted to say a special welcome and thank you for joining me here! In my monthly Journals, I share what inspiration, things that I’ve been doing, and thoughts on the past month. Hope it brings you inspiration and also a sense that you’re not alone. I find that those who join me are on the same journey and vibrations. If something sticks out to you or if you want to share with me what your thoughts and questions are, please always feel free to contact me!

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word of the month: patience

The universe is teaching me the valuable lesson of patience. This season is realizing how rushed I always feel. I feel rushed to be better, to grow, to heal, to know more, to change/undo/rewire faster. I talk about this in an interview I was part of hosted by Nisha Mody’s new podcast “MigrAsians.” So much of the desire to strive so hard is based on a capitalistic white supremest mindset: that if I try hard enough, work hard enough, I can be perfect. And the inverse is that if I don’t work really hard, I’m lacking and lazy.

I’m learning that healing doesn’t work under constraints of oppression (or doesn’t happen that effectively). Healing calls for me to be more self compassionate, patient, and understanding. It calls for curiosity of what is happening in my body. I’m noticing so much anxiousness, because I don’t see the results in “healing” that I am urgently expecting. Through so many people including Dr. Rosales Meza, I am lovingly reminded that over thinking and gritting my way through life is colonial. Liberation looks like patience in the journey of decolonization. The transition from surviving to thriving includes the shadow work of facing how deep the conditioning is - it’s grieving it too.

Together, let’s continually remind each other to be patient with ourselves as we heal.

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podcast:

migrasions by Nisha Mody

I’m so honored to have created the cover of this podcast AND be interviewed on it!

This is MigrAsian’s description: MigrAsians is a podcast about creative and political Asians and how their story of migration informs their work. The Asian diaspora runs far and wide, as does Asian immigration history. All of this has birthed the model minority myth as well as a myriad of stereotypes that don't consider nuance or the vastness of this continent. Meet artists, activists, writers, advocates, and other creatives and politicos that are deeply affected by their path of immigration.

So dreamy right? Please check out the podcast and the episode that I’m on. I talk about my creative process, things I’m currently learning, my relationship with time and perfectionism. I really enjoyed talking to Nisha, and I think you’ll enjoy listening to it too! Also, support MigrAsians on Patreon!

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Book:

Currently reading Emergent Strategy by Adrienne Maree Brown. Last year I read Pleasure Activism by Brown, and it will hold special to me for the rest of my life. As I suspected, I’m already crying in the intro. The words pierces my heart and resonates in my soul. Read this quote:

Also, THIS FOOTNOTE!!

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day of remembrance:

I went Day of Remembrance at the Chicago History Museum, where there was a program to commemorate the Japanese Americans who were incarcerated during WWII. It started with the showing of the documentary “ALTERNATIVE FACTS: THE LIES OF EXECUTIVE ORDER 9066,” an interview with the director, and ended with homemade snacks at the reception. This is the synopsis of the film:

“ALTERNATIVE FACTS: The Lies of Executive Order 9066 is a one-hour documentary feature film about the false information and political influences which led to the World War II incarceration of Japanese Americans.
​
ALTERNATIVE FACTS sheds light on the people and politics that influenced the signing of the infamous Executive Order 9066, which authorized the mass incarceration of nearly 120,000 Japanese Americans. The film exposes the lies used to justify the decision and the cover-up that went all the way to the United States Supreme Court. ALTERNATIVE FACTS will also examine the parallels to the current climate of fear, targeting of immigrant communities, and similar attempts to abuse the powers of the government. ”

I appreciated the documentary so much because it not only tells the truth of the deceitful things that government officials did, but it shows how the same thing has happened since then and are happening now. The Muslim Ban. The incarceration of undocumented immigrants - families separated - kids in cages. This is the time where we can stand up for one another and demand justice. I was struck by learning that during that time when Japanese Americans were in the prison camps, no one protested and marched for them. I love how the Japanese community is organizing together saying #NeverAgainIsNow #CloseTheCamps, and we should join them. Communities of color advocating for each other fills me with so much hope!

Support Tsuru for Solidarity and Jas for Justice

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this prase:

I shared this on ig

“Not a big deal”

Black and Brown folx, how many times have you thought that about your own experiences? It's that kind of thinking that says what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. ACTUALLY what doesn't kill you doesn't always make you stronger.

When I was in therapy for the first time in 2011, talking about why I didn't think "it was a big deal" took up the majority of the time. My therapist walked me through observing why I have to quantify it. Then fast forward to 2019, while I made tremendous strides in healing - that same conversation happened! (And that’s ok because healing is a process and isn’t linear).

I'm learning that undermining our own trauma (personal, inter generational, collective) is a way to cope and survive. As all my recent conversations with friends go...I'm interested in more than surviving - I'm invested in thriving. Colonization wants us to undermine our trauma and grief, because "there are always people who have it worse." Which is totally true! But collective liberation means that the small and big movements that we do to healing and nourish ourselves WILL affect the greater community and future generations.

I want to commit to self compassionately catch myself from saying "it's not a big deal." And acknowledge feelings and root causes/wounds.

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good company:

A snapshot shot of the yummy food Al Kelly and I consumed at Lost Larson

This month was full of good food and company. I was brought up in a household where eating together and enjoying quality food was a priority, and since I’ve been living alone for 4+ years, I’ve forgotten how important it is. I’ve spent so many meals where I just eat to eat, and I’m not even tasting what I’m eating! Horrible I know! But February reminded me how nourishing it is to laugh, talk, and TASTE with friends. I write so much about radical BIPOC JOY, and eating with friends and loved ones is such a big part of it. It’s healing! I will be actively making this happen much more.

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my new project:

SO THIS. This is something that’s dear to my heart and felt very vulnerable to announce! It is my Guide to Healing through Art for Black and Brown Folx. If you’re here, you probably know about it already and there are plenty of information on Patreon and also on IG. But what I will write about is how it feels so far to have it started: it feels aligned to what I believe in. I believe in collective healing, power of creating, prioritizing BIPOC, the importance of being embodied, and that liberation can be experienced in real tangible ways. It’s exciting to have already 12 people join me on this endeavor!

What I need more: white friends and allies to sign up for the tiers where more BIPOC can have access to the guide for $1 (Patreon doesn’t allow a free tier.) Paying me or other BIPOC is anti racism work. It is easy to talk and buying more books to keep on learning (which is great), but where your real life resources $$$$ goes is a HUGE part of the work. So help me spread the word, and make this guide available to all BIPOC.

And for Black and Brown folks who are signed up, I am so excited!! Please let me know what your experience is and I welcome all your thoughts and questions. We are in this together.

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Workshops:

I taught two workshops in February! And it reminded me of how much I enjoy leading people to play and do something that nourishes them - with no agenda. Hoping to line up more workshops in the next couple of months. If you know a company that would be interested in providing a painting workshop for their teams or clients, let me know!

---

Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: JANUARY 2020

NEW BEGINNINGS:

I saw this meme that said “We are 5 months into 2020 and it’s still January.” Haha! It’s so accurate, right??

A couple new things for Patreon: First, I’m changing this blog to be monthly journals, because I feel like it’s more accurate than calling it monthly inspirations. Second, I’m working on two new tiers that will involve hands on art direction for you. I’m really excited about this, and I hope you will be too!

I feel my creative energy creeping back, and I can’t wait to share more life giving energy with you.

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escape to the sun:

My dear friend Alex and I went to Mexico (we mostly spent our time in Akumal) for a week, and it was magical. We got to hangout with my friends Matt, Stevi, and kids out there, which was so amazing to be with them and also to have hosts who can show us the best spots. My highlight is when we went to the beach and just spent a couple of hours in the water. On that day, the waves were pretty big, and it felt AMAZING to feel the strength of the sea and move with it. I felt my anxiety melt away with each wave. I felt the tension in my shoulders and neck relax. I felt the healing elements of the sea prompting me to receive.

On one of the days, Alex and I went on a road trip to the Coba Ruins and then to a little town called Valladalid. Coba was so much fun, because not only did we climb this amazing pyramid, but the person who biked us around taught us some phrases in Mayan (their family spoke Mayan!). After Coba, we explored Valladalid, where we first rushed (it just started raining) into this little restaurant where they specialized Mayan food. It was really enjoyable to have no specific agenda during this day and really the whole trip!

There was SO MUCH LAUGHTER on this trip, and I will always cherish all the jokes and scenarios that Alex and I made up. That’s something I want more: more laughing - the kind that you’re bending over with tears running down your face laughing. YES that kind of joy is healing and liberating!

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intuition vs trauma response:

I posted this on Instagram this month:

”Who else is learning to differentiate the two?

I believe that just as intergenerational trauma is so real, intergenerational wisdom is also. We hold in our bodies intuition that expands way beyond our generation, and as I'm listening and asking ancestors sometimes I get confused. Because breaking from toxic cycles is uncomfortable and can be so painful. And staying in those cycles can feel comforting in a way.

Something I've observed is identifying within me are the different energies between the two. It seems that when the energy is tight and anxious, it's usually an indicator it is a trauma response. If it feels open and willing to give/recieve even if it's difficult or painful, it most likely is from true intuition. At the bottom of it, it will come from the belief that I trust that I am worthy of good things.

How do you separate the two? I want to hear from my you! BIPOC, write me your thoughts.”

Go to the INSTAGRAM POST, because the comments are so good!

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Books:

Currently reading Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok, and I’m really really enjoying it.

“From the author of Searching for Sylvie Lee, the iconic, New York Times-bestselling debut novel that introduced an important Chinese-American voice with an inspiring story of an immigrant girl forced to choose between two worlds and two futures.

When Kimberly Chang and her mother emigrate from Hong Kong to Brooklyn squalor, she quickly begins a secret double life: exceptional schoolgirl during the day, Chinatown sweatshop worker in the evenings. Disguising the more difficult truths of her life—like the staggering degree of her poverty, the weight of her family’s future resting on her shoulders, or her secret love for a factory boy who shares none of her talent or ambition—Kimberly learns to constantly translate not just her language but herself back and forth between the worlds she straddles.

Through Kimberly’s story, author Jean Kwok, who also emigrated from Hong Kong as a young girl, brings to the page the lives of countless immigrants who are caught between the pressure to succeed in America, their duty to their family, and their own personal desires, exposing a world that we rarely hear about. Written in an indelible voice that dramatizes the tensions of an immigrant girl growing up between two cultures, surrounded by a language and world only half understood, Girl in Translation is an unforgettable and classic novel of an American immigrant-a moving tale of hardship and triumph, heartbreak and love, and all that gets lost in translation.”

I’m also reading A Burst of Light and Other Essays by Audre Lorde, and soaking in all the wisdom and beauty.

““The self-described black feminist lesbian mother poet used a mixture of prose, theory, poetry, and experience to interrogate oppressions and uplift marginalized communities. She was one of the first black feminists to target heteronormativity, and to encourage black feminists to expand their understanding of erotic pleasure. She amplified anti-oppression, even as breast cancer ravaged her ailing body.” — Evette Dionne, Bustle Magazine
Winner of the 1988 Before Columbus Foundation National Book Award, this path-breaking collection of essays is a clarion call to build communities that nurture our spirit. Lorde announces the need for a radical politics of intersectionality while struggling to maintain her own faith as she wages a battle against liver cancer. From reflections on her struggle with the disease to thoughts on lesbian sexuality and African-American identity in a straight white man’s world, Lorde’s voice remains enduringly relevant in today’s political landscape.
Those who practice and encourage social justice activism frequently quote her exhortation, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” In addition to the journal entries of “A Burst of Light: Living with Cancer,” this edition includes an interview, “Sadomasochism: Not About Condemnation,” and three essays, “I Am Your Sister: Black Women Organizing Across Sexualities,” “Apartheid U.S.A.,” and “Turning the Beat Around: Lesbian Parenting 1986,” as well as a new Foreword by Sonia Sanchez.
”You don’t read Audre Lorde, you feel her.” — Essence
”When I don’t know what to do, I turn to the Lorde.” — Alexis Pauline Gumbs, Bitch Media
”Whenever my mind is heavy with questions and my heart thirsts for nourishment, I turn to the writing of Audre Lorde. Every time I revisit the words of Audre Lorde, I marvel over how relevant they continue to be.” — AfterEllen.com”

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Music:

I discovered this artist only within the past week, but I’ve listened to THIS ALBUM and to THIS SINGLE probably a thousand times.

