JOURNAL: August

Birthday month:

August is my favorite! I love Leo season. It asks me to look back and reflect. It gives me energy and reminds me to shine. This August wasn’t the easiest, but I’m really thankful for the journey I’m in. I’m thankful of where I’m at. Now that the seasons are shifting, I feel the internal shifts happening also. More about that later in this journal.

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Pace of painting:

I’m always in dialogue with the timing and speed of making art. And it never gets old! I come across so many things that need to be examined and dismantled - under capitalism. In this round of paintings, I’ve really allowed myself to flow with the pace. When there is energy I go a little faster - paint a little faster. And when there is less energy, I pause or paint slower. It seems really simple, but for me it’s the culmination of many years of healing to be able to give myself that kind of permission. And still I sometimes feel like I’m not going at the pace I “should.” Every week I try to practice having art fit into the flow of my life and not try to force art as if it stands alone.

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Birthday:

I turned 33! My birthday weekend was really sweet. I celebrated with my partner the day before - spent some quality time and had dinner at Tanta! And on my birthday my friend, Jaclyn, brought me and Al to a beautiful dinner hosted by our friend Mandy Lancia. You have to check out these magical dinners! The setting was out of this world, the food was incredible, and the company was so enjoyable. So thankful to have such fun celebrations!

My intentions for this new year is to channel more ease. The past seasons have been so necessary for growth and healing. I’m hoping to usher in a new season of flow and ease for the things that align with me. Ease with rest, joy, alignment, embodiment, finances, emotional resources, creativity, and community.

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facilitation:

Soul service - abolitionist healing clinic:

It was an honor to lead a session in collaboration with T Banks and the Let Us Breathe Collective. Being August, all my sessions were inspired by inner child healing. Being with BIPOC community is always needed and powerful. Can’t wait to for future collaborations like this one.

Inner child watercolor workshop at guild row:

As you probably know, I lead a meditative watercolor workshop every month at Guild Row. And this session was extra sweet. Everyone who attends are so attuned and ready to be introspective and open to connecting. Very thankful for this space.

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Books:

the school for good mothers by jessamine chan

Finished this book! LOVED IT. I didn’t love the ending, but it was worth it.

Luster by Raven Leilani

I’m in the last chapter of this book, and WOW this book is incredible!! It so cleverly written, hits so many thoughtful themes, and is funny. In this NPR book review, it describes the book perfectly: “Luster smashes together capitalism, sex, loss, and trauma and constructs something new with the pieces, using pitch-black humor as glue.” I highly recommend this book if that’s up your alley.

Polysecure by jessica fern

I feel like I’m the last to read this book, but here I am finally diving in. I’m about half way through the book, and it’s really good. If you’re interested in how attachment theory applies in more holistic ways while being aware of systems in place especially around relationships - this is the book for you. Excited to read more!

we do this ‘til we free us by mariame kaba

I already know this one will be a staple in my library. Reading this book slowly and thoroughly. I’m already reminded about why liberation/abolitionist work is so important and needed.

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Movie:

The secret world of arrietty

I recently got a mini projector for my apartment, and it’s been AMAZING! The screen takes up an entire wall - it makes the viewing experience so much more fun. I screened this movie from hbomax, and it was so beautiful to watch. If you like calming movies or/and Ghibli movies, this is a great one to check out.

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Creative mornings:

I’m so excited to be the next speak for Creative Mornings Chicago! The theme is Depth, and I’m going to explore the theme through the lens of my art journey/process. It is such an honor! If you’re in the area, registration goes live Monday 9/26at 9am. Here is the registration link - mark your calendars!

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Saying goodbye to patreon:

Just a week ago, I had a clear revelation that this month will be my last month doing Patreon. Who knows if I will resurrect it in the future, but for now it’s the right thing. This platform has been key to my journey as an artist/facilitator! It has funded SO MANY people of color so that they can access to spaces I hold, mentorships, and resources I’ve made available - while being compensated for my labor. I’ve released my “Healing through art for Black and Brown Folx” here. I’ve captured every month of my life since January of 2018! I’ve released so many art phone wallpapers! It’s been very fulfilling to be able to share and hear feed back from so many of you.

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for support me! I’m not going shut down Patreon fully, because there are some of you who want to support me despite not receiving my Journal entries and wallpapers. The funds will still support my art and those who are in my mentorship program that need financial support. If that's you, no need to do anything. If you want to opt out, you can cancel your subscription in your pattern account. Thank you again!!

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bittersweet:

It’s sad to close this chapter. But I’m excited with what’s going to come next. Please stay in touch with me on my instagram! Bye!

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: July

Recovering:

The past few months have been so intense! July isn’t void of intensity, but I feel like for the most part of this month I’ve been recovering and taking in the beauty of Chicago summer. I’ve been trying to slow down, savor the weather, and just enjoy.

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Blooms in totes:

Last month I shared that my friend Gabby and I organized Blooms in Totes - an organizer for Chicago Abortion Fund. It happened and we raised $1280 for the fund! I’m so thankful for everyone who was involved in the project and also to those who purchased the totes. It encouraged me to remember that there are so many ways to show up for the community on any level and scale. It all counts. Excited for future collabs!

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BAck at it:

Remember when I made sourdough bread every week? I made my first loaf for the first time in awhile, and it reminded me how grounding the practice is. The whole process of being attentive to the rhythm and having a home day felt so good. And I’m happy to report that my sourdough starter is healthy! Looking forward to prioritizing making bread more!

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Art thoughts:

I’ve been thinking alot about the relationship with my facilitating and personal art practice. So much of how I hold space is fed by how I hold space for myself - and being in tune with the collective. Questions I ask myself are: How can I practice what I teach more? How can I extend compassion to myself at the same time? How can I receive from my community? How can I practice interdependence with my community? How can art be a container for healing + connection? How can I facilitate in a way that helps folks to tap into what they already embody?

A big question is how can I prioritize using art for my enJOYment? Not to prove anything. Not to convince myself of anything. But to experience contentment, fun, joy, rest through making art.

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Chinatown:

Chinatown Chicago is pretty far from where I live, but this month I’ve made it down there twice! The first time was to meet some friends for dim sum and then went to Poetic Platforms - where there was a beautiful performance in front of the blue mural. I was so inspired by the murals that were in Ping Tom Park. So I decided to go down there for a second time a few days ago with a friend that’s in town. We had soup dumplings and pastries from a Chinese bakery. It feels good to be around people that look like me and to enjoy good food. I’m thinking I need to make it more of a rhythm to make it to Chinatown.

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Books:

All about love by bell hooks

Still working my way through it for the second time very slowly and thoroughly.

portrait of a thief by grace d. li

Just started getting into it! I like the storyline so far, but the writing isn’t my favorite.

the school for good mothers by jessamine chan

Almost done with this book! It’s a really fascinating book, and I recommend it!

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TV series:

The rehearsal

I stumbled on this new tv show, and it was surprisingly clever and entertaining. It explores the lengths one man will go to reduce the uncertainties of everyday life. With a construction crew, a legion of actors, and seemingly unlimited resources, Fielder allows ordinary people to prepare for life’s biggest moments by “rehearsing” them in carefully crafted simulations of his own design.

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Stitching abolition:

A friend brought me do this incredible exhibit called “Stitch by Stitch” that is a 3 day abolitionist quilting convention. The pieces were so beautiful and told powerful stories. I’m excited to see more from them!

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relational transitions:

Relationship with my partner (of almost 3 years) have been really challenging in this season. Our struggle is how to maintaining + grow our relationship when there is very little capacity in the face of challenge. For me, I’m learning how to both show up for myself and have my needs met with my partner. Nothing is cut and dry - there is so much nuance, and things can get so confusing. But I feel like we are at the turn of a new season. Hope this one will be filled with more connection and ease. The photo above is the few from his new apartment! I’m looking forward to having more time with the lake.

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birthday gift:

I treated myself with this vintage watch with interchangeable color rings! It felt really good to invest in a piece I’ll hopefully have for a long time. Leo season is my fav! Can’t wait to celebrate more in August!

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intentions for august:

Is to celebrate well! Celebrate life and all of it’s complexity + beauty. Celebrate relationships that keep me grounded and feeling loved. Celebrate the journey that I’m so privileged to be on. Hope you can join me in celebrating the things in life that deserve celebration!

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: June

It was a long month:

May was heavy and June didn’t get easier. I felt like we lived a year in these two months! Roe v. Wade was overturned…even though it wasn’t a surprise, it’s still terrifying. My partner and I were on a two month break to reassess things, which was needed - but was heartbreaking. Admist all the grief and heaviness, I had some really beautiful moments. Moments that made me feel really proud of who I’ve become. Moments where I was able to get grounded enough to enjoy the still summer sky and walks around my neighborhood. And that’s life I guess! A constant combination of horrifying and beautiful things.

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painting + healing:

I’ve been really like painting again! I’m slowly working on two pieces that resembles quilts. As I was and am processing my relationship, I was confronted about how there are so many ways to stitch together a narrative. All which aren’t untrue. My tendency is to try to make sense of everything…like everything up - so that I can feel better. Like that will help me figure out the future. It’s so easy to obsess and ruminate over every little thing, and then come to some simplistic conclusion. But the more I heal and grow, I learn that the constantly trying to learn how/why people do what they do - is a coping mechanism. Intellectualizing everything is me trying to find predictability. What I think or learn about can be helpful and true, but ultimately isn’t what will give me peace. Showing up for myself, being vulnerable to my community, taking ownership over my choices - that is what will ultimately give me the fulfillment I’m looking for. It’s so hard though! Because it is way easier to focus on other people and what they aren’t doing right. Anyways, painting has been helpful to slow me down and remind my body to enjoy what is in front of me.

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back stoop:

I’ve been spending alot of needed time alone on the weekends. One of my favorite things to do is to get out my camping chair and place it on my stairway landing. It’s my make shift porch, and I love it! I bring out my big bottle of water, my journal, and a few books. The best thing is that I can hear so many birds from there. They are living their best life! I saw a tiktok explained how it’s so good for our nervous system to listen to birds, because the birds are singing - it means that they feel safe. So it sends our nervous system the signal that we are safe too. Being outside on my back stoop is a small thing that has made a big difference in how I enjoy my week.

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Fundraiser for chicago abortion fund:

My friend Gabby and I organized Blooms in Totes - an organizer for Chicago Abortion Fund before Roe v. Wade was overturned. We had no idea that the timing would be so synchronistic. It makes me so angry that so many people were celebrating such an atrocious decision - including so many christians that I’ve aligned myself to in my past. For them to think that this act of violence of taking away bodily autonomy + healthcare will help people…makes me sick. Even if they think that fetuses are have souls, the fact that there are less abortions when there is access to reproductive care/clinics…it’s obvious that they don’t care about babies or those who can get pregnant. It makes me more energized to allocate my time + resources to protecting our communities. If you want to donate to Blooms in Totes (even if you can’t buy one), you can do that on my website.

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Asian Slaw:

I’ve been eating the same slaw all month, and I love it! It keeps in the fridge. It’s crunchy, aromatic, tangy. It’s super easy to make! All you have to do is mix together shredded cabbage + carrots and chop up green onions + cilantro. The vinaigrette is miso paste, white wine vinegar, sugar, fish sauce, soy sauce, and sesame oil. Toss it all together and sprinkle some crushed roasted peanuts - and it’s all good to go. I’ve added it to tacos, eaten it over rice, ate it as a salad…it’s the perfect summer salad!

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Book:

disorientation by elaine hsieh chou

I finished this book! 10/10!!! Add it to your list. I loved every bit of it!

All about love by bell hooks

Working my way through it for the second time very slowly and thoroughly.

portrait of a thief by grace d. li

I just started it, and I can tell it’s going to be a fun read!

the school for good mothers by jessamine chan

I’m about half way through the book, and I’m hooked! The book begins like it’s set in our real world, but as it continues you realize it’s actually in a dystopian world. It’s made me think alot, and I’m looking forward to the twists that I feel coming up.

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Documentary series:

keep sweet: pray and obey

This terrifying documentary examines the rise of Warren Jeffs in the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and his shocking criminal case. It’s filled with sickening acts of violence against children. I think it fascinates me (along with all cult documentaries), because it shows how cults and organized groups maintain their culture and how they protect their leaders. It helps me make sense of the evangelical church, because it has so many similar themes. The atrocities are different and less extreme, but the way they indoctrinate children and adults is the same.

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what has been bringing me joy:

As I mentioned in the beginning, in-between the grief an the tears, I’ve been trying to stay present with the sweet and beautiful moments.

1. Most Thursday evenings, I’ve been dropping by my local farmers market on my way home. Seeing familiar faces has been really heart warming. With one farmer, I’ve been telling them how I’ve been cooking their veggies.