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fear of crying forever:

Part two of the instagram post that I shared earlier

In the last post, we discussed how to differentiate intuition from trauma response. For me a big part of this process is identifying how racism and internal oppression plays a major role in this. We (BIPOC) are conditioned to silence our intuition, needs, desires, and hopes. And many of the times it feels like we HAVE to out of survival. Going against the grain aka decolonizing work will cost and it sometimes feels worse to admit what reality is. But denying ourselves of the wisdom that is in our bodies will take a toll too - a much bigger one.

Something that's a continually theme for me is how rare it is for me to cry for myself. Granted, I cry alot actually! It's easy to cry about other people and things. But I feel like if I started to cry for myself, I'll never stop. And who has time for that?? There's years and years of build up and with every day I see more things to grieve.

But that's part of the process. That's the work needed to tap into my intuition. Giving myself that space to cry and grieve if and when I want to. Nurturing my inner child compassionately and patiently.

Sometimes it's showing up big and ready to use my voice. (I took this photo at the end of 2019, and realized that that's how I like to show up - strong and able to do everything on my own 🙈). And other times it's being soft and allowing myself to feel all the feels - for me, I think that's the piece where I'm invited to grow more in.

Anyone resonate? How do you create healing for your intution to come through?

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art practice:

This month I’ve been practicing PLAY in my art process. I realized there was this building sense of self made pressure…that I needed to say something so profound in each piece, that I needed to show up in a way that would be revolutionary, that I needed to prove to myself I can do something that is undoubtably worthwhile and full of worth…etc. It was basically a lot of unkempt fear. I lost a bit of how I started painting in the first place, which is out of play and curiosity. There wasn’t any agenda other than to enjoy.

So January was a good time to reset and warm myself back up to painting in a way that is truly liberating, radical, and healing. It happens when I am self compassionate, patient, curious curious of blocks. THAT is revolutionary. I have to say that I’m still feeling very rusty, but I see little moments of joy and play. Maybe you are feeling similarly, and you need to hear that it’s ok that some of that spark is gone. It will not be forever. It might be time to sharpen what the goal is and how to define success.

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Thank you

for supporting me! excited to share new patreon goodies soon!

DECEMBER INSPIRATION

Ending of a decade:

I CANNOT BELIEVE WE MADE IT TO 2020!!!! I will never forget ending 2019 and this past decade. I’ve changed and grown so much, and it makes me emotional thinking about how many challenges were overcome. I want to THANK YOU for being part of it. Having people support me here on Patreon has been so encouraging and tangibly helpful. I was able to pay most of therapy this year because of Patreon. Having mental health support was crucial in my growth in 2019, and it makes me excited to continue on healing in the new year.

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Poem:

In December, I got a jolt of energy calling me to write poetry again - and I honored it. Sometimes I don't, because my ego tries to protect me by telling me that it's not worth being vulnerable. But something I'm trying to practice is talking compassionately back to my ego, and say that I'm safe and that it's ok to take risks. The following is part two of the visualization I shared in October.

They are calling

I was meant to more than survive
And to just get by
I was meant to soar to fly
To dig my roots in and rise
Rise and fill the sky
Basking in the sun in the moon light
Breathing in the rich soil beneath my feet
Opening my palms up to recieve
Because I am the answer to my 
Ancestors prayers
Prayers of healing of joy of liberation
Prayers of cycles being broken
Prayers of honor and celebration
Prayers of body and soul unification
I hear them calling saying its time
Time to lift those brown eyes
Time to rise and fill the sky

TW

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REclaiming Wholeness:

From birth, I’ve been conditioned to view myself as fragments. Broken pieces. Something that can be fixed with the right elements: religion, knowledge, determination, a husband, more hard work, more grit, the perfect mentor or therapist, and more focus.

2020 is an invitation for me to reclaim something I’ve had this entire time! I don’t need to search for it. I don’t need to try harder. The invitation is to reclaim that I was and am and will be whole. Complete! Relationships, healing, growing, learning is something I can go into with JOY. Not because I need to be whole, but because it’s good to change, move, be loved, and to love. All of those things can be incredibly painful, but it doesn’t hinge on my worthiness as a human. Thank goodness!! As we all are reflecting on this past decade, maybe you can relate to this. This is #decolonization.

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Book:

THIS BOOK. It’s this simple, beautiful, trauma-informed, somatic workbook that was a breath of fresh air. It wasn’t super heady, but it was insightful and inspirational. Perfect to end the year with.

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Music:

I watched Raveen’s Tiny Desk Concert and fell in love with her.

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The water:

Denying myself

I've been thinking alot about how often I have dishonored my body/mind/soul/needs by denying myself of [fill in the blank]. How many times have you been told to deny yourself? (I'm looking at all the people who grew up Christian/Catholic. And how many times have you heard that from white people? That's for a whole other post).

The day after Christmas when it was 60 degrees here in Chicago, I went to Lake Michigan (swipe to see photos), because I realized some of my most embodied and joyful moments in 2019 was when I was in or by water. And as I was listening to @raveena_aurora, I looked to my right and I saw someone walk up to the water alone - clearly pondering and enjoying the water in a unhurried way. And I looked to my left - 15 feet away another person was sitting peacefully looking at the water deep in thought. I was struck by this moment as all three of us were called by the water, honored that calling, and took time to go to it alone. We were individually and together absorbing the healing power of the water. Unrushed.

Nothing dramatic happened, but that moment filled me with so much hope and joy. I want more of it in 2020! More honoring the calling of healing, self compassion, boundaries, pleasure, and joy. More collective healing. I also want a healthier relationship with my ego - one that honors it, thanks it, but grounds it in a secure narrative.

Society demands that Black and Brown people deny our needs and healing. Decolonization is actively resisting that default.

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Learning something new:

I went to my first macrame workshop and made this cute planter! The class was taught by Kenyatta from Urban Macrame Fibers, who did an AMAZING job. It was really fun, and I met some incredible people too.

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top 10 books of 2019:

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wedding:

My dear friend Lauren got married to my other dear friend Colin! My heart was bursting seeing their love and everyone around them surrounding them with so much joy!

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Creativity:

Something that I’ve noticed is that my creative energy at the end of 2019 was very minimal, and it was because my energy as a whole was spent on a lot of other necessary things. I said goodbye to people, communities, organizations, and all of that needed my attention and my energy to grieve. It was a good opportunity for me to be ok with my creative energy being down, because how could it not be? Practicing self compassion and patience is key to my healing. It’s super new, but I’m starting to see how important it is! Now that I’m a couple days into the new year, I can sense a feeling of restoration and creative energy. I’m sure that more things will come my way that would demand my energy, but for now I’m going to focus on the present. So thankful for these moments of reflection, and I’m so thankful to share it with you!

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Thank you

for supporting me this year! I appreciate you so much, and I’m looking forward to 2020 and sharing much more with you!

NOVEMBER INSPIRATION

Priorities:

It’s December 14 as I’m writing this, and I have all the feels. My neck, shoulders, and lower back are really tight and painful from hypervigilence (learning a lot of this with my friend Brit) of being ready to be braced for things to not work out or be affronted by people’s racism/ignorance/etc. I’ve taken a step back from pumping out instagram content and producing art making space for more rest. And it feels good to give myself permission to do that!

The end of the year always beckons me to take inventory of the year and to set intentions for the new year. This year it is a lot of grieving of what shouldn’t be, but also a healthier awareness of how to interact with reality and how to heal with patience and grace. Being trauma informed allows me to interact with myself with so much more compassion, and that already feels so much more freeing. Thinking back on the year, I am so thankful to learn the importance of prioritizing my holistic wellness above all else. It really is true that being able to serve the community starts with believing in my own worth. It’s easy to write and talk about how important it is to value Black and Brown bodies - but to actually prioritize my own brown body is very very difficult. Now that the end of the year is quickly approaching, I am so excited to continue on this journey that is trauma informed, inner child nurturing, Black and brown human prioritizing, and joy filled.

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trip home:

In November I went home for a couple of days for my niece’s birthday! It was SO GOOD to be back in California and with family. LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

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Being critical vs negative

Being critical vs negative

Talking about BIPOC healing, it is NEEDED to be able to see things through the lens of decolonization and also be able to express it. I believe that seeing the world through that len's is not only necessary for BIPOC but it is for white people too! But what happens alot is that people who aren't there in terms of decolonization/antiracism/antibias - will percieve the decolonized POV as too negative. As too much. Too indulgent. Too unloving. Too harsh. Too one sided. Too uncompassionate.

And what I have to say is: THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF WHITE SUPREMACY. To tell BIPOC that how we see through the system, our interactions, how society structures influence literally everything - is too negative...that's erasing black and brown voices and bodies. We are ALL responsible to be critical when we ingest media or anything, when we vote, when we approach authorities, etc. The only reason why you wouldn't want to or don't is 1) privilege or/and 2) self oppression - BIPOC.

Being critical in advocating for a decolonized world is the opposite of negative. It takes radical imagination that there is hope for things being different both in our life time and for the future generations. It takes a soul/heart/mind/body that believes that individual and communal healing can lead to liberation. It takes the purest form of love to fight for a reality that includes thriving for all.

And the thing is (@alkellypoetry and I talk about this ALL the time) we want to be able to enjoy movies, museums, books, events without having to be disappointed or risk being traumatized by it. What a dream it would be to move in the world without having to be interrupted all the time by white Supremacy/patriarchy.
……….
#TWintersectionalfridays: Space to explore intersections of identity and systems of oppression. Space to tell your story. Space to listen. Every Friday of 2019. // Week 43/52. “Critical”

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Book:

Fledgling by Octavia E. Bulter

OCTAVIA BULTER!! The queen of afro futurism imagination. Excited to read many more books by her.

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Art + healing workshop:

I taught a watercolor workshop in collaboration with The University of Chicago Medicine and The Village and Brothers Health Collective for a series they put on called Art + Healing. They provided free HIV screening and paid research surveys geared towards Black and Latinx LCBQ and TGNC folks. Even though there weren’t many people who could make it, I walked away SO energized. The conversations I had with the staff and the participants were really life giving. Whenever I get to talk about healing, pleasure activism, ancestry, decolonized literature, and people’s journeys with BIPOC - I basically feel like I could explode out of happiness. I’m so thankful that especially in the recent couple months, these kinds of interactions are becoming more and more the norm. The more aligned I am to what is authentic and to my higher self, the more people who are also doing

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I used to think…:

Why do Black and brown people keep to themselves? Isn’t the goal to have a community that is a confetti of all the colors? Shouldn’t multiethnic/multicultural/diverse communities be the ultimate goal?

Little did I know that I was coming from colonial brainwashed place. Little did I know that the present reality isn’t close to actualizing the ideal of an equitable world. Little did I know that those questions were used to support white complacency aka violence. Little did I know that I was conditioned to think that a multi cultural/ethnic/diverse room was the goal, but only to my own and BIPOC's own demise. Little did I know that I needed to make myself small and smile through everything in order to keep to that goal. Little did I know that the knot in my gut was my body/soul telling me that something was wrong. Little did I know that it would take my self erasure to meet that goal.

But now I know. And now I get to be all of me - the too much me - the too big me - the too loud me - the too sure me - the Chinese me.

Until I see actions that are held accountable and there is an active dismantling of white supremacy and patriarchy, don't count me in.

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Article:

I said to my body…

by Brit cooper robinson

My dear friend wrote this article about her journey with her body, trauma, and chronic pain. We have had innumerable conversations about this healing journey, and I’ve benefited so much from her insight and having someone to talk to someone about all of these things is incredibly healing in itself. Another important part of our relationship is that her decolonization antiracism work is active, and in having these conversations it’s crucial since everything I experience is informed by being a woman of color.

“Just like I was determined to disqualify myself from the stamp of chronic pain, I thought I had managed to distance myself from that other word…trauma. I had lived through bad, even scary, things but I could always point to someone else who experienced worse. Surely that meant my experiences didn’t count. “Don’t complain,” “be strong,” “push through,” were the messages of my upbringing and so that’s what I did. I found ways to distract myself from the crippling fears, developed tricks for coping with the triggers and employed subtle gimmicks to hide the panic regularly pounding through my chest. In the process I had grown to view my body as the enemy. It was something to fight, suppress and command. I thought I had outsmarted my body, but all I had done was become adept at ignoring it.”

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Jamila woods - legacy! legacy! tour:

If you haven’t heard Jamila Wood’s new album “LEGACY! LEGACY!” yet, you have to! I went to her show, and it was one of the most stunning concerts I’ve been to. It was all about people who have left a legacy that she has drawn inspiration from in her life - people like Nikki Giovanni, Frida Kalo, Octavia Butler, and Basquiat. There were interview that were shown, live dance solos, poetry, spoken word. It was so inspiring!! It made me remember why I do what I do and why I have to do it boldly. I left the performance energized and motivated to continue in my and our collective liberation.

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Looking into the new year:

2020 is around the corner, and as I’m thinking about the intentions for the new year, I’m noticing a clear sense of exhaustion. It’s been awhile since I’ve been so ready for the year to be over, and I feel really tired. I don’t feel a rush of new energy sending me into 2020, but this is what I do know: my intentions I set for my 30th birthday still resonate a lot. And here it is:

1 . JOY. I want: radical joy and pleasure. Joy is the last thing this capitalistic/whitesupremist/patriarchal society wants me - wants us - to have and embody. And in 2020, I want to INVEST in having and embodying reckless joy. This means believing that I actually deserve to experience joy. This also means believing that joy can also exist in seasons of grief, sadness, and anger. Joy can be experienced while fighting for justice. It all sounds very foreign to me, but in 2020 I’m going to be well acquainted with it! At this point, I don’t know exactly how it’s going to happen, but I will find out!

2 - HONOR. I want to move away from the belief that I'm alone and completely independent - the blood that courses through my veins is not my own. I want to honor what has come before me as an act of decolonization and liberation! White Supremacy / colonization wants me to stay far far away from my ancestors, my culture, my language, and in this next decade I want to see myself as an extension of my people. In 2020, I will be doing a deep dive into connecting with my ancestors that are supporting me. I’m going to make an altar and have a daily ritual to remember and to draw energy from. As I’m writing this, I’m getting excited to continue on this journey! As Dr. Rosales Meza wrote in one of her posts, I am the answer to my ancestors prayers.

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Thank you

for supporting me this year! I appreciate you so much, and I’m looking forward to next year and sharing much more with you!

OCTOBER INSPIRATION

Preaching to myself:

At the beginning to September I wrote the following two excerpts on Instagram, and reading it back just now made me tear up. I didn’t know what was in store for me. It was like I wrote this to my future self in preparation. This reminds me that the fight for a more peaceful and loving internal and external world requires DAILY investment. It requires us to have razor sharp focus to what we are prioritizing. The reason why I felt like I held my ground this month is because I’ve been preaching to myself every day about my worth, my healing, and the hope I have lies in decolonization. I preach this every day, but do I believe it or practice it all the time? Most definitely not. But I have people around me - voices speaking to me - that remind me of truth. Truth that I am not alone, and that it is not selfish or too much to prioritize BIPOC voices and bodies. My goal for my life, art, this platform is to use it to remind myself and the people I reach about this. Here are the two excerpts:

Finding refuge:

Where do you go to rest? Who do have to find comfort? And how do you prioritize these two things?

BIPOC are trained to think that we don't deserve these two things. We are told that we owe it to ourselves and to white people to spend all of our emotional/physical/mental/spiritual energy on helping them "get it." And white people are trained to take everything from BIPOC.

BIPOC, how can we resist? What's unjust is that we need to SPEND MORE ENERGY in fighting for rest and refuge. But it's necessary and it's about the long haul! We are in it together. 

Week 36 of #TWintersectionalfridays:

When I do my talk throughs for this project, by the time I’m done and have written it out for the post, I’m EXHAUSTED. So much so I usually need to nap, because I could feel that headache coming on - the kind where you spend alot much energy in a short amount of time. Even though it zaps my energy, I LOVE it and would choose to spend my energy most days. It heals me to talk about things I care about and it also connects me to you.

So when I woke up this morning, I decided that I didn’t feel like spending that kind of energy today. So I’m not! It seems simple, but it’s not - for me.

I’ve denied my Spirit (as @dr.rosalesmeza would say) so much - and I’m practicing to be more in tuned with myself and ancestral wisdom. But it’s not natural yet. I’ve been taught by society to make decisions with the sole purpose to proving to others and myself that I’m “successful” under capitalism and white supremacy. So to decide to rest and not do what I set out to do is really really difficult. I’m confronted by feelings of guilt and embarrassment, because resting equates to laziness according to our societal values.

But THIS is the healing work. And it’s in real time! What an honor it is to work on redefining success and to rewire ways of being. BIPOC healing is in the every day. It’s in the big movements of speaking up publicly and it’s also in the small movements of taking a nap.

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Intersectional Friday update:

Intersectional Fridays has been such a ride so far. In the past few months I’ve come to realization of spaces where I want to practice what I’m preaching. Particularly, this project has given me opportunities to prioritize my own wellness/mental health over productivity and self made commitments. Over the past 6 years of projects, I have NEVER given myself a break during it. I’ve always done things every single week for 53 weeks. This is the first year where I have taken breaks on weeks that it would seriously stress me out to make it happen. I also gave myself permission to move it from Friday to Saturday, because logistics were getting too impossible. This all might seem pretty minute, but for me it’s HUGE. I’m trained to ascribe my value to capitalistic/colonial definitions of productivity and success. Retraining my being in this is uncomfortable, but it’s needed. And I’m thankful for it.

________________________________________________________________________________

This is what I wrote for week 41, which really resonated with the IG community:

Today is week 41 of #TWintersectionalfridays! Its Saturday again, and it might be for awhile - because there’s really intense construction outside of my studio M-F. So today I’m going to talk about something that I commonly hear: Justice work is niche, a calling, a passion for some people. Watch my insastories or Highlight (Friday 41) - the following is a basically a dictation of what I said there.

There are many versions of basically the same thing that I hear being said: it is awesome that you’re doing this work because it’s YOUR thing - and everyone has their thing - and justice work just happens to be yours. My perception of its implications is that I have this justice skill set/niche that’s for me and not other people. And it makes me furious, because being able to see people’s worth, to make sure that systems and people acknowledge that worth ISN’T NICHE. IT ISN’T A CALLNG. Showing up for our neighbors, owning and working through implicit/explicit bias/racism, dismantling patriarchy/white supremacy/capitalism, decolonization ISN’T NICHE. IT ISN’T A CALLING.

All of those things are: basic human decency and we have a responsibility to ourselves and others to do our part, because we have HOPE for a better future.

When I hear that it’s a calling or a specific skill set to do justice work, it usually is an indulgence of privilege. White people can turn a blind eye and not really feel a difference. I have more to say about that another time - because it’s not really in their favor to do that.

So here are some things that are niche/calling/passion/skillset: painting, poetry, music, working in the education system, academia, therapy, tech, social media, etc. But the thing is: justice work can be done anywhere, with every skillset, in any sphere of influence, by anyone. Don’t box in basic human decency in or determine who gets to do it or not. We ALL need to be in it and practicing it daily.

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Aoki fundraiser:

As many of you know, I’m part of the AOKI team. At the beginning of October, we put on our fall fundraiser! Make sure to follow AOKI on INSTAGRAM to learn more about the artists that were featured in this event. This fundraiser was SO inspiring to me. All the art and artists that were involved reminded me about the power of storytelling + art. Honored to have put this event on with the team, and sadly it will be my last. I’m leaving this beautiful non profit at the end of this year. Main reason is just to be open to new beginnings! So thankful for my 3+ years with AOKI!

Photos by Abigail Jackson

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Art process - click here to watch

I made this piece for the AOKI Auction Wall

My AOKI art statement: “I am inspired by the value "Interrupt." My piece is about finding grounding and purpose in my life through constant interruption + disruption of internal and external oppression as a woman of color. Through the interruption, disruption, and dismantling, I can find true peace and joy that is radical. This coming into is not only liberating to me as an individual, but it is expansive - interrupting and uplifting the broader community.”

Then, I decided to explore this concept. The first thing that I wanted to lay down is the rusty red half oval shape. I’ve been really draw to this shape, because it feels very grounding but this time it reminds me of ancestry/saints/halo/homage. Grounding goes so much farther than my grounding - it extends far further than I can see and I have a long line of ancestors that I pull from. There is JOY in that grounding. There is Peace in decolonization. There is Liberation in allowing myself to draw from these places.

Interruption from the norm is uncomfortable and painful most of the time, but seeing white supremacy and systems of oppression is the kind of disruption I want. We are constantly interrupted in life, but what kind of interruption are we intentionally inviting in. Breaking free colonizing is disrupting, healing, and liberating all at the same time. Those shards of interruptions don’t touch my core grounding.

That grounding comes from a lineage far behind me, AND the healing that I am currently experiencing will go far out before me. Those movements of joy and liberation are infinite! I love to paint to the edges of the paper, because I imagine it going on forever and taking on different forms.

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Books:

Pleasure Activism by Adrienne Maree Brown. I finished this book, and I will always treasure it. This is something I wrote about one of the essays:

I just read @amitaswadhin essay in Pleasure Activism by @adriennemareebrown and it wrecked me. Isn’t it amazing how reading and listening to certain things at the exactly perfect time can be such a transcendent experience? Just yesterday I was thinking about this and it aligns with what I just read:

Do I believe that there is something within me that I can run towards that is infinitely worthy, beautiful, and glorious?

I find myself constantly having to look at my inner child and remind myself to have so much compassion. Compassion towards coping mechanisms and ways to make sense of the world and myself under white supremacy/patriarchy/capitalism. Now that I am further in my healing process, I’m learning how to decipher between true joy/pleasure vs. self numbing/self escape.

Self numbing is a mirage. Escape from reality is a lie.

Sometimes I feel like that numbing or escape feels like its our only option - we are all resilient humans who are meant to survive. There is so much patience and compassion for that. But there is a source of power, and it's in us. It’s in me!

Pleasure and joy are rooted in the reality of the present.

Are you with me?? There’s something in REALITY that is safe and beautiful and glorious and it’s readily accessible to all of us. My question to myself is what would it look like to experience thrill/joy/pleasure as an extension and not distraction of myself.

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visualization:

Over the years, I’ve learned and am continually learning about tools to self heal and to heal communally. Here is something that is helpful for me to pull out of my tool kit, and to know it is always accessible for me.

I want to share a visualization that I do when I feel like I’m going to lose my grounding. When I feel gaslit by myself or others. When I feel unsure of my mission.

I imagine this: that my being extends through my feet like strong roots through the ground, through the soil, through to the core of the earth. And I imagine that my face and heart rise up really high filling the sky. And there’s a soft smile on my face because I know that I am full of worth, deserve to love and be loved well, and my purpose is to thrive and in doing so support others in it too.

I know that systems of oppression will tell BIPOC that it is selfish to take up space and to actually know our worth. So the act of living into the TRUTH of our dignity is radical resistance.

Prioritizing our wellness through BIPOC JOY/decolonization/transformative justice isn’t selfish.

BIPOC: What are techniques that you use when you feel shaky?

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Chicago Teacher’s strike:

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Something new:

Artwise, I feel something new simmering. I don’t know what it is or how different it will be, but I know it’s around the corner. Currently, I feel like I’m at a stand still. It’s a good opportunity for me to hold space for myself and not to rush. If you’re also feeling a creative block, I encourage you to be patient and curious about it. Sometimes new things are birthed from times like these!

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Thank you

I appreciate you and your support!

SEPTEMBER INSPIRATION

Preaching to myself:

At the beginning to September I wrote the following two excerpts on Instagram, and reading it back just now made me tear up. I didn’t know what was in store for me. It was like I wrote this to my future self in preparation. This reminds me that the fight for a more peaceful and loving internal and external world requires DAILY investment. It requires us to have razor sharp focus to what we are prioritizing. The reason why I felt like I held my ground this month is because I’ve been preaching to myself every day about my worth, my healing, and the hope I have lies in decolonization. I preach this every day, but do I believe it or practice it all the time? Most definitely not. But I have people around me - voices speaking to me - that remind me of truth. Truth that I am not alone, and that it is not selfish or too much to prioritize BIPOC voices and bodies. My goal for my life, art, this platform is to use it to remind myself and the people I reach about this. Here are the two excerpts:

Finding refuge:

Where do you go to rest? Who do have to find comfort? And how do you prioritize these two things?