2. Making videos on tiktok/IG that summarize my week

3. This incredible porcini pasta from Caro Mio

4. Picking mulberries from the side of the road and then seeing this beautiful view of the river over the bridge

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collaborations:

It has also been bringing me so much joy to collaborate with a dear friend of mine. Peregrine is an incredible artist/healer/herbalist, and they are raising funds for their herbalism clinical training in Brooklyn. We came up with two totes and a t-shirt with Peregrine’s own illustrations. They came out so awesome!! All proceeds go to Peregrine’s training - you can buy the tees + totes here!

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one day at a time:

Staying present. Staying hydrated. Wishing you all lots of love in this season! One more thing, if you’re in Chicago area, I’m teaching a meditative watercolor class with Volition Tea on July 23rd. There will be painting and a tea brewing portion - it’s going to be a very soothing session. Check out the workshop and get your tickets!

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: May

heavy:

May has been real rough. Such deep grief from the Buffalo and Uvalde massacres - and so many more shootings. Such deep grief of the systems in place that uphold exploitation and harm people. Such deep grief of the state of things right now. I know too many people telling me friends and family they have lost from suicide. I find myself rushing away from sitting with the feelings, because it’s too constant and too much. I’m also facing some big questions in my relationships that are honest and difficult that is lined with so many layers of grief. But as much as I want to run away from feeling my personal and our collective grief, I always return to the fact that I’m not alone. I have such a rich system of support that’s interdependent. However overwhelming everything is, I have a community that takes care of each other - and I’m so thankful for that.

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Grounding:

Pretty much every night of May, I’ve been having this routine that has been giving me joy. I have a big bowl of cara cara oranges that I eat in bed. Those oranges were SO sweet and juicy. I put them in the fridge so they become incredibly refreshing when I cut them up. It’s a silly little thing, but my bowl of night oranges helped me through this month.

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Deadlines:

I was invited to participate in an AAPI market - it has been awhile since I’ve done art for any type of showing. It was almost relieving to have that deadline, because it helped focus my energy on being present. I was reminded how I really thrive off of having more structure. I feel like I’m always on this journey of releasing myself from capitalistic pressures while leaning into healthy structures. It’s so tricky! Because my capacity is constantly moving. I’m displaying art in a coffee shop in July - so I’ll be busy painting in June! I’ll keep you updated on how that goes.

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GOLDEN MARKET:

It was SO FUN being part of the AAPI Market hosted by Volition Tea + Guild Row! More than 400 people attended, and the food vendors sold out half way. It was really amazing to meet the other AAPI vendors and be around so many fellow AAPI community members. The camaraderie was beautiful. I sold alot of my totes, tees, and art. So very thankful to be supported!

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Art inspiration:

When life is busy and confusing and non stop, it takes extra intention to make space to create. And I find that when I finally do, inspiration doesn’t just come flowing - or at least not every time. In the past 2 weeks, I’ve been reminded that it’s ok if things don't come in a rush. It takes spaciousness to sit with what’s here. Extending myself patience is so need - and probably the one of the hardest thing to do. After a week of carving that space to sit with what I might want to explore, inspiration is creeping in…very slowly. I really resonate with the idea of “lined with grief” both in a concept and form. Where I am now, is that I’m not bogged down with that “theme” but it’s a piece that might make other ideas flow. If my mind/body is perked up by something, I’m committed to following that inspiration. So who knows where this will go! We will see what I come up in June.

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Book:

disorientation by elaine hsieh chou

I haven’t finished it yet, but WOW - YOU HAVE TO READ THIS BOOK - especially if you’re interested in the Asian American experience. It explores themes of being an asian American woman in relations with academia, white people - white men, leftist politics, immigrant parents. The tone of it is really refreshing and surprising. I think the thing that captures me is that the protagonist isn’t a “woke” character, but she is maneuvering her identity in a very honest way…and funny way. It’s so good!

All about love by bell hooks

I am re-reading this book! It feels right to revisit it, and it’s hitting in a new and needed way. Love when books come in to your life at the right time.

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Documentary series:

The way down on hbo

I watched the most fascinating documentary! It’s about a Remnant Fellowship, a weight-loss based Christian church, and its charismatic late founder Gwen Shamblin Lara. Having come from an evangelical christian background, I was SO familiar with everything in this documentary. It really shines a light on not only on this particular cult, but the cult of white evangelicalism in general. I would highly recommend this documentary if the themes of religion and weight loss is not triggering for you.

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Meditative watercolors:

I teach this workshop at Guild Row every month, and EVERY month it’s so refreshing. As a facilitator, I’ve had so many different experiences in teaching and holding space. This setting is so peaceful and folks come in so ready to explore and create - it’s a really enjoyable experience. If you’re in the Chicago area, come join me on June 11th! Here is the LINK to register.

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June is going to be easier:

Life ebbs and flows. Hope that June gives us all a breather and space to process + heal. Wishing you so much ease! (photo of me and Gus - pet sitting is the best!)

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: April

Sunkissed:

I’m coming to you this month much more sun kissed and energized. ALOT has happened in the past month and a week. I’m feeling the nuance of what is joyful and heavy and heartbreaking. I feel so deeply what we are moving through as a collective, and I’m more than ever relying on relationships in community to celebrate, maneuver through challenge, and grieve. Thank goodness for sunny days where we can soak in the sunshine and gain energy from nature.

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Reproductive justice:

I don’t have to tell you what’s happening right now. I’m shocked that I’m ever surprised at how fragile everything is…things that should be so basic. Coming from an evangelical christian background, I’m familiar with the rhetoric of how abortion is murder. Now that I’m not out of that world, it seems so wild to me how their hypocrisy of value of life is so obvious…and violent. This applies to everyone who is against safe abortions: Where is that energy in protecting women and trans folks in every way? Where is that energy in providing healthcare and community support for parents? Where is that energy in creating a system where parents’ mental/emotional/physical needs are met so that they don’t have to give up their kids? Now I’m on a tangent, but there’s all this talk about adopting kids…what about providing households resources so that communities can stay together? - especially the Black and brown ones. You can’t be “pro-life” and pick and choose what form of life you care about. We all need to stand together and advocate for abortions, because making it illegal will only make the safe ones unaccessible. There are so many more reasons, but that one is the most basic one that everyone should be able to agree on. I am donating to Chicago Abortion Fund, but I encourage you to donate to the local organizations in your area.

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Chinese community:

I made a few new friends recently! We went on an outing to Chinatown where we got dim sum at MingHin and then we went to the Chinese American Museum of Chicago. All five of us are Chinese, and the best part of it was that these friendships are intergenerational. It made my heart so happy hearing all the stories swapped about our parents, ancestry, identities, and relationship with language. The two older women talked about folks that they recognized featured in the museum archives, because they both grew up in Chinatown. So honored to have spent the day with this group of women. I can’t wait to cultivate deeper relationships in this community.

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Meditative watercolor workshop:

I had the honor of leading a class with Annie from Volition Tea. It was so enjoyable having the participants wake up their senses through the process of brewing tea and channeling their inspiration into painting. Feeling their energy become relaxed as well as sparked with creativity is my favorite part. If you want to join me, I’m hosting another workshop (without Annie sadly) on May 14 - you can get tickets HERE.

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Spay by madison fiedler:

The day before my trip I went to see this play at the Rivendell Theatre, and WOW. It was really powerful. I miss live theatre, and it really reminded me the magic of theatre. The whole play was electric and intentionally tense - even though it was heavy and sad, I loved the impact it had as well as the message.

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San Diego:

It’s been close to a year since I’ve traveled, and it was quite an adjustment for me. I had anxiety leaving the comforts of Chicago and my partner on top of COVID anxiety. But once I was on my way, the anxieties subsided thankfully. It was really good seeing my dear friends and catching up on everything. I made it to the beach on my first day, and made my way there almost all 5 days. The Pacific Ocean will always have my heart. Watching the waves and the surfers was so good for me. I had really amazing food the whole time - tacos at the beach was my absolute favorite! It might seem weird to say about a vacation, but I’m proud of myself for venturing out by myself and for taking a break. Life feels like there are so many overwhelming challenges - I want to continue to the practice of pausing and enjoying things that are accessible.

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HAt:

This packable sunhat from BAGGU (I have the beige color) was really handy on my trip. It folds into a small bag that was so easy to slip into my bag. When I was on the beach, it was perfect for shading my face especially on the hotter days. Also from BAGGU, I use the large nylon crescent bag every work day - I can’t fit my laptop and lunch in it, and I think it’s so cute! They don’t have the large size on the site, but if you ever see it - snatch it up.

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books:

the ones we were meant to find by joan he

I finally finished this book! It was entertaining, but I honestly wouldn’t recommend it. The cover really captured me - however the storyline and writing wasn’t my favorite.

disorientation by elaine hsieh chou

I’m started this book and am 5 chapters in and I’M HOOKED. It’s made me laugh audibly, and I’m captivated. I’m excited to continue reading this book! I already know I’m going to recommend it.

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golden market:

I’m so honored to be part of this AAPI market! If you’re in the area, please come by support AAPI businesses and say hi to me! The line-up is really incredible - so much good food and art. Click HERE for the ticket link! If you can’t make it, support me by checking out my More Liberation shop.

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Movie:

I don’t have to say much because you all have seen this movie already. I watched it twice in the theatre’s and it hit me right in the heart both times. ICONIC.

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new energy:

Things are warming up and I’m looking forward to more sunshine and boba! Now that I’ve been back for a few days from my trip, things are moving fast. I’m excited to share more things in store for me next time!

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: March

Aries season:

I love this season! I’ve been feeling more energized and motivated to take care of myself and plan for the future. Spring always calls me to shift and take another look at the bigger picture. Definitely feeling into activating my own power - very Aries vibes! As the snow is clearing and the new leaves and buds are peeking through, I feel in sync with this season in knowing that there are always moments and seasons where growth and blooming will happen.

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question I’ve been asking myself:

How do I stay in the present and enjoy the beauty of today WHILE I invest in my future self + our collective vision? It feels so easy to be so hopeless about the future sometimes…the earth is literally dying and capitalism/white supremacy/the whole oppressive system seems to be always winning. I find it so hard to keep grounded in knowing and believing that I get to experience pleasure, love, enjoyment, joy while keeping my eye on the bigger vision of our collective liberation.

Right now I’m on a financial journey in finding stability and investing in a future. And honestly, I feel like an alien looking at these creatures creating all these imaginary rulers of value that ultimately creates scarcity and suffering…when there’s enough to go around. It feels silly to be investing under these constructs, BUT at the same time - I deserve to thrive and not be worried about providing for myself. Capitalism wants me to be exploited and barely surviving so I can’t experience joy and can’t be in interdependent relationship with my community. So resistance could looks like investing in my retirement and being strategic with my money. It’s a struggle. More updates on this next time.

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Sourdough:

Are you sick of reading about my sourdough journey yet? I’m still going strong! So I hope not!

I had some ricotta on hand so I made these ricotta sourdough discard pancakes, and they were GOOD. I will be making these again 100%.

Making sourdough bread is still very fun! It helps me feel grounded, because I have to be at home for a full day - and it’s a good way for me to be away from screens and use my hands. It also is so nice to have a delicious breakfast every morning. Recently, I’ve been making 7 minute eggs and eating it on sourdough toast with some mayo and salt + pepper. Very satisfying.

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wordle:

My wordle daily routine is still going strong. I just needed to show you all how ridiculous march 30th’s world was for me.

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Art inspiration:

I went to the Art Institute recently with a dear friend from out of town, and it was a needed refresher of inspiration. Having been to many museums over the years - especially the Art Institute - I’ve become so much more confident in knowing what I like. I’m really not interested in most things there, but I know what draws me in and holds my attention. There was this (new to me) exhibit featuring Ray Johnson’s work, and it sparked my love for collage work with multimedia. It reminds me of the work I did in 2019 - I’ll insert a photo below of a piece I did under a project I did called “Intersectional Fridays,” where I interviewed activists/educators of color about their identity + intersectionality - and made pieces inspired by them.

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more liberation etsy shop:

I’ve been feeling more energy about my shop recently! So I’m going to go with it while it’s still there. I want to add more fun designs in the next few weeks. So keep your eyes peeled! Also, I got my first whole sale account - they are a cafe in Toronto! It was very exciting to see my products in an actual space for the first time.

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the most exciting news:

Some how my Sandra Oh quote shirt that I designed ended up in a interview between Besea.n and SANDRA OH. I died. Watch the clip here! Also Turning Red was amazing!! I can’t wait to watch it again!

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Music:

I’ve listened to Rosalía’s new album MOTOMAMI on repeat at least 30 times in a row. CANDY and COMO UN G are my two favorite songs!

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restaurant:

Kabobi Grill

I live very close to Kabobi, but I haven’t been there for awhile. When my friend was in town, we ate there - and I forgot how incredible the food is there! If you’re near Albany Park, you have to get food there. We ordered two traditional Persian dishes and got it with rice…everything was perfect. After dinner, we grabbed baklava next Dukan International Food Market. So perfect!

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when challenges arise:

My partner is in a challenging season where multiple people in his immediate family are sick, and so his energy and time have been with them - as they should be. I’ve been thinking so much about who we choose to love, and how things have a certain weight when we choose who we want to be in relationship with when things get hard. Romantically or platonically. I feel honored to have this relationship and that it is strong even when things are incredibly scary. Even though things are solid, I’ve been confronted with needing to constantly regulate and utilize my mental health resources so that I can have my needs met while can support him how he needs. Slowly but surely, I’m learning how to come to acceptance with what I can’t change, and activate my agency for what I can.

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In this new season, I’m stepping into:

(I shared this on Instagram)

🍊 Following my menstrual cycle with more intention. Slowing down when my body is needing more rest + gentleness, and bringing more movement + creating when my body is energized.

🍊 Returning to the kindest words and tone when I speak to myself.

🍊 Making art for pure pleasure.

🍊 Taking more walks and making it fun - instead of it feeling like a chore.

🍊 Daring to dream more about what life can be for us as a collective - liberated from capitalism, patriarchy, white supremacy, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.

🍊 Doing my individual part of dismantling systems of oppression, and believing there’s power in “small” and big ways we go against it.

🍊 Seeing what is here, and feeling gratefulness in my body.

---

Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: February

yo-yo Energy:

Even though it’s still winter and it snowed pretty much all February, there’s a new energy in the air. It’s a combination of looking forward to spring, the pandemic seemingly to be calming down, and also a heaviness from the war in Ukraine. The weather in Chicago has been going between freezing, heavy snow, and “warm” sunny days. And collectively I think we are also experiencing this yo-yo affect. I know I have. It takes capacity to hold the nuance of things, and giving myself permission to feel all of the feels. It makes sense! There is alot happening and it’s not all one note. And that’s ok.

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sourdough journey Continued:

February was month two of making bread! I made two batches of bread. Visually they look very similar to last month, but smell and taste-wise…SO so so much more fragrant and sourdough-y. I wish you can smell it! It has this tang that I was missing last month. Something different I did was use a combo of AP flour and rye flour to feed my sourdough starter. Also, I’ve also noticed that having a slice almost every morning has been so good - my digestion has been great and energy levels have been steady.

Sourdough discard:

My goal is to try different discard recipes every month, and in February I tried making fried bread. It was incredibly delicious! I put green onions in it along with some other savory spices. Next month I might try sourdough discard pancakes!

Last thing about bread

One main factor for my success in making sourdough bread is my fermentation corner. I have a few radiators in my space, and I designated the one in the main room of my studio to be where I proof everything. If it’s a bit chilly, I put the blanket over my bowls/jars to keep them very warm. I think it makes all the difference.

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Veggies:

Honestly, I’ve been struggling eating greens this winter. All I want is hot cheesy carbs (which is so great and I don’t feel bad for eating it.) But veggies are delicious and my body loves them! So this month, I made this delicious simple smashed marinated cucumber dish, which helped me ingest more greens. How I made these cucumbers: combine smashed cucumbers, rice wine vinegar, soy sauce, sesame oil, honey, garlic, green onions, and cilantro. (If I had gochugaru, I would definitely have added it in too.) It’s so good over rice!

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Therapy:

Big changes are happening. For a few weeks, my therapist has been subtly nudging me to consider meeting biweekly. I was VERY opposed to it at first. Then eventually, I saw her point. For a while now, I’ve been coping with challenges really well. I’ve been working with my body to regulate and really trusting myself in a gentle way. This past week was a first time seeing her on the new biweekly rhythm, and I was ok! Things came up that were hard and there was activation, but I got through them well and had plenty of support. This is a big deal, because I’ve had weekly therapy for awhile. I’m reminded that therapy is tool to get to a point where I can face challenges together with my community - in a way that’s utilizing my internal wisdom as well as all the resources that I’ve surrounded myself with. I’m so very thankful to be in this place. It might not be forever, but for now I celebrate it.

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more liberation etsy shop:

I have new embroidered shirts in the shop! The t-shirts are SO soft. I have the grey/orange one and the pink/yellow one, and I wear them all the time.

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Reading:

I usually have a book that I read, and this month I don’t have a book to report about. I felt slightly guilty as I was reflecting on that earlier, but I caught myself. Why would I feel guilty? That’s self inflicted! So as I’m continuing to practice self gentleness and compassion, and I’m also practicing giving myself permission to flow with the seasons. Reading didn’t pique my interest this month, but other things did.

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Having fun:

So instead of reading, I’ve been playing this game on the Switch. It is SO FUN! The story is interesting, the visuals are beautiful, and it rides the perfect balance with being peaceful and stimulating. It’s a really nice way to wind down at the end of the day. Or play for a bit on a cozy weekend. I highly recommend this game if you have a Switch!

Also, I’m still playing WORDLE every day, and I love it!

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movie:

Licorice Pizza

Aside for the fact that this is a very white movie (boo), I really enjoyed it haha. It’s a coming of age movie that was funny, beautifully shot, and has great acting.

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kids bday party:

I facilitated a kids watercolor art station at a birthday party - even though it was chaotic at times, it was so fun watching the creative processes of children around 4 years old. It reminded me to inject more fun into my art process. Those kids didn’t care about timelines and cohesiveness. They popped in and out of creating whenever they wanted, and they created whatever they wanted! Some of them enjoyed the sensation of painting and using glitter glue sticks. Some liked painting things they liked. And not one of them were that concerned about following the prompt. So natural!

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Thankful:

Feeling grateful for the abundance I feel in capacity. If you’ve followed along for awhile, you know I (and we) have been through some really intense seasons. When things feel a bit less intense, I like to pause and to soak it in. Sending lots of love to you wherever you are in your season.

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: January 2022

Wintering + bread making + pandemic:

January has felt long and slow, but as you’ll see I found a few ways to cope! At the beginning of each year, I usually feel so much energy and inspiration. This year is different - it’s probably because my body realizes that we are in year three of the pandemic. It’s so tiring to be up against this pandemic on top of all of its affects ON TOP of all the usual challenges of life personally and systemically. And I know we all feel it in different ways. With the surge of omicron, there were and are so many embodied echos of pandemic anxiety from 2020. I’m trying my best to keep things moving with lots of self compassion…thank goodness for bread.

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sourdough journey:

This month was the start of my exploration with sourdough starter! The process was way more involved than I expected, but I love how it slows me down. As I’m home all day, the sourdough bread process helps me from sliding into my winter depression. Especially during Jan/Feb, it doesn’t take much for me to start feeling down and lose the whole day in bed (which is totally ok and needed sometimes.) Watching the whole process over a full day (and a half) is so fulfilling. I’m definitely hooked now! I’m looking forward learning more ways to apply the sourdough starter. So stay tuned.

If you’re interested in starting, this is the recipe I use and the YouTube video I watched that goes with it.

week 1 (of trying my hand at sourdough bread making):

It was a nice first try - but not totally successful, because I mixed up some steps and didn’t use fully activated starter! Either way, I learned alot and still ate the entire dense loaf. It was delicious! One of my favorite ways to have toast is with ricotta cheese, roasted cherry tomatoes, flaky salt and pepper. SO GOOD.

week 2:

I teared up when it came out like this! I wasn’t expecting it to work out like how it did. It was so satisfying to see it all come together at the end! I wish you could smell and taste it…it’s so fragrant and the texture is amazing. Crusty and crunchy on the outside and bouncy on the inside.

As I was prepping the starter, I made these cheddar crackers from the discard:

week 3:

I applied what I learned from week 1 + 2, and I got to have more fun in the design for round 3! The texture was even better than the second week. I enjoyed it with cream cheese and smoked salmon. OMG divine! Now that I think I can count on the consistency of the bread, I’m excited to start gifting them to my friends. As I try more recipes, I’ll be sharing them with you, and if you have any that you love - please send them my way.

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more liberation etsy shop:

Last summer I started a little project on the side, and now it’s become something that brings me so much joy and helps sustain my work. As it is Black History Month, I wanted to highlight that for all my BLM merch 100% of the proceeds goes to a Black organization and for the next few months - it will be going to Englewood Arts Collective. This will be active not only February, but for as long as I run the shop. As a non-Black POC, I believe it’s important to do my best to do my part in not commodifying the BLM movement while doing my own personal work in confronting internalized anti-Blackness. If you haven’t checked it out recent, visit MoreLiberation!

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anchors:

ALOT of work and movement is happening in therapy. As unpredictable things are popping up, I sometimes struggle in projecting fears prompted by past traumas onto my partner. I’m always looking for signs and similarities from my past in order to be prepared. And in so many ways I have compassion for myself, because I want to learn from my past - and I’m doing my best in protecting myself. But sometimes those guards can get in the way with what’s really here. So my therapist and I have been actively working on having anchors to remind me of what is here and real. Such as photos of my partner and I at the beach when things DID work out and remembering the way he meets me and is so rarely defensive when I bring up things. Another anchor is going through a list of ways that what is here is different from what has happened - instead of fixating on the similarities. Sometimes it’s so hard to be connected to the present reality, but I’m so thankful for people and resources in my life that helps me stay grounded.

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Wordle:

I was introduced to WORDLE a few weeks ago, and now almost everyone that I know plays it! It’s so fun. I do it every morning, and I love that it’s a simple/short game - and I can talk about it with friends!

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book:

The ones we’re meant to find by joan he

I’ve been listening to this book as I was the dishes and other house chores. I’m committed to it now, but I have to say that it’s not on my top list of books. If you like young adult literature and dystopian narratives, you might like it!

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meditative watercolor workshop at guild row:

I taught my first workshop of the year three weeks ago, and it was so refreshing to start the year with the group. I always feel the participants ready to release control and play. If you’re in the Chicago area, the next one is on February 19 11:00am-1:00pm! Register here (proof of vaccination required + masked during the session).

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happy wintering:

Hope you find rest and warmth during this season. Dance + sing when there’s energy - and laugh with your chosen family. Sending lots of love!

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: December

We made it!:

We did it. 2021 was wild to say the least! First, I want to say thank you for being a patron and supporting me. I’m able to do what I do because of you all, and I am so very thankful. Wishing you and your loved ones a healthy and happy new year!

In true journal form, I’m going to be recapping 2021 as well as December.

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Year end review:

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been going through my journal starting from December 2020 and making notes of what each month was like. And it reminded me how rough it was the first half of the year was and how much more capacity/energy I gained the second half.

Here are some lows:

• Pandemic anxiety + depression that really froze me in the winter/spring

• My family crisis/trauma

• My partner’s own family crisis and health issues

• Being alone for long periods before being vaccinated

• Financial stress at the beginning of the year

And here are some highs:

• Coming out of my anxiety/depression and finding new energy post vax

• Getting vaccinated + boosted

• Reconnecting to friends in person

• Facilitating my BIPOC art workshops, Create Together, art + healing mentorships, and watercolor workshops

• Deepening my relationship with my partner and healing my abandonment wounds

• Moving upstairs

• Finding work/life/art balance in the past few months

• Financial stability

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A little peek into my Spotify Wrapped!

One 2021 Lesson:

I’ve learned alot this past year, but learning how to make decisions from self integrity was a big one. I will be carrying this lesson along with me into 2022 and hopefully deepen it.

What I mean is - Integrity to not allow self exploitation or exploitation of others in every aspect of life (to the best of my ability), because capitalism/white supremacy will always demand exploitation. 2021 taught me through missteps and triumphs that making decisions from the source of my values is always worth it. I’ve worked for myself and others for way less than what my labor deserved, and when it happened - I wasn’t in integrity or consent with myself. I felt sick to my stomach when that happened. While there is so much understanding and self compassion to be extended, I am strengthening my core so that I can advocate for myself and others.

This applies to work, but it also applies to my creative process. When I’m clear and focused about why I’m doing art, it clears the way for me to not only do art that fulfills me - but gives me self permission to truly take care of myself. Then, when my needs are met, I can decide where I should put my energy. Whether it’s in reciprocal relationships or creative projects or collaborative work.

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December:

This was a busy month! I feel like all of us were running around wrapping up the year - trying to not get or spread covid. I’m happy to say that I felt grounded and resourced despite the holidays being a hard time for me. I’ve been working alot between my own businesses and gig work that I’ve been really enjoying. The level of business was really good. The perfect amount of space to do art/rest/socialize/reflect and business that helps me not get frozen. My nervous system has served me so well this month and I’m so thankful for the resources I have to maintain my groundedness.

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more Petsitting:

Over Christmas week, I watched my friends’ sweet pets! Changing my environment for a few nights was helpful in helping me not to fall into a depressive slump. On Christmas Day, I had a friend over at the house, and it was so fun to watch xmas movies with pets. Thankful.

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freedom fighter herbs:

My dear friend Peregrine is an incredible herbalist/artist/healer, and they have this community offering for activists, educators, healers in the community. If you aren’t familiar with their work, check out their Patreon and support this community project. The picture above is the winter care pack I received from it.