BIPOC are trained to think that we don't deserve these two things. We are told that we owe it to ourselves and to white people to spend all of our emotional/physical/mental/spiritual energy on helping them "get it." And white people are trained to take everything from BIPOC.

BIPOC, how can we resist? What's unjust is that we need to SPEND MORE ENERGY in fighting for rest and refuge. But it's necessary and it's about the long haul! We are in it together. 

Week 36 of #TWintersectionalfridays:

When I do my talk throughs for this project, by the time I’m done and have written it out for the post, I’m EXHAUSTED. So much so I usually need to nap, because I could feel that headache coming on - the kind where you spend alot much energy in a short amount of time. Even though it zaps my energy, I LOVE it and would choose to spend my energy most days. It heals me to talk about things I care about and it also connects me to you.

So when I woke up this morning, I decided that I didn’t feel like spending that kind of energy today. So I’m not! It seems simple, but it’s not - for me.

I’ve denied my Spirit (as @dr.rosalesmeza would say) so much - and I’m practicing to be more in tuned with myself and ancestral wisdom. But it’s not natural yet. I’ve been taught by society to make decisions with the sole purpose to proving to others and myself that I’m “successful” under capitalism and white supremacy. So to decide to rest and not do what I set out to do is really really difficult. I’m confronted by feelings of guilt and embarrassment, because resting equates to laziness according to our societal values.

But THIS is the healing work. And it’s in real time! What an honor it is to work on redefining success and to rewire ways of being. BIPOC healing is in the every day. It’s in the big movements of speaking up publicly and it’s also in the small movements of taking a nap.

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IGTV:

Something new I tried out this month is making IGTV’s instead of instastories for #TWintersectionalfridays. Here are the four IGTV’s that I made:

Art process talk through and demo: PART 1 + PART 2

BIPOC JOY and being open to the surprise of it: MORE JOY

Hyperlapse art process that I made for AOKI: WATCH

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performances:

Talking so much about joy, I’ve been asking myself what brings me joy. And this month I’ve come to a couple realizations of what brings me joy, energy, inspiration, motivation, and heart-fullness. One of them is through performance art - I went to two plays that gave me all the feels and was food to my soul.

Wind Our Sails

The first was “Wind in Our Sails” a ICAH (Illinois Caucus fro Adolescent Health) fundraiser performance featuring my dear friend, Alex Kelly. The play reading was about reproductive rights via a story of a high schooler. The play moved me deeply. The performance and storytelling was incredible, and when they invited the audience to participate in supporting the young person, the experience of unity and love will forever be with me. THIS is what art is for. It is for telling our stories. It is for changing people.

At the wake of a dead drag queen by terry guest

This was the second play I went to in September, and I had the same experience. I was filled with energy and it was healing to be witnessing such incredible art. The performance and writing was other worldly and so real and grounded. Terry Guest’s writing and performance was so moving - it expressed so many explicit and implicit dynamics of race, sexuality, gender expression, and love. It once again changed me. These two experiences of art reminds me to continue to invest in art like this. And to CREATE art like this. It may not be with the same techniques or mediums, but I want to make art that shakes people and fills them up with an invitation to change.

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Watch @hownottotravellikeabasicbitch’s IG HIGHLIGHT about this

Climate change Activism:

Something that we need to be vigilant about is to think critically and see when white supremacy sneaks up. While it is wonderful that Greta Thunberg is speaking out for the next generation and environmental accountability, she is not the only one. So many Black and brown people young and old have been speaking up for our world since the beginning of time. Just to name a few here are some. I appreciate Kiona from @hownottotravellikeabasicbitch lays it out - she points out that there are Indigenous people (Samit people) in Sweden (where Greta is from) that have been speaking out about this. WATCH KIONA’S IG HIGHLIGHT ABOUT THIS! And while you’re at it, make sure to support Kiona on Patreon.

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Books:

These are two books I’m currently reading:

Pleasure Activism by Adrienne Maree Brown. I already cried reading the intro. The premise of this book is refreshing, the language resonates so deeply, and it is EXACTLY what I need to hear and learn about. When things feel so heavy and unending, I need to learn how to not lose sight of pleasure and joy.

The Water Dancer by Ta-Nehisi Coates. I’ve always loved Ta-Nehisi Coates’ writing and lyricism, and I am enraptured by this narrative from the first sentence. As expected the story has many parallels with the present day of Black people in America.

Also, I am FINALLY done with The body keeps the score By Bessel van der Kolk. Wow it was a lot to absorb, and I’m glad that I made it to the end. If you haven't read it yet, it is WORTH IT. I learned so much about how trauma affects us holistically - how urgent it is to be on a path of healing, and how much hope there is. It also encouraged me about all the things that I’ve learned along the way that has helped me without me really knowing it such as meditation, mindfulness, music and art. The book also freed me from being so harsh on myself. There are so many reasons why it’s not as easy to will myself out of certain things and also how helpful coping mechanisms can be even if they may not be ideal. I’m leaving the book with more grace for myself and others. And I’m going to see everything through the lens of being trauma informed.

And I’m still reading Sapiens by Yuval Noah Hurari.

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Article:

calling out calling in

By grace anna

I love this article that points out what questions we need to ask when we see or enact call outs and call in’s. White supremacy is in the air that we all breathe. It pulls us all the gaslight and question Black and brown people. It ALWAYS uplifts whiteness and its privilege. It ALWAYS tells the lie that the “success” of white people is only possible withe Black and brown lives are oppressed. It tells all of us that there’s only room for one group of people. So we ALL need to ask ourselves, what are we defending?

“Is it bullying?
Is it contributing to cancel culture?
Is it ruinous?

Or
Is it accountability?
Is it that they were given every chance and copious feedback and were still harmful so now there should be repercussions?


How have some folks gotten so far retaining both power and ignorance?
How is it acceptable to claim that knowledge has escaped them at every opportunity and have that NOT be the grounds for relinquishing power?

How is it that when it comes to personal intersections, personal marginalizations, they can be emPOWERED to the point of expertise, but to recognize that same POWER in those who are marginalized where they hold power is beyond their ability?”

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Podcast:

Still processing

They are back!! And I’m LIVING FOR IT.

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Chanel Miller:

Chanel Miller. I am inspired by her in telling her story. As an Asian American woman, I am always looking out for role models and representation. She speaks for so many of us. I am so looking forward to reading her book “Know My Name.”

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artist - liz flores:

I got to visit Liz Flores in her studio on behalf of AOKI, and it was so inspiring to see her at work. She even inspired me to explore mural work! I love her work and its always so fun to see other visual artists in their process!

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Thank you

I appreciate you and your support!

AUGUST INSPIRATION

JOY + Honor:

My two words of the next year

I wrote the following at the beginning of August, which is my birthday month!

I feel like the 20’s is notorious for figuring out who you are and deconstructing belief systems, and mine really falls in line with it! So I’ve been thinking a lot this past month in what I want my next decade to look like, and I’m brimming with excitement to start constructing what I want. I’ve spent so much energy and time (necessarily so) into what I don’t want and what is oppressive - I’m not as familiar with what I can have hope FOR. One thing I do want to say is that deconstructing/reconstruction isn’t linear, because one thing I have learned is that life is nuanced. There is rarely anything that fits in the binary. Especially when it comes to healing and liberation - many things such as lament and joy needs to happen simultaneously.

In the next decade, two things that I’m excited to invest in: 1 - Joy and 2 - Honor.

1 . JOY. This has been a huge theme in this year especially in the IG BIPOC community. This is something I want: radical joy and pleasure. Joy is the last thing this capitalistic/whitesupremist/patriarchal society wants me - wants us - to have and embody. Because if we had radical joy, it would mean that we are tapping into our wholeness and self worth. And when we believe in our wholeness and worthiness, we will rise up together. When mourning for what is messed up is paired with joy and health, the FIGHT IS ON. That power is unstoppable. For all the talk of liberation, if I don’t embody joy and celebration for my brown history, body, and culture, who is liberated? I’m really done with a martyr mentality that centers white people.

2 - HONOR. At the @swarmrez , @sandraholla gave a beautiful tarot group reading, and one of my cards was prompting me to tap into the strength of my ancestors. Honor is an interesting word for me, because honor/shame culture leaves such a bitter taste in my mouth. But honor resonates with me now because I want to build from the intuition and wisdom that came before me. I want to move away from the belief that I'm alone and completely independent - the blood that courses through my veins is not my own. I want to honor what has come before me as an act of decolonization and liberation! White Supremacy / colonization wants me to stay far far away from my ancestors, my culture, my language, and in this next decade I want to see myself as an extension of my people. Talking about BIPOC power, imagine what dismantling white supremacy would mean if we had access to what has come before us!

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BIPOC JOY:

I wrote this at the end of the august, and I know it will resonate with me deeply for a long long time.

Why BIPOC joy?

Addressing intersectionality is really important to me, because I believe that BIPOC are stolen many basic human liberties through white supremest narrative of who we are and what we deserve. It is influenced by not only big systemic movement, but it also influences how we see ourselves via internal oppression. The white supremest narrative tells us that we aren’t worthy of shameless joy and we don’t have value compared to white people - and we need to earn and buy our right to joy and wellness (and obviously that’s just a trick.) So in our effort needs to be focused in healing and liberating ourselves from this narrative of ourselves and the world around us.

How can we embody BIPOC JOY?

Here a few ways I personally find helpful!
1. Breath work
Our breath is always with us, and when we view it us our friend + support, we can slow down our heart rate and lower our stress hormones, step into the present, and remind us of our embodied worth. Whether it’s through the strengthening of your meditation or yoga practice, breath work can be carried through to every moment of our lives. The work that @dr.rosalesmezaand @gutsygirlart reminds us the importance of decolonizing wellness. When we are present and mindful, we can much easier invite in joy. A meditation app that @alkellypoetryintroduced to me is called Liberate - it’s for BIPOC by BIPOC.

2. Learning/practicing to self talk with grace
First, it’s helpful to be informed of your own trauma and to acknowledge how your mind/body/soul has learned to cope. Then, something that I find helpful to tell myself goes something like this when I’m trying to make sense of something that doesn’t add up to what my mind thinks/believes: “I felt [emotion] and so I did ____, and of course that would be my reaction. I’ve been trained to ____. Let’s try together to remember our worth, and use [healthy coping technique] to anchor us when it happens again.” Or something like that! Anything to increase grace to self while acknowledging the complexity of the situation - building myself in the direction of health.

3. Be around children - with intention, presence, and mindfulness
Whether you have children of your own or not, we need to invest our time in children. We have so much to learn from them - shamelessness, playfulness, curiosity, atunement to their bodies. It’s healing for us to join them in those ways, and it’s healing for them when we invest our energy in their liberation. This work that we do is so expansive! When we heal and thrive, it is powerful and an act of radiant resistance. Oh and laugh more!

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Birthday trip:

Back to California!

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Mourning + joy:

Something that I don’t want people to hear when I’m talking about joy is that I’m saying that I’m just going to ignore the messed up things of our society. Or that I’m going to be blindly “happy” and be consequently self absorbed. What I’m learning is what will increase my joy is being able to hold mourning, fighting injustice, and joy simultaneously. When I can mourn and have joy well, I will have more long term energy and heart to fight for what is worth fighting for much harder. I’m going to fight for my own liberation that will flow outward powerfully. This is what I wrote about it mid August:

Being able to mourn and have joy is fundamental to BIPOC liberation and power. And something I want to practice on the daily. So I’m going to share with you want I’m mourning today and what I have joy in.

Mourning: lives that were taken in the #elpaso and #daytonohio shootings. I’m mourning the default of our society is to ALWAYS to be on the defense for whiteness at the cost of human lives whether it’s in mass shootings, mass incarceration, detainment camps, separation of families, police brutality, etc. White people (and BIPOC too) are trained to be on the defense for white supremacy, and most don’t acknowledge it - let alone dismantle it. This reality is sad and violent.