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corporate Workshop:

It’s been almost two years since I’ve taught a corporate painting workshop! I led one in December, and it reminded me it’s helpful to have these kinds of gigs - because it’s an active way to redistribute resources. I need these bigger jobs in order to sustain my life so that I can pour my heart into the BIPOC community as well as my time and labor. If you have any leads of companies that would enjoy a meditative watercolor workshop, let me know!

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bipoc healing fund:

Talking about redistributing resources…As I am building and maintaining my Art + Healing Mentorship program, Create Together (BIPOC monthly gathering), and other workshops ( I have exciting plans for the new year). I continually need support to keep everything accessible for BIPOC and me paid for my labor. You - Patrons - have been crucial in keeping my work going and accessible, and I am so thankful!

Would you consider contributing to my BIPOC Healing Fund with a one time donation?

If yes, you can Venmo @tiffanywongart with the note “BIPOC Healing Fund”

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2022 intentions:

• Deepen self integrity in work and relationships

• Create more space for my art practice to flourish

• Cultivate deeper relationships with friends who have aligned values

• Continue to dismantle internalized capitalism/white supremacy

• Invest more into my local community in dismantling systems of oppression

• Take care and strengthen my body/spirit

• I would love to travel again!!!

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book:

minor feelings by cathy park hong

I’ve been sitting on this book for a while now, but I felt energy towards it finally. Just started! I will give you my thoughts next month.

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movies:

Only two note worthy movies for this month! A oldie but goody - Looper. And the Princess Switch movies are SO GOOD! Perfect holiday movies.

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create together:

The first one of 2022 is January 20! If you want to join, visit my website for more info and to register.

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Here’s to 2022:

This year will probably be wild ride! Thank you for following along with a bit of my journey. Excited to share more this year!

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: October

living and learning:

For those who have been following along through my Patreon journals, you’ve witnessed me in a deep freeze in this pandemic, start thawing this summer, and now I’ve passed the threshold where it’s a bit too much. FUN. But I think what’s going to make a difference this time around is extending self compassion. Life is this ebb and flow…sometimes its faster and sometimes is slower. I’m always taking in information that informs the future, and I already have so much embodied wisdom from my past that I can feel coursing through my veins. But even so - things are a bit too much right now.

How have you passed your threshold (you might ask)? I’ve said yes to too many things - working more and more gigs and side jobs. At first it felt invigorating and inspiring, but when the novelty wore down, what is left? I noticed that it’s very important for me to feel like my labor is respected and compensated fairly. When that isn’t happening, which is by my own doing by saying yes, personal resentment bubbled up. I wasn’t a full consensual yes with myself. I felt resentful for not valuing my labor first and foremost. Granted, this war isn’t just with myself, it’s with capitalism and how the systems of oppression profits off of exploitation of all kinds. This season and all it’s transitions has brought up so much within me about labor, value, capitalism, and my own sense of worthiness. All that to say, there’s room to make mistakes and to lose focus. But I’m here now, refocusing and keeping my eye on bottom line.

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the nervous system:

I want to celebrate how my nervous system has been doing even though things have felt challenging and tiring. I’m trusting the fluctuation of my nervous system from the body level. I’m not as scared when activation happens. I used to get panicked when I would get activated or triggered thinking that I might lose control. With more capacity, I’ve watched myself ride these big waves of grief and sadness - and naturally find grounding again. My therapist has commented multiple times in the past month how it has been so good witnessing more ease when it comes to the ups and downs of my nervous system.

Co-regulating with my partner has been so supportive too. Cuddling, eating good food, and watching a movie can go so far! I always leave him feeling settled in my body and confident about our connection. It’s so healing to have a relationship that helps me draw closer to my most authentic self.

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when there is capacity:

I think everyone has one of these: a never ending list of things you want to do once the regular maintenance things get done. Washing the inside and outside of my windows is on my list. And a miracle happened! I had a day to myself, and I took down my AC AND cleaned my windows. Feeling more sunshine flow through my windows and seeing more clearly the fall trees felt so good. The real miracle was that I had enough energy and inspiration to do it. I want to learn how to cultivate more mental/physical/emotional rest so that more days like that can happen.

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Watercolor workshop:

I led my second meditative watercolor workshop at Guild Row. Look at that beautiful light! It was a lovely group of participants, and I was reminded once again how doing art in person can be so supportive. The energy of the room was really powerful - it was obvious each person held their own intentions and allowed themselves to be curious and to play. That workshop was sold out, and November’s class is also sold out. So thankful!

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kombucha:

I’m on my second batch of kombucha! And this batch is infused with fresh blackberries and basil. I let this one sit for a few more days - so it’s a bit more vinegary, but I think it’s still very delicious. Next time I’m going to infuse with more berry juice or other flavoring. I’m thinking the next batch can be ginger and maybe cranberry.

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trusting the timing:

About a year ago, I wrote a very vulnerable letter to my partner. I had a powerful download from my ancestors through this talk with Adrienne Maree Brown and Sonya Renee Taylor. It was a clear message about one of my roles in my partner’s life. The message felt sacred to me, and at that time it felt too raw and vulnerable to share it with him. But when I was thinking about what I wanted to gift him, that card felt like the right thing. So for part of his gift, I shared the card I wrote a year ago. Reading it again, it felt more relevant and true than ever. One of my most favorite things about how we relate (and also frustrating sometimes) is the pace of our relationship - it isn’t rushed but over time things grow strong and deeper. As a Leo, I haven’t always vibes with it, but this season I have felt so emotional thinking about the love that’s there and growing stronger and steadier day by day. (Excuse my sappiness)

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cat-sitting:

I have the honor of cat sitting Morri for 3 weeks! He’s currently snoring next to me. The best!

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relationship with making art:

I mentioned self compassion at the start of this post and it applies to my relationship with making art. I’ve been so busy with all my gigs and jobs - so making art takes the back seat naturally. I choose to not let it burden me, because I trust that there will be a time again when I can create more. That’s the thing about seasons! This month I was extra thankful for Create Together - my BIPOC monthly gathering, because the mission of the gathering applies to me too. I made it to be a consistent place where we can make art for pleasure, play, and curiosity. And I really needed it this month.

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Podcast:

I didn’t read much this month, but I have been listening to podcasts alittle more. Recently, I’ve been making my way through Code Switch. Love this podcast so much! Can’t wait to listen to more episodes.

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black women matter:

This is spray painted across the bridge on Belmont ave near the intersection of Belmont and Western. I pass by it alot, and I love this public piece of art. As a non Black POC, every day I face my internalized anti-Blackness and actively work on rewiring my conditioning. I owe so much to Black women, Black trans folks, and Black activists/educators/organizers. There is nothing that I do that isn’t from the benefit of their labor.

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movie/show:

I watched this movie in the theater’s - the first time since the pandemic! I am such a big fan of Simu Liu from Kim’s Convenience. Loved seeing him in this movie!

Obviously I watched Squid Game! It was too violent for my taste, but it was thought provoking and incredibly creative.

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A new change:

I felt the urge to get bangs, and I did it! I cut them myself and then got the rest of my hair cut professionally - got rid of 7 inches. I feel lighter physically and energetically from this change. Hope you all are taking care of yourselves and receiving care from others too.

As the holidays are coming up, I hope you and your chosen family experience space for whatever that is needed - whether it’s grief, joy, celebration, peace, and any combination of the emotions.

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: September

New space new jobs:

September was a monumental month for me. I moved one story up in my building and am fully functioning in a a life that has lots of movement and much more social interaction than I’ve had since the beginning of the pandemic. Lots to process! Thankful for this time where I get to catch up you up on life while processing things for myself. As there have been more things on my schedule, I’m thankful for moments like captured in this photo: a quiet evening to myself with pink clouds against a blue sky outside of my kitchen window. Trying to enjoy the big and small celebrations in life.

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I moved!:

Since March of 2020 I have been extremely sensitive to any (ANY) noise my upstairs neighbor made. Every foot step triggered my nervous system. I was unfortunately highly attuned to their moving and sleeping patterns…and their energy in general. It was horrible! I wasn’t doing well mentally - so I developed (unbeknownst to them) this torturous relationship with them. I had to wear ear plugs and noice canceling head phones all day, which was very uncomfortable. I felt trapped. As my anxiety got better, the noise would be alittle less irritating and triggering. But over all, I was distressed about it ALL the time. So when a friend said they saw an upstairs apartment open up, I jumped on it. And it worked out!! I was able to move one floor up which was also the top floor of my building.

The process of packing was surprisingly soothing for me. It brought up alot of feelings and memories, because I combed through my things and got rid of alot of it. Felt so good!

So actually moving we really smoothly! It feels really good to not have too many belongings - so having a clean slate was really refreshing. Upstairs has exactly the same layout. Putting things away and making changes I’ve been wanting was just so satisfying.

Now that I’ve been in the new apartment for a month now, I have to say my mental health and sense of peace has unbelievable. The peace and quiet I’ve been enjoying has been bliss - I don’t want to take it for granted. Maybe next month I’ll upload some photos of my new place!

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Three workshops in a week:

A few months ago, I couldn’t have imagined leading in person workshops. I’m so thankful for the capacity to lead workshops as well as the opportunities to do so. In a span of a week, I taught my monthly BIPOC creative gathering Create Together, taught an in person watercolor workshop at Guild Row, and an in person BIPOC creative workshop for Soul Service. Create Together was extra tender this past session, and I feel confident that this offering is both what I have capacity for and that it resonates with folks. The watercolor workshop at Guild Row was also very sweet - everyone was so eager to learn and connect. It was nice to access the skills I had dormant for awhile. Lastly, Soul Service fed my soul. We were outside in a beautiful garden and the group was so ready to let their inner children be nourished. It was such an honor to be there! I felt so confirmed that this work is what I was meant to do.

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books:

Six crimson cranes by elizabeth lim

I listened to this book as I was packing and unpacking. It really hit the spot! The perfect mixture of fantasy, humor, suspense, and chinese traditions. I love when a book fits the setting and timing of my life.

My year abroad by chang-rae Lee

I just started this book a few days ago, and I’m intrigued. I’ll report back in a month!

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all the cuddles:

As you probably know, I’m a pet auntie to these three! I got to spend some sweet time with my friends’ pets this month. Morri the cat on the left slept on me as I led a workshop one day. And I got lots of bedtime cuddles from Bear (the dog) and Gus (the kitten) another night. Thankful for all the love!

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a break from the city:

My partner and I went to the burbs to celebrate my dear friend’s pre wedding Indian ceremony. Before we arrived, we took a quick stroll in a near by park, and this is what we saw. It was so beautiful! And the nalagu was really touching. I love celebrating love! So happy to see my friends being blessed by family and friends. It was also really special that I got to experience new things with my partner - being that we have spent the majority of our relationship in quarantine.

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kombucha:

It’s been many years since I’ve made kombucha! A friend gave me a scoby, and I started my first batch. It turned out amazing thankfully! I bottled it up and added some berry puree - and I’m really happy how it turned out. I’m thinking my next batch will be basil blackberry.

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small joys:

I bought myself a camping chair and have been perching it in my back stairway. When I’m home in the mornings, I have my coffee and journal outside. It’s simple, but this new option makes me so happy. Trying to soak in as much as the warmer mornings and evenings before Chicago winter hits.

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work work work:

I have many jobs. I run my own workshops, teach workshops for Univ. of Chicago (The Village), work front of house at Guild Row, run my etsy shop, and am a project based contractor at an AllKinds art studio.

Ever since thawing from pandemic depression, I have been experimenting on how can I thrive in my life emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially. I took on a job as front of house at Guild Row, and it really helped my mental health. I didn’t have to spend emotional energy like I do in holding space in my workshops - because, at least for now, I don’t have the capacity to do that all the time. But the downside is that the compensation cannot sustain my needs. I also started being a fabricator at AllKinds art studio, and while it is amazing to be working with my hands around other artists - it is clear the artists aren’t being accurately compensated for their skills and time.

Living under capitalism is crushing. I feel more and more strongly I want to figure out how to live with financial ease WHILE being able to take care of my well-being and not having my labor exploited. I already know, when I figure it out, society will want to punish me. Because when we can figure it out, those who profit from capitalism will be shaking in their boots.

When I talk about BIPOC liberation, this piece is a HUGE piece. I don’t want to grind until my health goes out just to make my bills, because when I have poor health and no energy - how can I invest in my community? How can I heal? How can I focus on dismantling this oppressive system? How can I thrive? I know that all those things can happen amongst great hardships, but resiliency isn’t cause for celebration. So while taking responsibility of the privileges I embody, I’m learning alot - in real life - how to be intentional about my finances and labor. Stay tuned.

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Docuseries “lularich”:

Talking about exploitation, this docuseries about LulaRoe goes into how MLM’s and pyramid schemes work. Essentially - how cults work. I’m fascinated by learning about cults of all kinds, because they are everywhere. I have seen how the church has adopted the same techniques as traditional cults. This docuseries spells out how enticing community and exclusivity can be, but in the end - the top people are the ones who profit. And everyone else who wants a slice of success pays the price. ALL - I mean EVERY - MLM is based on exploitation. Watching this series reminded me that I’m not above it. Even in this exposing documentary, I felt myself being sucked into how enticing it can be. Oh and not to mention how much racism exists in these cults. Exploitation will never exclude good ol racism.

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upcoming workshops:

Meditative workshop at guild row (in person):

I’m teaching another watercolor workshop at Guild Row! It will be on October 9 at 11:00 am. REGISTER HERE!

Create together

We will be virtually gathering on October 21 at 7:00 CST. For more info and to register visit my website!

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Thank you:

I appreciate your support so much. It makes a HUGE difference for me. If you know of anyone else who would want to support me in my art and work, please invite them to support me here on Patreon! <3

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: August

This was my month:

ALL THE LEO ENERGY! I love my birthday month, and I really felt its life yielding energy. It really gave me insight about how dark this pandemic has been on my mind/body/spirit. What I felt this month is a reminder that that isn’t the new norm. What I felt this month was a reminder of what it’s like to be me and flowing from a place of abundance. I experienced many things and worked a lot, but didn’t feel the threat of burnout or coming to the edge of my capacity. I’m so thankful to have many humans around me to celebrate life with as well as journey alongside each other when times are hard.

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art market at the martin:

I started this month doing my first art market in a long long time. I really enjoyed getting art made with a specific deadline and purpose - note to self have more things on the calendar that could help propel me to create. During the market, I had alot of fun chatting to friends and folks that came by as well as getting to know the artists from the other tables. It was a nice break from the solitude. I have some left over pieces for sale - if you’re interested please feel free to email me!

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More liberation - etsy shop:

You all have witnessed me being pretty secretive about my etsy shop! It’s still progressing and evolving quickly, but I feel more confident about my totes and tees. I have multiple projects brewing at the moment - ways it can continue to improve and be applied. I’m super excited to share with you all as they unfold! This opportunity is a big deal for me, because it is developing to be a great way of passive income - so that I can continue to do my art and facilitation work without burning out.

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book:

Six crimson cranes by elizabeth lim

I really needed a change of pace from last month’s books, and this book hit the spot. It’s a young adult fiction filled with magic, dragons, royalty, and charm. I highly recommend this book if you’re looking for an lighthearted yet engaging escape. I might try Spin the Dawn by the same author next.

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small joy:

For more than a month, I’ve been having this same smoothie pretty much every single day. I love it so much! Here’s what’s in it:

• 1 frozen banana

• handful of frozen berry blend (strawberries, blueberries, cherries)

• handful of spinach

• a spoonful of hemp seeds

• a spoonful of peanut butter

• a sprinkle of cinnamon

• a sprinkle of stevia

• oat milk and water

• topped with toasted oats

Usually it’s enough to have two full glasses - perfect for an afternoon snack. I love that it doesn’t hit my energy from spiking my sugar levels too much.

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my 32nd birthday:

I felt so loved my birthday and birthday week/month! I spent my birthday eating AMAZING food with people who love me and that I love. It was good to reflect on this past year and all that it held - challenging and beautiful and incredible and painful. And I expressed what my intentions are for this next year.

More abundance and more ease. Healing that embodies patience and invites my relationships to be part of it. Building financial stability under anti capitalism. Expanding my imagination and sense of thriving through art. Facilitating spaces that feel life giving both for participants and me.

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Birthday getaway:

My partner and I went to Michigan City for a small trip - he booked a cute airbnb by the beach, and it was such a restful getaway. I forgot how healing it is to be in water. We soaked in the summer sun and spent a long time in the cool water. We ate amazing food, spent time in the sun and water, and rested. Thankful for making memories with my partner - and to take a break from all the life things that feel so overwhelming and chaotic.

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cataloguing the good times:

After the trip with my partner, my next therapy session was processing how wonderful it went. It might sound silly, but I’m so conditioned to expect the worst to happen and to prepare for a multitudes of things that could go bad. Catastrophying - as my therapist names it. And the thing is…it’s from lived experience that bad and disappointing things do happen. As I’m healing, I’m practicing having a realistic vision and narrative of life: bad/disappointing things do happen AND wonderful and beautiful things also happen. When the bad/disappointing things happen, I’m also embodying the truth that it’s not a personal attack from the universe (definitely religious trauma mixed up in there).

My therapist had me describe how it felt to have such a relaxing, easeful, and nice time with my partner. So that when things are challenging, I can access times where things did work out.

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Embracing new things:

I had a client request new works of art in a style I did last spring, and it made me look back and reflect on things a year ago - so synchronistic. Usually I feel like I look back and kind of cringe, but this time I felt a sense of endearment. It brought me back to what I felt - the scary stillness of being alone along with so much grief and chaos. Art, for me, is such a snapshot of things and feeling beyond words.

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If you are BIPOC, you are invited to participate in this weekly summer series hosted by The #LetUsBreathe Collective and the #DefundCPD Campaign. I will be leading a session on September 19! If you’re in the occupied Chicago area, mark this in your calendar. I’m honored to be part of this series!

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Virgo season:

As much as I love Leo season, Virgo season is my other favorite season! I feel the energy of putting into motion what I’m dreaming about - putting systems in place so that I can thrive and continue the momentum. I’m so thankful for all of you for joining me in this wild journey. I’ve been doing Patreon for a good 2 years now and it continues to be life giving for me. Hope it is for you too!

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: July

Scary/exciting changes:

Last month I wrote about this new summer energy and how I’m finally in a more expansive place. July has been an even more expansive month…and even if I dare say…busy?? I have alot more capacity, but it’s scary to feel like things are close to how things were before the pandemic. I’m trying to take time to slow down and reflect on this transition.

The truth is things aren’t the same as before the pandemic, because I’ve learned and changed so much in this past year. My body knows what it feels like to truly in tune with reality, and I’ve practiced pengulating between what feels challenging and what feels familiar/safe. This new season is just a swing in the other direction - from the contraction of the pandemic into the expansion of going back into the world. No matter what, I’ll always find home in myself and can always come back when things feel too much.

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Art institute:

At the beginning of the month I visited the art institute with a friend. It was really weird to be back at the art institute for the first time since before the pandemic! It was cool to see the Obama portraits, but the highlight was the Bisa Butler exhibit. It was seriously incredible! If you’re in Chicago, you need to go see this exhibit ASAP. The exhibit will only be there until September!

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More ways to have fun:

A few months ago, I was consistently writing to my inner child in my journal. Reminders about how I see her and give her reminders about her worth. The reason I was writer to my inner child every day was because I realized how I mostly paid attention to her when things were difficult. I wanted to build a habit where I gave her my presence and love regardless if things were challenging or easeful.

Recently, I’ve let go of that habit because things are shifting and are alot busier. So I was thinking about other ways I can incorporate my inner child into my life. Painting my nails fun colors and letting my inner child pick what they like has been a new way of joy. I’m learning how to pivot and be more curious of the many ways I can take care of myself and experience this life with joy.

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books:

Yolk by H.k. Choi

And i’m still reading it! I’ve definitely haven’t had much a chance to read recently, but when I do have time, this is my go to.

Crying in h mart by Michelle Zauner

Finished this one! SO MANY TEARS. I honestly had to take so many breaks, because it was bringing up so many emotions for me. I HIGHLY recommend this book!

All about love by bell hooks

Put it on the shelf this month, but definitely picking it back up for August! L

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Makers Marketplace at The Martin:

It has been a long time since I’ve done an art market, but I’ll in one on August 8! If you’re in Chicago, you should drop by The Martin (and get brunch at Split-Rail) and say hi to me! I will be there with some art a few tote bags (these two designs below will be available) from my etsy shop from 11:00-2:00pm. You can find more info and RSVP here if you’re planning on coming by.

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Food:

A new Mexican restaurant very close to where I live, and I finally checked it out recently. I won’t name the restaurant, because it will pretty much give away my address - but I’m happy to have yummy tacos so close to me as well as a restaurant with outdoor seating. Can’t wait to take advantage of this place while it’s still beautiful out.

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new old bike:

I still need to de rust my bike alittle bit more, but I got my old bike that I haven’t used in 2+ years fixed up. I’m really excited to be back to biking! I have a new part time gig that is just two miles south of me, and I get to ride along the river trail part of the way. It’s going take a bit for my body to get used to biking again, but I have a feeling it’s going to help with my mental health.

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Mental health:

Talking about mental health, my somatic therapist has been really supportive as I’m maneuvering some challenging things in my family. This month has been an opportunity for me to continue to practice trusting my body. I’ve been experiencing alot of dissociation from things being too overwhelming events that are spaced too close together. It’s hard to integrate and process things when things feel like they are changing too rapidly. So my body/nervous system is coping by giving distance from the things at hand. And so I’m practicing being compassionate with my system and being understanding. This is part of the process. I’m not actively pushing down my emotions or running away from them. But my system is wise to give me what I’m ready for. I’ve talked so much about self compassion and embracing our process - what is happening is the continual practice and embodiment of what I believe is powerful and healing. And it’s not easy.

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Art process:

Ever since I painted in the Create Together session, I haven’t touched my paints. It’s actually nice to reflect back on…I didn’t and don’t feel guilt for it. I used to feel bad when I didn’t paint or make “art” for awhile. Now, I see that what I do on a daily basis is part of my creative process. Every conversation. Every time I prioritize my rest and joy. Every time I give myself space to sit with what’s present. Every time I don’t force myself to do something that isn’t in alignment. It’s all art. It’s all part of my thriving journey.

I can feel new art pieces brewing in me. Next month I’ll show up what I come up with!

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Create together:

In July, I led my first Create Together session, and it was such a sweet time. For those who aren’t familiar with Create Together - it is a monthly BIPOC online gathering where I carve out time for us all to create art together. You can do whatever medium and form of art you like, and after our time where we do our own art, there’s an optional space where folks can share their experience. I started it, because even as an artist I find it hard to show up for myself consistently. So I thought it would be supportive to set aside time to nourish ourselves together.

Excited to see it continue to unfold. If you’re interested in learning more about it and want to register, you can check it out on my website! The sliding scale is $5-25 made possible through my BIPOC Healing fund.

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Art + Healing mentorship:

I have two more spots open this summer/fall for my mentorship offering. If you or you know of someone who might align with me and my work, I have openings for free consultations to see if we would be a good fit. I don’t think I’ll be leading any group workshops for the remainder of this year, and will be focusing on smaller offerings like this one.

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my birthday:

I’m turning 32 on the 14th!! August is always such an invitation for me to reflect and feel so much deep gratitude. I would love to invite you to contribute my BIPOC Healing Fund! It keeps Create Together and the mentorships accessible for BIPOC and helps me sustain this work. The labor is so much more than the hours I use to prep and lead my spaces - it’s the practice of years of embodied wisdom, healing, and energetic boundary setting. I invite you to continue to support me so that my work can flow from a place of connection and sustenance.

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: June

SUmmer energy

Can you all believe we made it to summer? Every time I sit down to write these monthly updates, I get stunned at how time time is so slow and flying by. Something different happened in June: I felt more energy behind my work and projects. And more energy means my capacity is expanding. YAY it’s a good thing, because I’ve felt like I’ve been in a long long season of hibernation and recovery. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still taking things low and I’m doing some deep healing, but it feels good to feel some energy and excitement. It’s nice to be outside and look at the trees, birds, and flowers - and feel that same energy around me.

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inner child art:

A few weeks ago in therapy, a really young inner child made herself present. What surfaced was this deep grief of her being aware of too much. Of how she affected others and her play was almost performative. My adult self was really called to explore reclaiming that kind of play I wish my inner child had more of - completely free of outcome, curious, uninhibited. So my therapist suggested that I dedicated time to do art that welcomes that very young part of me. So I took out Kraft paper, which I don’t ever use in my art practice or for work, and I followed my inner chid’s promptings. I found that she wasn’t as concerned about colors or how the paint looked on the paper, but she found enjoyment through the kinesthetic experience. She loved the bigger movements and how the paintbrush felt in her hand as she moved her arm back and forth. The art was more in the movement. I’m inspired to continue to do art that’s separate from my art “work” and to stay curious of what these sessions could reveal.

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coregulation with animals:

I had the honor of petsitting for some dear friends! They recently got a new kitten, and it was so nourishing to be with the dog and kitten. I watched them start developing their own relationship with each other, which was really cute to watch. I also felt my body so at ease when I was with these two - coregulation was happening all around. It really reminds me how we aren’t meant to live isolated lives. And I’ve been reflecting on how living alone in this pandemic has been - especially how dysregulated I’ve been without another person or animal to regulate with. One of my cutest things was how they followed me from room to room when they were awake. That second photo was taken when I just came out of the shower, and they were patiently waiting side by side for me to come out :). Just as much as they helped me to regulate, and I think it was reciprocal on their end too!

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books:

Yolk by H.k. Choi

I’m still reading and really enjoying this book!