Joy: I don’t need to wait for my internal or external oppression to be completely dismantled in order to have joy. I don’t need to wait for society to wake up to have joy. I have the AGENCY to choose joy. I celebrate that I can make art and engage about things that I believe in. I celebrate that I have friends and family who support and love me. I celebrate that there is intergenerational healing and hope.

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Book:

The body keeps the score

By Bessel van der Kolk

I’m nearing the end of the book, and I’ve been reading this for awhile - it’s pretty dense and a lot to absorb. It’s been really helpful in understanding how my mind, body, and experiences work together. Most importantly, it is helping me to have more grace to myself. Almost all things aren’t as simple as understanding and then having everything else align and change. Being trauma informed myself is also changing how I see others with more grace. Not only is there more grace, but there’s also more hope. There is hope to be freed from the crippling affects of trauma. There is so much hope to be able to cope in beautiful ways. There is hope that even if it’s been a certain way for so long it doesn’t have to be anymore. There is also hope if things seemingly backtrack or reemerge, we have tools to feel supported and loved. I’m looking forward to finally finishing this book soon!

And I’m still reading Sapiens by Yuval Noah Hurari.

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Article:

The history of Hong Kong, visualized

By Nat geo

This was incredibly helpful for me to understand HK’s history and how it has influenced the protesting right now.

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Publication:

1619 Project by the New York Times

THIS is important. I am so thankful to get my hands on a hard copy of this.

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Movie:

The farewell - directed by Lulu Wang

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Intersectional fridays:

This is one of the Intersectional Friday posts that I wrote in August:

Today’s focus is: How to decenter whiteness. There are SO MANY ways to decenter whiteness, but today I’m going to share a few ways that I’ve learned through my personal journey with it.  As usual, you can listen to my talk throughs via my instastories and highlight “Friday 35.”  I get into it more than what is written here!

What have I learned? It's really REALLY hard not to center whiteness.  Regardless if you are BIPOC or white, all of us have been taught/brainwashed from day one that we must uphold white people in places of power because they mean and are the supreme. White supremacy is in the air that we all breathe whether you can detect it or not.  BIPOC are taught that we must protect white ego, white fragility, and trust white good intentions at ANY cost. Any cost meaning through our own violence, gaslighting, DEATH, cultural appropriation, stolen land/wisdom/resources, through white assimilation, etc.  When I’m talking about internalized oppression this is what I’m talking about! Especially for BIPOC, we are taught to not every question it and if we do - there will be consequences.

Three ways how not to center whiteness:

1) Believing that it is not BIPOC's responsibility to "educate" white people and work with them until they “get it.”

This one is so hard for me.  I was struggling just a couple days ago of feelings of guilt for not saying more doing more - feeling the weight of responsibility that wasn’t mine in the first place.  It’s easy for my mind to know, but it’s hard for the rest of me to be convinced of it.  I’m working on practicing preaching to myself TRUTH and patience with myself knowing that it takes patience in decolonizing my mind/body. I’m working on releasing the lie that white people will not be able to see their own privilege unless I say something.  BIPOC folx have been saying this for centuries!!

I am also not saying we cannot have conversations, speak up or educate white people….but it isn't our responsibility. It's a subtle but important difference. It should come from a place that the conversations would liberate us as a whole and INDIVIDUALLY.

2) Work through trauma

Between last year and this year, I've seen a HUGE difference of what I can hold in myself. Working through the trauma of not feeling like I could truly belong and seeing how racism has been present at every turn of my life has been so freeing. It helped me see that at different points, certain triggers were really sensitive. This helped me make decisions that were informed by my healing.  Being familiar with how trauma is connected to my nervous system + body decenters whiteness, because I am centering MY wellness.  I will not sacrifice it for whiteness.

3) Be honest in what you need in this season

I’m also learning how to be honest with myself.  I’m see myself as super independent, and find myself with a mentality that is me against the world.  I renounce that!  In this new season, I need BIPOC around me to support me.  I need more love and wisdom around me.  Already, since I’ve vocalized this, things are changing in this direction!!  

I think that knowing how to honestly gauge yourself of what you can handle in this moment or this season is really key. It's ok to back away and not get into those difficult conversations (I’m talking to BIPOC! If you’re white, this does not apply to you). Or if you’re in a different season, it's also ok to call out violence and rally people around you to do the same - that isn't white centering. There is so much grace and there is no shame.  Your healing is your liberation work.

……….

#TWintersectionalfridays: Space to explore intersections of identity and systems of oppression.  Space to tell your story.  Space to listen.  Every Friday of 2019. // Week 35/52. ‘Decenter whiteness’ 

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Watercolor workshop:

with Universal Standard

I have really slowed down with teaching workshops, but I was so excited to partner with Universal Standard for a watercolor workshop that they paid for their attendees. It was a beautiful morning with beautiful people in a beautiful space!

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Thank you

I appreciate you and your support!

JULY INSPIRATION

internalized capitalism:

My term of the month

For the first time, I took a step back from Instagram. I posted a couple stories here and there, but I detached from checking into my favorite accounts and I didn’t post. AND IF FELT SO GOOD. I listened to what my body/mind needed. This is what I learned.

I am so obsessed with proving things to myself and others - that internalized capitalism holds me captive so many of the times. Society bombards us with that message from the moment we are born: that we need to PROVE we have worth and a purpose. And in order to PROVE it, we need BUY into the idea that status, money, productivity will give us that worth. Oh and we need to literally BUY the things that will get us there or prove that we are worth something. This sounds so extreme, but its in the air we breathe just as white supremacy is in the air we breathe.

I’m so tired of having to prove myself to feel good. That’s not liberation! With this break, I have a new found energy to be intentional not to be ruled my addiction to prove that I’m worthy. Because I’m worthy already. We all are. What better way to use my energy than to that! Dismantling oppressive systems starts in me believing that I’m whole and invaluable.

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Virgil abloh “figures of speach”:

At mca

July 4th was heavy for a lot of us. So my friends (Brit and Alex) and I went to the MCA to this exhibit, and then I spent the rest of the day/night in bed.

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End Detention/Welcome Immigrants Protest:

It was powerful to come together with so many people in Chicago to march against camps and I.C.E. The fight continues. Continue to donate to RAICES. Get plugged into your local community organizers who are doing proactive things in protection of immigrants. If you’re in Rogers Park, Chicago, connect with PROTECTRP. Keep on staying active and engaged with what is happening - it is easy to look away especially if you have the privilege to do so, but don’t give in. Keep on calling your representatives and talking to your friends about it, because what is happening is atrocious and it must STOP. Our country has done it systematically to Black, Indigenous, and People of Coordinations since the beginning, and we all need to do our part - in urgency.

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Book:

Searching for Sylvie Lee

By Jean Kwok

After I read “Everything I Never Told You” by Celeste Ng, I was craving something similar, and I found! This book is similar in themes of mystery and a body of water. It also addresses themes of Asian identities, racism, and family dynamics, which always resonates with me. It was enjoyable! But I will have to say “Everything I Never Told You” is better by far.

I’m still reading Sapiens by Yuval Noah Hurari and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. Join me in reading any of these books!

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Article:

Under construction: decolonized queer masculinity(ies)

By Shay-Akil McLean / @hood_biologist

As I’m learning about the multiplicity of gender, this article was so helpful in developing a decolonized framework.

“I have to be comfortable with not theorizing every part of myself, I have to be comfortable with abandoning the frameworks of cishetnormativity that are commonly used to define what masculinity is based off its distance and difference from cisheteropatriarchal masculinity. I sense my genderqueer masculinity as an inbetweeness that doesn’t denote being between two genders, its denotes being between masculinity and unknown gender identities we have yet to venture upon in modernity. Thus my genderqueer masculinity isn’t a two-ness, its an intersection of many things. It is a sense of personhood that questions boundaries and is usually something that can’t be accurately defined by the ideologies of imperialist white supremacist cisheteropatriarchal ableist capitalisms.”

How race and gender interact to shape inequality

by Shay-Akil McLean / @hood_biologist

A more recent piece by Shay-Akil - addressing intersectionality!!

“This definition pulls away from the commonly assumed ‘additive’ mischaracterization of intersectionality versus its actual dynamic systems analysis of power relations based on human actions, struggles, and commands of resources. The grounding of intersectionality as an analytical tool connects it to the work that it does to highlight the ways systemic domination impacts the lives of Black women and other marginalized peoples. A crucial distinction that Collins makes is the academic versus public division made in academe when it comes to the intersectionality being understood as a theory, analysis, method, set of assumptions, and/or practice. The definition of intersectionality is heavily shaped by the everyday lived experiences of oppressed peoples and it’s their lives and the ways they come to understand them, make sense of them, and resist and attempt to impact the world that gives intersectionality its meaning. Definitions emerge from everyday practices and demonstrate to the living qualities of language.”

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Swarm art residency:

I attended my first art residency this month! It was from July 19-22 with SWARM, and it was EXACTLY what I needed. I cried twice because I was having so much fun and was having a lot of soulful connections and conversations. I carpooled to Scattergood Boarding School property in Iowa with a few other artists, and it was such a fun ride. Since I was going into this without knowing one person, it was comforting to already have spent 4 hours with three other artists.

Within the first couple hours we were all gathered for an orientation called “Power, Privilege, and Race” (I think it’s called that.) Basically, the residency facilitators lead an open discussion about power, privilege, race - it emphasized on consent and we all brainstormed about how to care for one another well when it comes to race, gender, and sexual orientation. Mid session, we separated into two groups - white people and BIPOC, and then discussed different scenarios and also shared what we needed in the next couple of days to really thrive. I already was tearing up every 10 minutes, because I’m rarely in places that are so caring and informed.

So the next couple of days were filled with healing workshops, deep conversations, lots of laughter, communal meals, art making, swimming, and more amazing conversations. One of my favorite workshops was about our relationship with time. For me, how time feels really oppressive, because I constantly feel like I need to use the hours to the best of my ability - to prove that I’m productive - like what I wrote above. The workshop leader lead us through a group tarot reading, and that was probably the closest experience I’ve had to how church should be. It was completely uplifting, loving, and full of truth. Everyone spoke into each other’s lives, and it was such a generous and light space. I’ll share part of what I was reminded of little later in this blog post.

My favorite moment was on the second night after two days of extreme heat. A bunch of us skinny dipped late at night in this little pond. The water was warm and the air was really magical. We talked about all sorts of things and there was SO MUCH LAUGHTER. I really felt present and really blissed out. Nothing crazy happened, but it was so deeply enjoyable. I seriously cried about it after, because it made me realize that I don’t get these kinds of experiences often enough!! It was the combination of being outside, being oriented, being around kind friends, being in water, feeling safe, and not having a worry. So simple.

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INTERSECTIONAL FRIDAYS:

Month of July was an EPIC month for Intersectional Fridays. FIRST WEEK was Dr. Kiona from @hownottotravellikeabasicbitch, SECOND WEEK was @dr.rosalesmeza, Third week I was at the residency, and FOURTH WEEK was Sharyn from @gutsygirlart. If you’re familiar with BIPOC activism world, you know that these three people are POWERHOUSE UNAPOLOGETIC women, who I look up to so much. What an honor to have them invest in Intersectional Fridays.

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Instagram account:

@dr.rosalesmeza

WOW. I don’t have words to say about how much I have learned from Dr. Rosales. How many messages we have sent each other - mostly Dr. encouraging me and sending me truth reminders about my worth and agency. Her light is so powerful that it has shaped so much of how I’ve grown in the last couple of months. Dr. Rosales’ efforts are focused on BIPOC wellness through dismantling white supremacy/colonialism/capitalism. She champions healing and is well informed on racial trauma and how toxic academia and white wellness are. I’m incredibly thankful to have someone who models a journey of decolonization and health.

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I’m turning 30 in august:

So many thoughts that I will share more with you in my August roundup. But for now, if you would like to send me birthday coffee money, feel free to VENMO ME! Cant’t believe I’m turning 30 - feels like I’ve waited my whole life for this. FEELING ALL THE LEO FEELS!!

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Thank you

I appreciate you and your support!

JUNE INSPIRATION

Question:

What is normalized for BIPOC?

At the beginning of June, I posed the question on an Instagram post:

“I think about the expectations of Black, Indigenous, and People of Color - what do we expect from society? What have we deemed as another day when it’s filled with microagressions or in your face aggressions or news of others from the community? What is the cost of having tough skin? When we walk into a room, what bar do we have to lower in order to retain sanity?

And what does that do to our overall outlook? How does that affect our JOY?”

Reading this now, I’m still struck by this reckoning. What defaults have I become desensitized towards? What assumptions have I agreed to when I enter conversations about race/gender/society? What’s normalized?

I’m slowly realizing how I’ve unknowingly agreed to many white supremest/white centering defaults. My mind and body seems to be conditioned for me to serve white supremacy, and the harder I fight it, the more resistance there is within me and outside of me. I’ve never been in so much physical pain and mental strain. I’ve never felt so dragged down. BUT at the same time, I’ve never felt so supported by those who came before me who have fought the systems and paved the way for me. I’ve never felt so supported by the activists and educators that are doing that now. The fight is worth fighting, because it’s bigger than me. Just as oppression is linked, dismantling systems is also linked.

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Pride:

Month of June was Pride month, and this ARTICLE “Dear straight allies, please don’t come to pride until you’ve learned these 6 things” was really helpful. Whether it’s how not to fall for capitalistic campaigns that use pride as a way to benefit corporations and performative allyship, straight allies need to be aware all year round how to use our awareness and actions as an act of solidarity with the LGBTQ+ community. Here is the first point of the article, but please read the whole article!

“1. The first Pride was a police riot.

We hold Pride each summer to commemorate the Stonewall Riots of 1969. At the time, most states had laws banning LGBT people from assembling in groups. Despite being illegal, the mob opened LGBT bars to profit off of the open discrimination of our community. The bars were the only safe space for LGBT people and were frequently raided by police officers looking for bribes. Tired of harassment and discrimination, the patrons of The Stonewall protested and began a series of actions that turned into several days of riots. At its peak, more than 1,000 people took to the streets of Greenwich Village in one of the first organized displays of LGBT protest. The mostly transgender patrons of color at The Stonewall are credited with starting the LGBT civil rights movement.

So you’ll see sequins, rainbows, parade floats and pool parties sponsored by Absolut, but understand that Pride is equal parts a celebration, a protest, and a community building event. It’s the one time a year when we can come together and be surrounded by the family we choose. Because our bodies and our identities are still policed by the government, religious groups, and even the people we love, we reserve Pride as the opportunity to express ourselves in the way that is most authentic to our community. Sometimes that’s by drunkenly singing Robyn songs at the top of our lungs and sometimes it’s by crying during the eulogy for our murdered trans sisters. We are allowed to have multiple feelings simultaneously as we celebrate our wins and mourn our losses as a community.”

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KNOW THESE DEFINITIONS:

Do you know how to define these terms? It’s really hard to have conversations when people don’t have shared vocabulary and definitions. So it's good to practice defining terms early on in conversations. I also recognize that I define many terms not by dictionary definitions, because the dictionary are written by white men in academia. Not much more to say about that!

Let's revisit some basics. Here are some definitions in my own words.

ETHNICITY: is about ancestry. What are your primary genetic origins? Someone might be primarily Irish and English. Or I am Chinese, because as far as I can go, my ancestors on both sides are Chinese.

RACE: is the social construct based on white supremacy. It was created to differentiate between those who will be rewarded certain privileges and who will not be (aka black, indigenous, and people of color). It ignores lineage and genetics - if you look like you come from European descent, you have that "white" privilege. It is important to know that white priviledge is at the expense of Black and brown people lives. This fact is built into the DNA of America and influences EVERY SINGLE piece of policy, law, and history. Nothing is untouched.

NATIONALITY: What country/countries you live or have lived in for a significant part of your life. Legal citizenship maybe be part of it - but I don't like to limit my definition of nationality to it. Example: I’m chinese, but I have never been to Hong Kong or China - I identify as an American, because I’ve lived there my whole life.

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Book:

The farm by joanne ramos

I listened to this book on Audible, and LOVED IT. It addresses so many issues that are resonated with me deeply: Asian identities, racism, how brown bodies are treated, classism, reproduction, immigration. Especially as a child caretaker, it revealed many things in me that I’ve defaulted to. It was almost freaky to hear what I’ve learned in how to behave repeated to me via this book. HERE is an article by The New York Times about the book.

Currently, I’m reading Sapiens by Yuval Noah Hurari, The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, and Searching for Sylvie Lee by Jean Kwok. Join me in reading any of these books! Let me know what you think.

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Articles:

There is an abundance heavy and important articles - please don’t breeze through these. They contain important content that needs to be everybody’s consciousness. Being fluent in these conversations is KEY in antiracism/antibias work. If you care, TAKE YOUR TIME in soaking it up.

Why people of color need spaces without white people

By kelsey blackwell

I cried when I first read this article, because it put into words that I knew I believed.

“But how are we supposed to learn if people of color aren’t present?

Expecting people of color to be in the room to help white people learn about race is yet another example of privilege. Being in a space where white people are starting to wake up to their white cultural conditioning is heartbreaking for me. It is a pain that is felt deeply. I ache for my ancestors and my ancestors’ ancestors. A sadness comes welling up, and it feels like drowning. While there are some people of color who are up for being in conversations with white people about race, this is a gift offered in the service of collective liberation, and it requires tremendous energy, patience, bravery, and effort. Deep love for others might also bring us to this work. I love you enough to be on the front lines weathering your arrows of confusion. I love you enough to hold the pain you’ve buried deep, deep down until you’re ready to claim it. It is not every person of color’s work to do the work of liberation in this way. Please don’t expect it.

I also don’t believe that the presence of PoC is helpful to white people doing this work. Dictated social niceties make it hard to get into these dark places even among those who share your race. Having a person of color present for this means meeting a fairly solid social barrier (that you’re going to say something that will hurt someone else or make you look bad) that’s hard for anyone to confront, let alone someone just beginning this work. It’s generally best if we’re out of the room.”

Confronting racism is not about needs and feelings of white people

by Ijeoma oluo

On the same lines as the previous article.

“At a university last month, where I was discussing the whitewashing of publishing and the need for more unfiltered narratives by people of color, a white man insisted that there was no way we were going to be understood by white people if we couldn’t make ourselves more accessible. When I asked him if all of the elements of white culture that people of color have to familiarize themselves with just to get through the day are ever modified to suit us, he shrugged and looked down at his notebook. At a workshop I led last week a white woman wondered if perhaps people of color in America are too sensitive about race. How was she going to be able to learn if we were always getting so upset at her questions?

I’ve experienced similar interruptions and dismissals more times than I can count. Even when my name is on the poster, none of these places seem like the right places in which to talk about what I and so many people of color need to talk about. So often the white attendees have decided for themselves what will be discussed, what they will hear, what they will learn. And it is their space. All spaces are.”

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migrant children detained:

Unless you’ve been under a rock, you are aware of the detained migrant children separated from their families in deathly conditions. The government has been in the business of separating families from the moment colonizers set foot on the ground. What is happening in present time is your oppurtunity to act - if you’ve ever asked yourself what you would have done during the holocaust, this is the time to see.

THIS SATURDAY JULY 13 MARCH AGAINST DETENTION CAMPS (chicago)

INFO: https://www.facebook.com/events/693145914482339/

SHOW UP. Stand up in solidarity with immigrants and stand up against the administration/I.C.E. DONATE to https://www.raicestexas.org and your local organizations.

A couple days ago I went to an INCREDIBLE training in how to protect immigrants against ICE raids by Project Roger’s Park, and I highly encourage you to donate to them and make use of their training sessions. VISIT THEIR WEBSITE.

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sudan:

Goodness. These are heavy heavy times. Sudan massacre happened on June 3rd, and despite their internet being shut down, people rallied to keep awareness high. The violence and sexual assault was horrifying to hear being reported, and even though the government and people have seem to come to some sort of agreement, we need to keep our eyes on Sudan. Please donate to EMERGENCY MEDICAL AID FOR SUDAN.

To continue to be aware of what’s happening in Sudan, follow these accounts on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/yassmin_a/

https://www.instagram.com/mona_amin_bashir/

https://www.instagram.com/sudan/

https://www.instagram.com/bsonblast/

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INTERSECTIONAL FRIDAYS:

June was incredibly overwhelming and heavy (July doesn’t seem to be any different). This post below was indicative of what was important for me. I took many breaks and decided to take time to rest, because I don’t think it’s possible to be well and strong without that. Since I wrote this post, I still haven’t been doing much on Instagram when it comes to posting, and I’m better for it.

WEEK 26

Today is week 26 of #TWintersectionalfridays, and I'm dedicating it to rest. I received many encouraging messages about the importance to taking time to rest in the process of healing. It's ok to take a break.

To Black, Indigenous, and People of Color, there is important work to do and important battles to fight, but it's NECESSARY to rest. It's not only for you, but it's for us all! We need to stay in tact and remember to claim rest and joy. We need to know that dismantling white supremacy includes nourishing our body, mind, and spirit. Because I think this fight against white supremacy will be for the rest of our lives.

It's so easy to get used to a heightened state of fight or flight at ALL times...because there doesn't seem to be much of a choice. But in justice work, rest must be built in. And I'm preaching to the choir, because I honestly don't have the regular practice of rest or even taking breaks. I created this weekly year-long project to create space of healing through people's stories and journey. And today, I'm giving myself permission to take a break from it this week. Because I can! There's nothing I need to prove to myself. Or others.

Especially as we are witnessing the inhumane detainment of thousands of children and (threat of a new wave of) ICE raids, we need to take breaks, use our energy wisely, and not neglect ourselves in the process. And if you're white, protect BIPOC's energy by seeing what you can say and do in your white spaces as an act of solidarity.
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#TWintersectionalfridays: Space to explore intersections of identity and systems of oppression. Space to tell your story. Space to listen. Every Friday of 2019. // Week 26/52. 'Rest' / 8x8 in. / mixed media on paper

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New art piece:

I created this 30x40 in canvas piece in June, and I’m glad it forced me to reconnect with art for myself. READ ABOUT THE PIECE.

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youtube OBSESSION:

This channel by Liziqi has been a source of calm and joy for me. The videos are about and by this young woman (Li Ziqi) who lives in the mountains of Sichuan. It beautifully documents her farming, foraging, creating food and household items like furniture and clothing using a minimal amount of modern technology. She preserves ancient Chinese techniques in her creations, and I’ve LOVED learning from these videos. This particular video is one of my favorites: it’s about her planting shiitake mushrooms in the mountains, harvesting them, and cooking it in a variety of ways.

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Thank you

I appreciate you and your support!

If my work has impacted you positively, I would love for you to share my PATREON with your friends and family. Every little bit of support helps me immensely.

MAY INSPIRATION

question:

Where is your energy going towards?

If you’ve been following me on IG this past month, you have seen lots of things being discussed and explained. What I’m learning and noticing is WHERE PEOPLE’S ENERGY LOVE TO BE SPENT ON: centering and prioritizing whiteness and feelings. The thing that makes me angry is that of all the things that I have written and spoken about in celebration and expression of Asian Americans and POC, there isn’t the same energy usually. I have some people who understand and relate to the things I write in the most supportive way, but the moment that there are more people who are defending whiteness is the moment I realize that my space needs to have clearer boundaries. THIS SPACE online and offline is for brown and black voices. I have spent my whole life catering to white feelings and perspectives, and I am NOT going to spend another second doing that…to the best of my ability, because I’m still wired to bend to whiteness.

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Lecture:

I went to this lecture featuring Hoda Katebi earlier in May, and I’m still thinking and reabsorbing so much of what she bought up. I’ll share a couple things I learned from her lecture:

1. Orientalism and its history. Watch this video she showed us.

2. “Islamophobia” should be replaced with “Anti Muslim Racism,” because “Islamophobia” insinuates that its something you’re born with and isn’t that harmful…like the fear of spiders/arachnophobia or the fear of small spaces/claustrophobia.

3. Representation isn’t always good. Hoda talked about how it seems like there’s more representation in media especially when it comes to seeing the hijab in mainstream spaces. For example, Nike created the first sports hijab, which seems great at first. Hoda taught that it is in face HARMFUL, because the manufacturing of the hijab exploits Muslim women who work in Nike sweatshops. READ HODA’S ARTICLE ABOUT THIS. Another point she made is that she made is that the focus on the hijab erases other Muslim women who don’t wear the hijab. This portrayal is a caricature and misidentifier of Muslim women.