Crying in h mart by Michelle Zauner

I impulsively started this book in June too - not knowing it was also about loss. Yolk and Hmart are definitely thematically similar, but I am so invested and loving both of these books. I’ve just been taking it slower than usual, because it’s bringing up so much deep feelings. I love how literature can really pull out the parts of you that can be hidden for so long.

All about love by bell hooks

I felt called to finally start reading this book. All my trauma and race books feel too activating for me right now. But the addressing of love while not excluding systems of oppression - its just right for this season. Excited to get deeper into this book! So far it’s already hitting me in a really meaningful way. Here’s a quote from the book that spoke to me:

“Our silence shields us from uncertainty. We want to know love. We are simply afraid the desire to know too much about love will lead us closer and closer to the abyss of lovelessness....it is easier to talk about loss than it is to talk about live. It is far easier to articulate the pain of love’s absence than to describe its presence and meaning in our lives.”

— Bell Hooks

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things that brought me joy:

I was hammocking the other day under these trees with berries. I texted a friend who said they might be June berries, and after looking them up - they indeed were June berries! So after I read Yolk for awhile, I had a little snack thanks to my neighborhood trees. It made me so thankful and happy to take part in nature and abundance.

Seeing the flowers and trees blossom and bloom in my neighborhood this spring has brought me alot of joy! Being in the pandemic has taught me to slow down more and take in my surroundings for pleasure especially as I take walks. So simple, but it takes so much practice to savor well.

I’m part of Albany Park Defense Network, and from that organization I’ve also joined a Spanish/English language group. Now that pandemic restrictions are not as tight, we meet once or twice a month at a community garden and practice our languages. It has brought me so much joy being in the company of some incredible humans while learning together - and laughing alot! After one of the garden gatherings, I came across the sunset by the river. I was overcome by so much gratitude for all the beautiful things that were happening amidst a challenging season.

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Food:

Missing my family and all the good food I enjoyed when I was in the bay!

When I was home, my mom dried (in the sun) bok choy for me to bring back to Chicago. Since my partner has been struggling with his health, I made a Chinese chicken broth. I didn’t have all the things my mom would usually put in it, but I included chicken, carrots, goji berries, ginger, and dried bok choy. Next time I will add more dried bok choy. It came out pretty good anyhow!

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reminiscing:

I love these photos! My partner and I do weekly checking (mostly through emails and sometimes in person), and one new question that we added to our check in’s is: what childhood memory do you want to share? Two weeks ago, we were sharing some childhood memories with each other and I pulled up some photos. And I came across these two. They really speak to me. I love that sweater I’m wearing! So many feels - especially as I’m doing so much inner child work.

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Juneteenth:

For Juneteenth I went to the DuSable Museum of African American history with a two friends. We also went to a Planks and Pistals Juneteenth installation. I’m continually reminded of my privilege as a NBPOC and that my pursuit of liberation is and will always be tied to Black femmes and trans folx. Doing my best is so much more than knowing the right words (which is important) and being up with the latest critical race theories (which is also important), but it’s embodying humility to what I will never know - the vast experiences of Black folks. And using my energy to dismantle white supremacy and anti Blackness within myself, in my relationships, in my community.

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My not so secret etsy shop:

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I’ve slowly been making my etsy shop more known! It’s been a fun side project and now that I’ve done it for 3 months - it finally feels real. If you’re interested in some march with messaging that resonates with you, check it out. Also, if you have any phrases/words you would like to see in the shop, let me know!

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Cheers to finding a new normal:

Now that things feel more “normal” than it ever has been since last March, it feels exciting and terrifying at the same time. I’m excited to being in (safe) contact with friends I haven’t seen for more than a year and doing things that aren’t taking a walk 6 feet apart. It feels relieving to know that I’m not trapped at home. But it’s also terrifying, because it feels like everyone is hopping back into their previous pace - but I don’t want that. The integrity I felt in my body in how I integrated information and healing has been powerful. I can’t go back into this rush to live in a perpetual dissociated stated. On the other hand, I’m also ready to come out from that freeze state from all the anxiety the pandemic has surfaced. Phew. It’s alot, but I know I’m not alone. Things will continue to evolve, and I’m trusting the process of contraction and expansion.

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Savor this summer:

I feel alot of gratitude for this season. Sending you lots of love and easeful summer vibes! Thanks for tuning in :)

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: May

Word of the month : Trust

Trust. Most importantly - trusting my read on my own body and my capacity. I’ve been seeing the fruit of my labor and healing through really trusting in my process. For a huge portion of this pandemic, I’ve felt incredibly sensitive and even fearful when I would get activated whether it was alittle or alot. The fear would come from a place where I wasn’t sure if I had enough resources within and outside of me to come back to a feeling of safety in my body. The fear that I would just continually spiral out. Now, I’ve grown to start trusting that even when things feel scary (and when I’m outside of my window of tolerance - for my nervous system / trauma folks) I will eventually settle back to feeling steady and at home in my body. This month, I definitely been activated and driven way outside of my window of tolerance, and I trusted that if I ride the wave - allowing myself to feel - I will eventually will come back to myself. And I did!

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I finally made it back to the Bay Area:

I haven’t seen my family and friends in the Bay since November 2019! It was so good to be back in the California sun and spending time with family/friends for a bit over 2 weeks. I was a bit anxious before the trip about how the transition from being alone and seeing just a few friends to being around people all the time - AND actually doing things. Thankfully I adjusted better than I thought. My energy levels definitely got low especially near the end, but I found ways to keep grounded. One of those ways was going on nature hikes and outings with my parents and spending time in the backyard. In this month’s blog, I’ll be mostly reflecting back on this trip. Hope you enjoy!

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tafoni sandstone formation:

My favorite hike was in the El Corte de Madera Creek Preserve (in Redwood City) to this sandstone formation. The hike was really easy, shaded, and so beautiful. There were barely any people not the trail. We took this outing on my first full day in the bay, which was such a great way to start the trip. If you’re in the area, I highly recommend hiking this trail to the formation.

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book:

Yolk by H.k. Choi

I picked up these two books right before my trip to the Bay, and I’m happy I did! Yolk is a young adult novel about two sisters in NYC. I’m only midway through, but IT’S SO GOOD. I already know I’m going to be suggesting this to everyone!

black feminist lessons from marine mammals by Alexis Pauline Gumbs

I’ve only just began this book, but I know I will gain so much energy, inspiration, and wisdom form it. This books from the emergent strategy series. If Emergent Strategy by Adrienne Maree Brown resonated with you, this book is right up your alley.

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my parents backyard:

As I mentioned, one of the ways that helped me stay grounded when I did when I was at my parents’ house was getting alone time in their backyard while soaking up the sun. It also was fun for me to see what my parents were growing in the backyard. They have a beautiful fig tree (as seen in this photo), mulberry bush, gooseberries, green onions, herbs, aloe, and other plants. My mom said she loves going into the backyard every morning checking up on the plants and tending to them. Something else we talked alot about was how much she enjoys hanging clothes to dry outside. Made me want to have that one day too. And here’s a picture of me in the backyard reading with the cutest corgi butt (my parents were dog sitting for a friend.)

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Foooood:

The first night my parents made me the yummiest fresh crab and rice cakes. I had alot of amazing home cooked meals. I’m really thankful to be taught how to savor and enjoy food that was made with so much care and love. Here’s a few food highlights.

One house bakery

On one of our outings, my parents brought me to Benecia where we walked along the water and had THE BEST bakery goods at the One House Bakery. The only regret we had were not getting more things. Pictured below is the yummiest savory scone and a ham, soft cheese, and butter baguette sandwich. The baguette was magical. We also enjoyed the raspberry passion fruit tart!

Salt and Straw

If you know then you know. Omg so good. That top flavor is rhubarb crumble with toasted anise. DIVINE.

Din Ding dumpling house

Other than my mom’s home cooked meal, the best meal we had was at Din Ding Dumpling House in Union City! OMG the soup dumplings were incredible. And the beef noodle soup was to die for! Everything is made in house and you can really tell the artistry that went into the food. I’m definitely going back the next time I’m in California.

francis ford cappola winery

I had a beautiful dinner with two dear friends of mine at this winery. The view and weather was so idealistic and the rack of lamb I had was amazing. After dinner we had a stroll in the vineyard - it was one of my highlights of the trip for sure.

I don’t have a photo, but my parents and I had INCREDIBLE ramen at Ramen Nagi. If you’re in the Palo Alto area, you need to go there.

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Childhood goodies:

My dad dug these out from the attic for me! It was fun flipping through drawings I haven’t seen in so many years. Haha I love the early 20’s vibe of the drawing!

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being back:

Being back in the bay has reminded me alot of things. 1) To cherish time with my family. 2) To keep on healing so that I can have capacity to advocate for what I believe in - which is the BIPOC community and being actively anti white supremacy internally and externally. 3) How powerful inner child work is (my inner teenager was really asking for attention and nurturing when I was in my childhood home). 4) I’m on a path that I’m so grateful for and proud of.

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Soulful abundance festival:

I had the honor to be interviewed by Elyse Preston for the Soulful Abundance Festival! It was such an enjoyable conversation about where I’m at right now, art, healing, ancestors, and all the things I’m passionate about. The festival is happening right now! If you would like to tune in, it’s free to sign up!

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art at Backlot Coffee:

Right before I left for California, with the help with some friends I installed some art at Backlot Coffee in Old Irving Park. It was so fun to see my pieces in a new space. I sold a few pieces, but I still have some available for purchase. If you are interested, please email me and I’ll let you know what’s still available. I’m taking the installation down tomorrow (June 4) - so unfortunately it’s too late for folks to see my art in the space.

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settling back in chicago:

I’ve been back for a full day now, and it feels really good to return to my studio apartment. It will probably take a few more days to catch up on rest and get back into my routines. I’m really thankful to have finally made it back to see my family and friends int he bay! I have renewed creative energy - can’t wait to share more of my ideas with you all. ALSO LOOK AT THIS MAGICAL TREE in my neighborhood park. This photo is completely unedited. I’m really looking forward to enjoying the summer here!

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take care of yourself:

Thank you for tuning in! Your support means so much to me. I’m going to be working on a new art workshop offering this month as well as creating a new art collection. More about that next time!

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: April

Yay april:

Oof march was such a deep intense month of grief and sadness. It was needed, but I’m so glad April was much more easeful. I felt the sadness and anxiety lift off my chest. I didn’t trust it at first, but day by day I gained more capacity.

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book:

Convenience store woman by sayaka murata

This was a fun short read! Highly recommend if you’re looking for a lighthearted thoughtful and funny book.

how much of these hills is gold by c pam zhang

Currently reading this book! So far it’s been super interesting and striking. Excited to see how it unfolds.

Here is the synopsis:

“An electric debut novel set against the twilight of the American gold rush, two siblings are on the run in an unforgiving landscape—trying not just to survive but to find a home.

Ba dies in the night; Ma is already gone. Newly orphaned children of immigrants, Lucy and Sam are suddenly alone in a land that refutes their existence. Fleeing the threats of their western mining town, they set off to bury their father in the only way that will set them free from their past. Along the way, they encounter giant buffalo bones, tiger paw prints, and the specters of a ravaged landscape as well as family secrets, sibling rivalry, and glimpses of a different kind of future.

Both epic and intimate, blending Chinese symbolism and re-imagined history with fiercely original language and storytelling, How Much of These Hills Is Gold is a haunting adventure story, an unforgettable sibling story, and the announcement of a stunning new voice in literature. On a broad level, it explores race in an expanding country and the question of where immigrants are allowed to belong. But page by page, it’s about the memories that bind and divide families, and the yearning for home. ”

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Ebbing and flowing:

So much about my healing process is observing my capacity and honoring it as I ebb and flow with my emotions. I’ve spent so long with coping with trauma by over riding my system and appeasing people. Now that I’m further along in healing, I’m slowly practicing trusting myself to ride the waves. Even though sometimes things feel really overwhelming, I’m learning how to feel all the sadness and anger and grief and overwhelm - AND trust that I have resources to come back down from it. To find grounding again. The more I let myself ebb and flow, the less scary it is. It still is very painful, but there’s a growing sense of trust in the process.

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inner child:

A realization I had this month was how I am really good at tending to my inner child when she is in crisis (which echos alot of how I felt from childhood). With my therapist’s support, I made the intention of tending to her every day when things are good, hard, and everything in between. Every morning, I write a short letter to my inner child. Most days I affirm her that I’m here and am not going to leave.When things are easeful, I celebrate her play and lightheartedness. This practice has been so supportive for me, and I’m definitely going to continue it!

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coregulation:

I had the honor to watch my friend’s cat for the whole month of April! Coming out of march, it was so grounding to have a cuddly cat to be with and to take care of. It made me so thankful for divine timing every step of the way. I enjoyed having this sweet cat coregulate with me especially in activation. And it’s been also so good to play and enjoy being in the present as he showed me how to prioritize rest and affection. What a gift to have had this month with him!