4. There is no such thing as a VOICELESS COMMUNITY. All marginalized people have a voice and are screaming to be heard, but systemic racism keeps them from being heard. It’s not about giving people a voice, but it is dismantling white supremacy so that there is equal opportunity to speaking.

5. In a group conversation, Hoda expressed how she hates the word “empower.” She said that its mostly used when people in power aka white people “save” brown and black people. It furthers white saviorism, and also represents brown and black communities as unable to be respectable. When people use this word, it is centered on how they want “empower” someone who is lower than themselves.

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Anxiety

Instagram post from May 7

“I had this dream the other night where there are all these bugs in my path, and at first I can only see the big sized bugs. The terrifying part were as my eyes adjusted there were millions of these tiny baby bugs. It’s this reoccurring theme where I feel the need to figure a way to get rid of them, but knowing it’s impossible.

I’m not sure what it indicates, but I think the dream expresses my anxiety. It’s the overwhelming feeling where there are all these things where some are big and a million of them are small.

If you feel the same, I invite you to entering back to your body and into the present. After you read this, put your phone away and just take a few deep breaths. Look around and notice lines in your view like the window sill and see how the lines form patterns and shapes with other lines. See how the pattern repeats or change into something else. Anything to get us into the present is crucial. Because anxiety (I'm not talking about hardships) lives in that overwhelming future place where we feel out of control. (I'm taking this exercise from something I heard from a podcast or meditation, but I can't remember where. Wish I could give it credit!)

Last thing, Intersectionality has everything to do with the experience of anxiety. If you are BIPOC, you are born into society with a set of overwhelming difficulties against you. So have self compassion and kindness for yourself today.”

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VISUAL:

1. / 2. / 3. / 4. / 5. / 6. / 7. / 8. / 9. / 10. / 11. / 12.

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Book:

all you can ever know by nicole chung

Description:

“This raw memoir about growing up as a transracial adoptee will reverberate with anyone who yearns to belong. Chung writes about identity, race, motherhood, and her journey to find her true self. Her book starts with her struggle as a Korean child adopted into a white family, then digs into her growing relationships with her adopted family, husband, birth family, and children. Through letters and emails, Chung makes sometimes difficult discoveries about her birth family. The work closes with reconciliation for her families, the truth about her adoption, and understanding about herself.”

I cannot recommend this book more!! It shows the complexity of trans racial adopting, and expresses so many human experiences and emotions of finding belonging. I thoroughly enjoyed this book and learned so much.

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Articles:

What nobody who says talking about race ‘divides’ us seems to understand

By race forward

“(Title Card: What about people who think talking about our differences divides us?)

What I really want to ask people who ask me that question is: what part of your own internalized oppression, or your own addiction to the drug that is privilege, makes you fear full liberation for all people? There’s a problem with even seeing this as divisive. There’s a problem when we’re not actually understanding that the liberation of all people makes us all free.

When trans women of color are free, that’s bringing me close to freedom. When Syrian refugees are free, that brings me close to freedom. It’s really important for us to think about that, not to think about how we protect our own privilege with a structure that doesn’t even work for us, but how do we create more openness and liberation for all human beings. For all humanity.”

Celeste ng called amy tan. We listened in.

by Lena Felton

“Celeste Ng: Totally. I wanted to ask you about the conflation that so often happens with being the first and the only. Because your books, for so many, are the first they’ve read by an Asian American woman. And for me, personally, that was incredibly powerful: to see a kindred experience that I almost never got to share with other people around me and to see my culture represented on the page, and then for it to be celebrated in this huge way.

But I know for so many people, it’s often the only work by an Asian American woman taught in their high school or sometimes even their college classes. Like you said, people put all kinds of expectations on you.

I’m embarrassed to admit this to you, but years ago, before I had even finished my first novel, I wrote an essay called, “Why I don’t want to be the next Amy Tan.”

[Both laugh]”

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Netflix:

Pose

I watched season 1 the second time around, because I saw that it was out on Netflix. This show is set in the late 80’s and is about the New York City ball culture. I highly recommend it!

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Intersectional fridays:

Week 19 of #TWintersectionalfridays! Today's feature is incredible, and I'm excited to have @yenalynn as my guest for today! So much vulnerability and insight. Every week, I'm encouraged in this work of reclaiming our identities and dismantling white supremacy. Yena's perspective is powerful, and I'm so glad we all get to read about it.
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#TWintersectionalfridays: Space to explore intersections of identity and systems of oppression. Space to tell your story. Space to listen. Every Friday of 2019. // Week 19/52. 'Yena' / 8x8 in. / mixed media on paper

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Instagram account:

AJA BArber

I have learned SO MUCH from Aja. Here is a post she posted that spoke to me:

“Stop calling us #radicals. When you do, all you are doing is sensationalizing the work of activists like myself who ultimately want #peaceand #fairness of all of us and there is nothing radical about that idea.⁣
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I’ve noticed a trend with folks who call me radical when I talk about #race and give #whitesupremacy a name. The only folks who think that message radical are the ones which benefit the most from a super unhealthy balance of power and cannot stand the idea of losing that. This unevenly tipped scale is definitely the reason we’re in this mess, whether you’re looking at #climatechange or #colonization. These are not extreme views, they are FAIR views. The scale is tipped so far to one side that folks reason in their brains that any resemblance of balance is extreme. ⁣
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I think there’s an initial fear that if people like myself had any power, we would do the same as those who have abused my ancestors and kinfolk. It’s disappointing because my value system would never allow me to treat any human that way. Ever. I will never have the drive for it because I simply don’t have the greed. The closer I get to having it all the less I want it all. ⁣
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I don’t like being told that my work is radical because there’s nothing radical about wanting an even playing field for all. The work I present to you isn’t even controversial. It’s fair. It only seems controversial because you’ve been lead to believe that by the status quo. There’s nothing radical about believing that the wealth and power in this planet have been unfairly and unevenly distributed. There’s nothing radical about questioning why resource rich and labor rich countries are all poor while countries with few resources seem to have so much (hello America, what are you exporting these days? The answer is #colonization). There’s nothing radical about giving a name to the harmful systems which oppress us so we can move forward as better humans.⁣
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There is nothing radical about wanting a decent wage and clean drinking water for ALL HUMANS. There is nothing radical about believing that rich countries shouldn’t be allowed to rob poor countries blind.⁣
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My work is not radical. It is righteous.”

BONUS: Aja Barber shows up for Intersectional Fridays in June! READ IT HERE.

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Book event:

celeste ng in conversation with eve l. ewing

This event was a dream come true!!! To be in the presence of two LEGENDARY authors was really really special, and I got to get all my books signed by them too! It was also really special to experience with my dear friend, Brit. We talked about how refreshing it was to have two women on stage having conversations without a hint of competition or ego. They were honest, funny, insightful, and vulnerable. I was struck by how powerful to see my representation on stage - Celeste Ng is Chinese and her parents are from Hong Kong. It was so awesome to hear her background and relate it to it so much!

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Thank you

I appreciate you and your support!

If my work has impacted you positively, I would love for you to share my PATREON with your friends and family. Every little bit of support helps me immensely.

APRIL INSPIRATION

WORD:

JOY

At the beginning of this month I started writing boy JOY and food. This is what I wrote:

“Something that's been on my mind SO MUCH recently are Hong Kong egg tarts (dan tat). Growing up my parents would get a whole box of them from a Chinese bakery from Oakland Chinatown, and after dinner they would pop them into the toaster oven. The outer pastry would get all toasty and crispy. And the sweet custard filling would get piping hot. OMG they were so good!! Or sometimes on a weekend afternoon, we would have it as a midday tea time.

I have so many memories like this that I don't want to forget. Memories that bring JOY. And so many involve food! I'm thinking about an ongoing series about it.”

THEN AT THE END OF THE MONTH…

During my trip home to the Bay Area, my cousin, Haley brought dan tat’s when we hung out at my sister’s house!! I got to sink my teeth into the delicious custardy sweet flaky dessert, and it did not disappoint. And the day before that, I got to interview my mom for Intersectional Fridays about what childhood food gave her joy and gives her joy recalling the memories - WATCH THE INTERVIEW. It was so special for me to have her be part of the project and to share the JOY of being with my mom with my IG audience.

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PMS:

I wrote this on Instagram

“I was just talking with @alkellypoetry about how intense PMS can be recently. Literally once a month I have an existential crisis and internally freak out about my path as an artist and as a human. Once a month I get pretty depressed and detached from myself, and you would never know it from the outside. It’s really weird - many of the times during social encounters I feel like I’m pretending to be myself while looking at the conversation from the outside. 😳 Anybody know what I’m talking about??

I also hate how “are you PMSing?” has been used as a weapon for misogyny. It’s so gross when men use it to try to invalidate those who have periods’ experience! Aka gaslighting. I want to reclaim talking about PMS as a way to express real life hormonal fluctuation that influences real life experience of reality.

Random story, but this one time my PMS was really helpful for me. I had a hard time tapping into how I felt about a certain situation because I had all these walls up, but my hormones helped break them down and embody what was really there. Not to say that is common for me, but thinking about PMS reminded me of it. So it’s not all bad, but (for me) it’s mostly horrible.”

SO sometimes I’m surprised what resonates with people online - I didn’t predict the reaction from this one post. It resulted in so many women sharing in their thoughts about their own experiences with PMS and also the desire of wanting to reclaim the PMS narrative, which is drenched in misogyny. The reactions also showed how suppressed these sorts of conversations are. There is a lot of shame of us talking about our bodies, periods, hormones, emotions, and it’s sad. I’m hoping to reshape how I interact with these topics with others that reclaims the beauty of humans. I’m including this, because PMS actually does inspire me to connect with my body deeper and also it inspires me to create more helpful/growing conversations with people.

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Sri lanka Bombing

Easter morning

Waking up to the attack of churches in Sri Lanka was absolutely devastating, heartbreaking, and enraging. 2019 Easter will forever be marked with this horrendous tragedy.

It made think about the privilege Christians have in America. There are so many privileges I benefit from, and that one is a big one that I take for granted all the time. And when I was having Easter lunch with people I loved, it made me so thankful for the life and relationships I had around me.

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VISUAL:

1. / 2. / 3. / 4. / 5. / 6. / 7. / 8. / 9. / 10. / 11. / 12.

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Books:

Electric arches by eve l. ewing

Description:

“Electric Arches is an imaginative exploration of Black girlhood and womanhood through poetry, visual art, and narrative prose.

Blending stark realism with the surreal and fantastic, Eve L. Ewing’s narrative takes us from the streets of 1990s Chicago to an unspecified future, deftly navigating the boundaries of space, time, and reality. Ewing imagines familiar figures in magical circumstances―blues legend Koko Taylor is a tall-tale hero; LeBron James travels through time and encounters his teenage self. She identifies everyday objects―hair moisturizer, a spiral notebook―as precious icons.

Her visual art is spare, playful, and poignant―a cereal box decoder ring that allows the wearer to understand what Black girls are saying; a teacher’s angry, subversive message scrawled on the chalkboard. Electric Arches invites fresh conversations about race, gender, the city, identity, and the joy and pain of growing up.

Eve L. Ewing is a writer, scholar, artist, and educator from Chicago. Her work has appeared in Poetry, The New Yorker, New Republic, The Nation, The Atlantic, and many other publications. She is a sociologist at the University of Chicago School of Social Service Administration.”

I’m going to a talk between Celeste Ng and Eve L. Ewing next week, and I am SO EXCITED!

sputnik sweetheart by haruki murakami

Another Murakami book this month! Loved it. It was a quick read, and I’m already looking forward to another Murakami novel.

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Articles:

How can I help to promote diversity without relinquishing any of my power?

By chandler dean

SUCH a truth filled satirical article that makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

“As an upper-middle-class Northeastern American liberal college-educated cis straight white male, I’m aware of my privilege. And I’m willing to do anything to fight for progress — especially if it involves me telling you how aware of my privilege I am.

In the wake of winning of the 2019 National Magazine Award for fiction, at the precipice of our 21st year, and in anticipation of wonderment to come, we are bundling together a full subscription’s...
So make no mistake: I will do anything to uplift the marginalized. As long as uplifting the marginalized doesn’t involve diminishing my societal position in any fashion. That would, of course, be unfair.

I’m no elitist. I send my kids to public school. And I stay involved. For example, today I’m going to a town hall meeting where I’m going to scream at my school board representative because they want to redraw the lines of Aiden’s school to include… how should I put this… troubled neighborhoods.

The fact that the kids in those neighborhoods are mostly black and brown has nothing to do with my opposition to the measure! They just so happen to live in these troubled neighborhoods. It’s a coincidence.”

it ‘makes you feel invisible’ // when people can’t tell their coworkers of color apart

By rachel hatzipanagos // washington post

“Pilapil and Castanien’s experience is common. When About Us asked people of color on Twitter for stories about being misidentified in predominantly white places, more than 400 people replied, including a digital marketing consultant whose client kept calling him by his gardener’s name and a professor whose student turned in a paper with the wrong professor’s name.

The implication is that, while white people are seen as individuals, other groups are often viewed as a monolith, with their race or ethnicity becoming the defining characteristic of who they are.

“If we just identify someone as a ‘black person,’ then that is how we are going to see them,” said Kareem Johnson, an associate professor of psychology at Temple University.

While many on the receiving end of this phenomenon say it’s another example of every day racism, it does not necessarily indicate negative racial attitudes, Johnson said. Rather, it’s part of a larger cognitive problem called the cross-race effect — essentially, the impression that people of a race other than your own “all look the same.””

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Netflix:

Brene Brown // Call to courage

Gosh I love Brene Brown. I remember watching her TED talk, reading Daring Greatly and listing to Power of Vulnerbility all in 2012/2013. Her work has been fundamental in my journey and has really shaped how I make decisions. I highly recommend you watching this special!

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music:

Cuz I love you by lizzo

Lizzo came out with this BRILLIANT album near the end of April, but this has been the soundtrack of my life since then.

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Intersectional fridays:

Week 14 of #TWintersectionalfridays! My featured guest is Jo from @lemonwearsclothes! Her writing made me tear up so many times. It really hit home for me, and reading it made me feel so not alone in this healing process. Every Friday I feel alittle bit more connected to this community of truly loving people who are embracing themselves and others in such a beautiful and badass way. I love how @lemonwearsclothes finished the interview: "I am learning to take up space. I am learning to be whole." We are doing it together!

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INSTAgram account:

Teach and transform

Liz Kleinrock of Teach and Transform is someone I greatly admire. She is an incredible elementary teacher, social justice advocate, anti-bias educator, and a curriculum designer, TED Speaker, and a professional development facilitator.  If you haven’t already, watch her TED TALK. Visit her WEBSITE. And support her on PATREON. I have learned so much from her and have been personally have been very encouraged by her support of me and my work. She really makes me feel supported and understood, which is so incredibly generous of her. For the month of May she is amplifying the voices of many Asian/Pacific Islander Americans as an ode to Asian Pacific American Heritage month. Make sure you’re following her and following her prompts of how to be more aware of ASI! I’m also one of the people she will be featuring this month!

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Being home

Bay area trip

I was home for a couple days at the end of April, and it filled my heart up to the max. SO MUCH JOY. I got to spend the first day with my besties Lisa and Kayleigh. And the rest of the time was catching up and hanging with my family including some of my cousins. But obviously the highlight was my baby niece!!!! I am so in love with her!!! I’m so thankful to be her aunty and I’m looking forward to watching her grow up.

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Thank you

I appreciate you and your support!

If my work has impacted you positively, I would love for you to share my PATREON with your friends and family. Every little bit of support helps me immensely.

MARCH INSPIRATION

WORD:

RESET

There were some extreme highs and lows in the month of February. The main thing that I walked away was how important it is to reset - take a break - take a breath. When I went for a getaway to Mexico, I realized it was WAY TOO LONG that I took a break. Not just a break from work, but a break from emotional work. I feel like there’s this pattern that I do (that I know a lot of you do too), and it’s saying yes to so many things - then realizing there’s not enough margin for other things that I didn’t consider like rest - then having to cut out many things to make space before I seriously burn out. THEN the feeling like I need to prove myself or to do my part kicks in and it starts again. Taking a break from everything for a longer period time then 1 hr seems to be helpful to recalibrate. It doesn’t mean that the work isn’t good or the opportunities aren’t important, but it helps to focus on what is the goal?

Sometimes doing good things can suck the soul out of you. I have learned that everything comes with some sort of cost, and it is necessary to take inventory of what I have to give in that moment. I don’t have to pay the physical/emotional cost to say yes to taking on a new project or calling out someone.

The goal for me is to embrace my wholeness and to bring out the wholeness of others. Also in getting rid of self oppression, THAT is a way of advocacy for others too. It isn’t helpful for others if I’m burned out and resentful. It IS helpful for me to grieve for what is lost and to celebrate what is gained.

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Mexico:

I went to Mexico with Jaclyn Simpson to visit Matt + Stevi Savage and kids. Talking about resetting, I felt my tension melt away in the sun. My knots loosened and my body settled into a sense of newness as I was in the water. IT WAS MAGIC.

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Womxn taking space

Houseshow

Near the end of February, Eliana Blancas and I started an online conversation and this is how I started it:

“For the past two years, I have been ultra aware and conscious of how my body and presence is treated - not only as a womxn, but also as a womxn of color. The way that things are defaulted (white cishet male), I have made myself small and in other cases been made small. I know the feeling of taking up space and feeling empowered by others around me. I also know the feeling of taking up space and feeling the disapproval in the room - and then going home and crying because of the lack of space for me.

Eliana Blancas (an amazing community organizer and chef) and I are hosting online conversations in honor of International Womxn’s Day on March 8. (WOMXN: self identifying womxn including transgender woman, gender fluid / gender non-conforming.) We want to hear stories and conversations of how we can celebrate womxn, empower womxn, create space for womxn. Especially in line with #TWintersectionalfridays, I’m interested in stories of how black and non black WOC are forced to be made small from birth - and how it is to occupy and FULLY EMBODY yourself as multidimensional human..In the next two weeks, I will be sharing stories and thoughts about taking space as a womxn. Please join me and use the hashtag: // #womxntakingspace //”

The houseshow was POWERFUL. There was SO MUCH participation from the audience when we opened it up to dialogue, and there was an astounding sense that this space was needed. SO much so, we are putting on another one! It will be on April 20th! Contact me for more info if you want to attend.

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VISUAL:

1. / 2. / 3. / 4. / 5. / 6. / 7. / 8. / 9. / 10. / 11. / 12.

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Safe space:

Iwrote the following in an IG post

I've been thinking alot about safe spaces, and how there really isn't such a thing as a completely safe space. When interacting with any human there's a always an element where there is risk of hurt/misunderstanding - especially when it enters discussions about race/misogyny/sexuality etc. And especially when there is vulnerability involved. With openess to be known there is also openess to be hurt.

So what I'm trying to figure out is knowing my own triggers (I'm currently in a very raw place when it comes to race), when is it wise for me to engage in conversation? I know that I want to, because healing and empathy could come from those interactions. BUT what if the other person haven't begun antiracist work? Learning from @wherechangestarted , that process doesn't stop with awareness or education. And also, what if the cost is too high for me when they aren't ready to engage (causing more trauma, more physical pain, more emotional damage)? Basically, I'm trying to navigate how to take care of myself AND make helpful decisions that has integrity WHILE having grace for myself and others. 😳

I loved what @britthawthorne wrote about how she doesn't want to teach her sons to navigate white spaces, but to create spaces for themselves. I feel like I need to teach myself that! How to not center whiteness, but create a place of true and deep "harmony and balance with my words and actions" like what Britt wrote. ❤️

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Articles:

10 Books about Race to read instead of asking a person of color to explain things to you

By Bustle

“It isn’t up to people of color to inform or reform white people. As “White people, stop asking us to education about racism,” a collective piece from an African American voice on Medium, so clearly explains, “Don’t ask us to provide the information for you. Instead, participate in your own education. We’ve already given you enough of our free labor. Don’t ask us for anymore.”

If you’re trying to unlearn the biased systems in America that are designed to keep people of color down, here are 10 books about race in America you can start with.”

What is white PRIVILEGE, really?

By Teaching tolerance // Cory collins

“White privilege is—perhaps most notably in this era of uncivil discourse—a concept that has fallen victim to its own connotations. The two-word term packs a double whammy that inspires pushback. 1) The word white creates discomfort among those who are not used to being defined or described by their race. And 2) the word privilege, especially for poor and rural white people, sounds like a word that doesn’t belong to them—like a word that suggests they have never struggled.

This defensiveness derails the conversation, which means, unfortunately, that defining white privilege must often begin with defining what it’s not. Otherwise, only the choir listens; the people you actually want to reach check out. White privilege is not the suggestion that white people have never struggled. Many white people do not enjoy the privileges that come with relative affluence, such as food security. Many do not experience the privileges that come with access, such as nearby hospitals.

And white privilege is not the assumption that everything a white person has accomplished is unearned; most white people who have reached a high level of success worked extremely hard to get there. Instead, white privilege should be viewed as a built-in advantage, separate from one’s level of income or effort.”

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podcast:

Still processing: M.J.

Ok so I watched the documentary “Leaving Neverland” about Michael Jackson sexually abusing children. It was INTENSE. This podcast episode helped me process the documentary.

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book:

Colorless tsukuru tazaki

by haruki murakami

I blew through this book! It was the perfect getaway novel I needed this month.

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Intersectional fridays:

Week 10 // Saira @confessionsofamuslimmom

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Lots of tears:

Christchurch mosque massacre

So much mourning and grief marked March. Islamophobia/white supremacy killed 50 muslims, and it was one of the most heart breaking experiences. Now that almost a month has past, let us not forget the violence that white supremacy has on BIPOC, and I hope that it will boost our energy in putting in our best to fight it on a personal, interpersonal, and systemic level.

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Organization:

The conscious kid

I have to write about The Conscious kid again! Because they are doing a series called “Kids and Race.” It’s about the importance of educating our kids well about race and also HOW to do it. Here is a quote from THIS POST. I love this series, because it gives me hope of the next generation. I also love it because it gives me the tools to teaching adults - if a 5 yr old can understand it, an adult can too. With how fragile adults can be, the same knowledge and approach can be applied.

“As explicit racism frequents our news and our communities, white parents have concerns about how to raise white kids who are kind, compassionate and, importantly, not racist. The advice they most often receive is simple: talk more to your kids about race and racism. This is certainly important. But I have seen first-hand that it is not enough.

White kids learn about race as a result of their own independent experiences — not just conversations. Their lived experience and their interactions with peers, teachers, neighbors, coaches, siblings and strangers matter greatly. The choices parents make about how to set up children’s lives influence their kids’ ideas about race and racism. The neighborhood they live in, the school they attend, and the activities they participate in set the parameters for how kids understand race. And this is true whether parents are consciously aware that these choices matter or not, and regardless of what parents explicitly say about race.

Everyday behaviors of white parents also matter: when to lock the car doors, what conversations to have at the dinner table, what books and magazines to have around the house, how to react to news headlines, who to invite over for summer cookouts, whether and how to answer questions posed by kids about race, who parents are friends with themselves, when to roll one’s eyes, what media to consume, how to respond to overtly racist remarks made by Grandpa at a family dinner and where to spend leisure time. (Restaurants, vacation destinations and community events can be deliberately and by-default mostly white — or purposefully not.)
Parents may not even be aware that they are conveying ideas about race through these behaviors, but children learn from them all the time.

The conversations parents have with their white children about race and racism matter — it’s just that so does everything else parents do. Rather than focusing solely on what they say to kids about race, white parents should think more critically and carefully about how what they do on an everyday basis may actually reproduce the very racist ideas and forms of racial inequality that they say they seek to challenge.”

— Margaret Hagerman

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AOKI - a humble beginning

march 31st

I’m so honored to be part of the AOKI team! We put on our first public art event at the end of March, and it was so amazing to see it come together. The artists created an atmosphere of rest and playfulness while preserving excellence and intentionality of their art. It made me so happy watching the participants interact with the art and performances. Make sure to sign up for AOKI’s newsletter for the announcement of our next event!

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Thank you

I appreciate you and your support!