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new art prints:

This a long time in coming, but I FINALLY have prints available for purchase! They come in two sizes, and you can purchase them through my Art Shop. I’m hoping to add more to the collection - I will keep you posted.

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Food:

I made Chinese braised chicken with mushrooms (check out the recipe), and it came out SO GOOD. It was really savory and satisfying over rice. Highly recommend you trying out this easy recipe - especially if you can get your hands on dried woodear mushrooms. All asian markets should have it.

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Art sabbatical + shame:

I didn’t set a definitive end date to my art sabbatical. I wanted to practice trusting in my own wisdom of knowing when it is time to transition out of the art sabbatical. This time has been crucial in my healing - especially when it comes to functioning outside of self exploitation and capitalism. It isn’t that “efficient” (under the guise of capitalism) to take things slow and not to rush into the work I think I should be doing - aka facilitating workshops. I’ve noticed the pressure I have on myself to keep on proving to myself and others that I’m a valuable participant in society, and that has brought on the feelings of shame - that I’m not healing fast enough and that I’m not good enough as an artist or fellow human. That shame has been and could be so heavy. White supremacy and capitalism is heavy and convincing. But I have trust and conviction that there’s liberation in practicing another way and leaning on my community for support as we all do this healing and work together.

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Thankful:

I’m fully vaccinated! So thankful to have access to the vaccine - it’s helped greatly with my overall health. I barely had any side affects, and now I can have alittle bit more ease in this world.

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riding the waves of grief:

The anti Black violence, the racism that seeps into seemly every crevice, the blatant deadly ignorance, the exhaustion of it never ending. I’m practicing riding the waves of grief as they come. There’s so much to grieve. I’ve been holding strong boundaries with news and social media - not to fall for the sensationalization of BIPOC death. That sensationalization of violence isn’t for BIPOC. It’s for the white gaze. It’s for performers. So while awareness and bringing things into the light is important, the honoring way is to do it in a way that actually benefits BIPOC communities and individuals. Mutual aid going straight to individuals is how to do it. Celebrating life is too boring for the media - so how are we celebrating life and joy in all it’s shimmering multifacetedness? This society isn’t interested in dismantling the system and preventing death and violence. So how are we burning it down internally and externally? This is the long haul folks. We need to take care of ourselves so we can take care of each other.

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So it continues:

Another month has come and gone. I’m going to keep on creating and figuring out creative ways to thrive and sustain myself. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me and say hi!

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Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: March

it was a hard month:

Wow. On a personal and collective way - this month was really rough. Personally, I can feel that I’m healing and shedding alot. It’s not the prettiest or easiest thing, but it’s part of the process of healing and growing. I’m practicing not functioning outside of my capacity, which I have been most of my life. So not normalizing it feels like such a big shift. It doesn’t feel natural yet, but honoring myself and my capacity is so worth the discomfort.

I’m not going to write about the anti Asian racism/violence, because it feels too raw for me. All I want to say is that there is so much grief. We have to keep on dismantling white supremacy and taking care of one another.

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book:

I blew through this book! It really helped me give my nervous system breaks from all the intensity. My favorite part of the book is how it referenced the sun and it’s nourishment. That resonated with me alot. If you’re interested in reading it, here’s the synopsis:

“Klara and the Sun, the first novel by Kazuo Ishiguro since he was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature, tells the story of Klara, an Artificial Friend with outstanding observational qualities, who, from her place in the store, watches carefully the behavior of those who come in to browse, and of those who pass on the street outside. She remains hopeful that a customer will soon choose her.

Klara and the Sun is a thrilling book that offers a look at our changing world through the eyes of an unforgettable narrator, and one that explores the fundamental question: What does it mean to love?”

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soothe through painting:

Painting has been really grounding through the intensity. After I create the design I want, every part of the painting needs usually 4 layers to achieve the opacity I want. I love this part of the the process, because it’s very repetitive. I don’t need to think about much, but repeat and focus on the lines and corners. This repetition helps with my rumination and mind chatter as I drop into my body. What a relief!

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spring is here:

We had a snow storm in March, and I think spring is officially is here to stay. I love looking outside my window and seeing green leaves budding. Occasionally I have little friends pop by! It gives me so much joy to be reminded how nature reminds me there are times where we slow down and shed, and then there are other times where we grow and bloom. Always trusting in the seasons and constant evolution. I will not be in this season forever.

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Partnership:

My partner and I celebrated our year and a half anniversary! I’ve been reflecting so much on our relationship and the seasons we’ve been through. And how weird is to have spent most of it in this pandemic. During this season of healing and my heightened sensitivity, it’s been a learning curve for the both of us. I’m learning how to express myself with openness and to let him support me - as well as teach him how to support me well. And it’s not always easy. Sometimes I project my own insecurities of being too much or too sensitive onto him - kicking up my fear of abandonment and rejection. When that happens, it’s been a good opportunity for me to be honest of the impact of his words/actions while owning my own projections and fears. For my partner, he’s learning how to meet me where I’m at and how to hold space for me. We are very different humans, but it’s healing to be on this journey together with him.

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music:

Introspection remained by umi

I’ve been listening to this EP on a loop for awhile - it’s fun to hear their reinterpretation to the original album. My favorite track is “Bet Reimagined.”

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art archive:

I decided to start an ART ARCHIVE where I can document my artwork as well as my thoughts about it. I started a collection of work called “Time Travel.” This is my statement on the series:

This time travel series is inspired by the fluidity of time, space, and memory. In this pandemic, I've been exploring how interconnected and in movement everything is - from intergenerational trauma/healing to inner child work. I’m exploring traveling in and through the non linear relationship of time and space with curiosity, play, respect, and openness.

I’ve been really enjoying painting and writing. Releasing timelines and pressure how my art process should look like. Sometimes I have more capacity to paint, and I honor it. Sometimes I have capacity to write about the process, andI honor it. And sometimes I don’t have capacity to create, and I honor it.

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toxic positivity:

For the past few months, I’ve been doing free lance facilitation for a non profit, and in this past month the team had a great conversation about something that I’ve also been thinking alot about. When leading a group, it is easy to over ride the participants and spread “positivity” or paint an ideal picture of how things should be. While it’s important to provide resources, it’s more important to meet people where they are at. It’s more important to create a large enough space where it’s big enough for a participant to be honest with having a hard time and big enough for another participant having a joyous perspective. I’ve noticed what happens when “positivity” is pushed onto people: it encourages shame and loneliness. I’ve felt that myself - hiding my sadness or anger.

That’s why I feel so strongly about leading from an anti oppression lens especially when serving the BIPOC community. Toxic positivity is very dangerous. I see it every where especially white spiritual and healing spaces. It’s easy to flatten the experiences of the participants and identities, because to make room for the range of experiences of all the intersections - it takes alot of consideration. When that consideration and wisdom is applied, harm reduction is being practiced.

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Etsy:

I’m trying something new and low key (eek!). I created a few tote bag designs and are selling them on Etsy. Check them out here!

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lots of self permission:

I’ve spent so much of my life over riding my capacity and appeasing people around me. I’m in a special season right now where I’ve slowed down enough to be able to really gauge myself and start recalibrating. I’m trying to not let work, art, social situations, or anything cross my boundaries that I have set. It’s not easy, but I’m practicing giving myself permission to feel all the things fully and for the duration it needs. All the self permission to let the grief come in a big wave and recede when it’s ready. This is such a tender season! I am so grateful for my community supporting me through it.

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Thank you

for tuning into my corner of the world! Sending you all the love.

---

Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: FEBRUARY 2021

ups and downs:

So many micro and macro ups and downs! I don’t know if you can relate, but this pandemic has really opened me up to this level of attentiveness to internal and energetic shifts. I think that pre pandemic I was pretty aware, but the business and level of dissociation distracted me from this deeper level of tuning in. This season of deep healing has been very tender and so very needed. I hope that we can continually encourage each other exactly where we are in our life seasons - no need to rush.

Mortality:

February was an existentially heavy month. As we are approaching the one year mark of being in this pandemic and grieving all the lives that have been lost, I can feel this collective sadness. I’ve been thinking and talking alot about how life is fragile and so short. It’s not a new thought, but I’ve been feeling in my body so intensely. Sometimes it’s a struggle not to lose myself in fear of what could be or who I could lose. So many people around me have lost loved ones and I’m in no delusion that I’m exempt from it. It took so much energy for me not to freeze in knowing the possibilities. The thing that I come back to time after time is that I am not alone. So thankful to have dear souls around me where there is reciprocity and deep care.

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Lunar new year:

Celebrated Lunar New Year with two quarantine friends! We made dumplings and had delicious lunar new year food. I reflected on celebrating Chinese New Year with my family and my relatives growing up - so thankful to have preserved parts of the tradition. And I’m excited to continue to reclaim different traditions and celebrations from my lineage.

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Books:

Breasts and Eggs by mieko kawakami

I’m half way through this book, and I’m really enjoying it. It addresses so many societal issues through storytelling and imagery that is really resonating with me.

Caste by isabel wilkerson

I’ve been sitting on this book for a few months, and I finally started it. Practicing listening to my body and taking lots of breaks. The subject matter is so real and relevant - too real and relevant. My partner and I decided to do our own book club, and we are reading this together. Discussion of part 1 will commence this week!

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PMS:

If you’ve been following me for awhile, you might know I struggle with intense PMS (not sure if I have PMDD.) Depending on the month, it could be mild to severe. And February was severe. It’s astonishing how hormones can alter your perception of reality. I felt like the anxiety in my body would never leave. The anxiety was physically buzzing through my limbs down to my fingers and toes - it was horrible. Normally I can feel my anxiety, but being on my PMS pumped it up to 100. Thank goodness for my community and therapy.

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More fun:

Something I’ve been working on is finding ways to give my nervous system a break. My therapist was encouraging me to practice backing off from heavy healing work by having fun. I got a Nintendo switch and have been playing Animal Crossing! It’s been a good opportunity to give myself permission to relax and have fun. The game is so low key and has just enough choices in activity to keep me engaged. So far I’ve noticed that it has helped me keep from fixating on things that I don’t have control over and it also feels nourishing to my inner child.

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Partnership:

My partner and I are coming up to a year and a half of being together. February feels like a landmark for me, because I began seeing fruit from doing alot of work with my deep abandonment wounds as well as deepening trust between my partner and I. There’s so many things that could trigger my fear of being abandoned or rejected, and I could so often feel my internal protectors being on guard - even though my partner has never done anything to purposefully indicate that he would abandon or betray me. In this season, I can feel the different parts of me feeling more confident and soothed by this partnership. I’m reminded that it takes time. It takes time and consistency to gain trust in ourselves that it’s ok to trust and be vulnerable.

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instagram:

I really havn’t been vibing with instagram lately. The feed isn’t particularly inspiring or nourishing, and posting on there doesn’t feel in alignment. It’s really interesting, because I’ve talked to many people and they feel the same. My boundary with IG is that if it doesn’t feel good to be there or to post, I don’t have to be there or post.

I’m beginning my art sabbatical next week - so as my capacity shifts, I won’t be surprised that my capacity with IG will also shift. The next few months might be a good opportunity to experiment how to engage with social media that encourages more local and personal movement.

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Food:

viral feta and tomato pasta

At the beginning of February there was news that feta cheese was sold out in Finland because of this pasta recipe. So this recipe went viral. And I tried it! It was pretty good - not sure if I would make it again, but it was fun to see what the hype was about.

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tv show:

Singapore social on netflix

Watched season 1, and I liked it more than Bling Empire! It’s reality tv - nothing super deep - exactly how reality tv should be.

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eyeglasses:

I had my first eye exam as an adult recently, and the doctor said I need to be wearing glasses! So I’m adjusting to wearing glasses and also in search of the most comfortable pair. More updates to come!

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blast to the past:

My mom texted me this photo recently, and it made me smile. A true Leo - child of the universe - so much extra-ness. I’m reminded to have fun and enjoy being extra when it feels good!

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Facilitating:

This weekend will be the last week of this series! Time is so funny. I’ve been learning so much in being a space holder and what is it like to put in labor as well as having capacity to receive wisdom. Trust is such a big piece to this process. Trusting the participants to show up authentically. Trusting myself in being worthy of this work. Trusting the ancestors of the group to come through with all the intergenerational medicine. Trusting that we are all on board figuring out how to interact with ourselves and each other in a way that is compassionate and humanizing.

Going into my indefinite art sabbatical, I’m excited to keep on digging in and exercise my own artistic expression.

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thankful

Thankful for this life and thankful for those in my life that sees, hears, understands, and loves me. I hope that I can continue to cultivate relationships and spaces where that is a shared experience.

---

Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: JANUARY 2021

New year same vibes:

This January felt like a year and time is still weird in 2021! It honestly seems bizarre that so many things were crammed into one month. I’m feeling thankful that we’ve made it this far, but not disillusioned that this year won’t have challenges like 2020.

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January 1:

I didn’t get a cat! But I am a cat auntie to my friend’s cat, and I got to begin the year with cat cuddles at my studio. It gave me alot of comfort to have this cutie in my home. We began the year with new year reflections, journaling, intentions, and cuddles. Maybe one day I’ll adopt a cat/dog, but not anytime soon!

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Books:

Chemistry by weike Wang

This book was a quirky fun book that I really enjoyed. It made me laugh and fit the mood I was in earlier this month. I would rate it 3.75/5. If you’re looking for a light and interesting read that has great insight from a Asian American and neurodivergent perspective, this might be a good fit!

Pachinko by Min Jin lee

WOW. This is has been on my book list for a long time, and I am so glad I finally got to it. I already know this will be a treasured book for me probably for the rest of my life. If you aren’t familiar with the scope of the book, learn more about it. I’ve thoroughly have enjoyed it, learned so much, and made me reflect. 5/5.

We will not cancel us by Adrienne Maree Brown

The way Adrienne Maree Brown writes and imagines always hits me in the most convicting and inspiring way. Even though this book is really short, I’m taking my time reading it - letting myself digest.

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Posted on my instagram:

“HW: have more fun

In my recent therapy session, I felt such an overwhelm in my body of all the things I feel like I’m tackling in my healing process. So many things felt pressing. In everything I do, I feel like I’m putting labor in healing, which is such a privilege - but sometimes it feels more weighty than nourishing.

My therapist reminded me I need to practice giving my nervous system more breaks and I need to have more fun. It’s literally necessary for my system to be distracted from all the heavy lifting healing work. Pleasure activism and rest is something I always think and share about, but in this season I’m challenged with actually letting that knowledge drop down deeper into my body. I’m trying to remember that this is the long haul.

So my homework is: Have more fun.

I think I’m going to play video games for the first time since I was a kid! Sounds like a fun winter pandemic outlet. 🎮”

UPDATE: I bought a Nintendo Switch and Animal Crossing. I’ll report back in a month!

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Winter thoughts:

Chicago winters are BRUTAL. I know it’s just February, but so far I’m happy to say that it’s been enjoyable so far. Maybe it’s because I don’t have to commute anymore? Or maybe things have slowed down enough for me to actually enjoy seasons? Not exactly sure, but I’m taking this opportunity to take note of these shifts. I’ve been saying this alot, but it feels like we all shifted dimensions with this pandemic. Everything post March of 2020 feels different - even the seasons feel different. And I know that we all feel it collectively.

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NDNXazn article:

It has been really encouraging to see the NDNXAZN project being shared on different platforms. Read this article that CTV did on the project!

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starting facilitating again:

I took a two months off from facilitating, and I’m so glad I did. November and December were rough for me - holidays were really hard. Something I’m continually learning and trusting is being able to take inventory of my capacity and find creative ways to honor my capacity as well as make a living. It’s not easy, but I’m committed to showing up to my community from a place of resource and mutuality.

Starting the series was really daunting, because it felt like awhile since I held space for a group. But the experience of the three weeks were so generous, tender, and so replenishing for the group and me. It was the smallest group I’ve lead - and it was for a reason. I believe it was exactly what the group and I needed. This is a note for me to continue to lead from a place of integrity and vulnerability.

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STOCKS???:

All I have to say is that this whole GameStop phenomenon taught me a few things:

1. Basic understanding of stocks work and vocabulary

2. How corrupt the system is (no surprise)

3. How to start investing in stocks for the long term and bitcoin

4. How important financial literacy is and how hidden it is to the public

I’m thankful for my partner spending the time teaching me about all of this! I feel more informed to make more wise financial decisions. Everything is weird! Who am I??

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Food:

Taiwanese beef noodle soup

I made this instant pot recipe for the first time, and it turned out REALLY GOOD. It really hit the spot since it’s been so cold. The recipe is really easy to follow, and I’ll definitely be using it again.

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tv show:

Bling empire

I really enjoyed this show! I don’t condone furthering the model minority myth, but it was fun to see a reality tv show that portrayed Asians. If you’re feeling like watching reality tv, try this one!

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Coping tool:

During this pandemic, these noise canceling headphones have been such a security blanket for me. Neighbor noise (walking, moving, tv) or any noise has become a trigger for me…making me feel like my own home isn’t safe and peaceful. So whenever there is noise or when I’m feeling sensitive, I wear these headphones and put on calming music. And sometimes I put on earplugs to block out more noise. Thankful for things that support me!

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Learning to trust my body:

A beautiful lesson for me recently is practicing trusting how my body/nervous system processes triggers and traumas. Recently, I’ve been less hard pressed to “heal” and tackle things. I’m listening to how my body wants to alchemize it’s experience and honoring that process. It’s usually slower and less intense than I’m used to, but I can feel the affects of allowing and trusting my body to do it’s thing. I feel more confident in the medicine my blood holds. I feel more confident in my community to support me well. And I’m so deeply thankful.

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New workshop series:

I’m taking two weeks off, and then starting this new series! I’m super excited about it, because inner child work has recently come up alot of me personally. I think that art and inner child work pairs so well together. It creates so much space to have fun, play, gently heal wounds, celebrate, and grieve. If you’re interested in learning more about, visit my website. Sign up quickly, because it starts on February 13.

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black history month:

Learning true history, educating ourselves with how the system works, investing in BIPOC liberation, and dismantling internal and external anti Blackness is every month, every week, every day. As an non Black POC, I am responsible for doing that work and holding myself accountable. And I love being in a community that embodies pursuing liberation from a systemic and personal and interpersonal way! Here are a few posts I appreciate. Click on the images to go to the original post.

@theconsciouskid

@theslowfactory

@mckensiemack

@joycekittyllama

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Hang on

Join me this February prioritizing taking breaks, having fun, resting, and finding humor in the ridiculousness of life.

---

Thank you

for your support!

JOURNAL: DECEMBER 2020

reflecting:

We made it to December folks! Can you believe it???? This month was marked by lots of reflecting, grieving, setting intentions, gratitude, and making comforting food. Winter solstice + the great conjunction happened and it was intense. I feel tangibly how I and WE are healing. It’s not the kind of feeling that’s super celebratory, but it’s this deep hope that all this soul work isn’t in vain. Things aren’t going to magically be better in 2021, but things are shifting. I know that we will see some of the harvest of the deep roots nourishment and healing we’ve done this year.

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AMB + Sonya Renee Taylor:

THIS TALK WAS MY FAVORITE BY FAR. It was glaringly obvious it was two friends who adored each other. They talked openly, authentically about their thoughts about their roots, pleasure, activism, community, and grief. Every time I attend a talk with Adrienne Maree Brown I have this refreshed sense that what I’m pursuing and dreaming about is valid and necessary for more than myself. There was a moment that was really powerful for me - I felt my ancestors reminding me something very simple but profound. They reminded me I’m not only here to fight injustice, but I’m here to celebrate folks. That starts with being able to celebrate myself in my fullness and worth shamelessly. The more I’m able to do that, the more I can root my community on for their beauty and brilliance. Tears flowed as I felt this truth.

How wonderful to witness two amazing humans talking in delight and openness. It makes me so thankful I have people in my life that I can do that with.

After the talk, there was an after dance party - with Amorphous as the DJ. It was so fun dancing along to amazing music with a bunch of strangers and AMB. Here’s a sweaty joyful photo of me afterwards!

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Winter solstice + reflecting:

For winter solstice I made these Chinese sesame rice balls. It reminded me of home and helped me connect to the Chinese tradition of eating this dessert on winter solstice.

I reflected about how 2020 taught me to slow down like I’ve never experienced in my life. It gave me space for me to reckon and tend to old wounds. Wounds that not only occurred early in life but are also intergenerational. This year has slowed my process and pace down so much - I’m not interested in functioning in the old way. Even though it’s been at times very painful and uncomfortable, I feel so much more connected to my body. I feel like there’s space for me to be in integrity with how I am in relationship and how I’m approaching work.

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holidays during the pandemic:

I shed alot of tears of sadness and joy this holiday season. Even though I’m not usually home with my family for the holidays, this season was hard knowing that it’s been more than a year since I’ve seen them. There was a really sweet zoom call with my extended family on my mom’s side, and it reminded me of how I miss being in a room with my Chinese family. Thankful for other ways of connection while grieving what we couldn't experience in this pandemic.

Thankful for my 3 quarantine friends and my partner where it made this season more joyful! We enjoyed good food and meaningful conversations. Definitely not taking these relationships and every second I can spend with them for granted!

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podcasts:

something was wrong podcast

My partner recommended me the first season of this podcast, which is about an engaged woman and her story about finding herself in an abusive relationship. I was hooked, because the podcast did such a great job telling a nuanced story without victim blaming. I then listened to season 6 and then 5! I’m learning so much about human behavior - specifically about narcissist and psychopaths. I find it fascinating for so many reasons. One - it helps me be able to spot that abusive people better. Two - it’s showing me I’m not exempt from being victim of that kind of abuse. Three - it also helps me be aware of my unresolved trauma can enact trauma to others. Four - it has given clearer framework for my own experiences. If you’re interested in human behavior and are aware of your own traumas and triggers, I highly suggest this podcast.

How’s work? - esther perel

I’ve listened to every episode from “Where should we begin by Esther Perel,” which are recorded one time therapy sessions with a couple. So I naturally was compelled to this series about the relationship between work, individuals, and co workers or business partners. It did not disappoint! I loved how Esther Perel highlights how we don’t leave our own family systems and dynamics when we go into work. The “professional” work place is usually a mirror of how we grew up and relate to authority and peers. If you’re interested in some really raw conversations, I recommend this series.

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Books:

Didn’t get much reading done, because podcasts took over this month. But the two books waiting for me to give them more attention are these two books I’m still working on.

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honoring ancestors:

So thankful for my deepening relationship with my roots and ancestors. I was reading my December 2019 journal entries and what my intentions were for 2020. Everything I set my intentions on came into fruition. Definitely not in a way that I was expecting, but nonetheless came to be. I spent alot of time thanking my ancestors for guiding me and having my back. I can now see so many experiences and healing has happened in my life and before me - all with the purpose of contributing to the collective that leads to more liberation and thriving.

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comfort food:

Lo Bak Go - Chinese Turnip Cake

For this holiday, I decided to make lo bak go - Chinese turnip cakes! It was one of my favorite dim sum dishes growing up, and I’m so glad I tried this recipe. It turned out SO GOOD.

Cheung Fun - Rolled Rice Noodles

I got a pack of plain Cheung fun from a local asian market, which was such a treat! I put it in a pan with oil, sesame seeds, and green onions until they got crispy, and then tossed them with some peanut butter and hoisin sauce. *chef’s kiss*

butter mochi

I tried making butter Mochi for the first time! I used this recipe, and it came out AMAZING. I put it in the oven every time I wanted to eat a piece, and it’s so delicious and not too sweet.

egg on toast

I had this breakfast almost every morning this month - and I’m not even exaggerating. I boiled a batch of eggs at the beginning of the week for 8 mins - just when the yolk gets a jammy texture. When I’m ready to have breakfast, I would toast a piece of sourdough bread. Spread some mayo onto the toast. And then place a cut up egg onto it and sprinkle everything but the bagel seasoning on the top! SO GOOD. If I’m feeling extra, I would put chili oil and some greens on top.

Fermented black beans tofu

I really felt inspired this month to try making things outside of my comfort zone! This dish feels really nostalgic to me. It’s stir fried Chinese fermented black beans, garlic, edamame and tofu. First I pan fried firm tofu and then tossed it with the black beans and garlic. At the end I added some frozen edamame and finished it off with some green onions. This dish is so satisfying over rice.

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tv show:

I watched the entire season in two days, because it was really captivating. It’s about 8 young women stranded on a deserted island and about their stories coming up to the accident. There is a huge twist to the plot! I didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as I did.

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App:

I couldn’t help myself! I downloaded Chani Nicholas astrology app, and I’m glad I did.

art shop:

I put up a few art pieces onto my website! I’ve been meaning to do this for literally years. There’s always this block, and this month I decided just to do it. Trusting the process of journeying with my relationship with “work.” I added a few pieces from my exploration of old wounds and receiving support from my ancestors. This piece pictured above is seeing my old wounds as this thing that is there inviting me to tend to it - not like an enemy, but as a flower. And the colorful parts are my ancestors being beside me the whole time. I have other pieces that signified them having my back and covering me. I’m excited to explore this theme more.

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2021 Intentions:

2021 - may this new year bring transformation and deep healing both on a personal level and collective level.

My intentions are to find connection to my Chinese roots in a way that will be a cornerstone to the rest of my life - in how I move, communicate, offer my gifts to my community, and be in relationship.

I want to experience abundance and stability (mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially, relationally) with lots of laughter.

I want to continue healing my body and release trauma that is trapped in it, and encourage others to do so too (with lots of patience). My neck and shoulders are much better even as I’m writing this - yay!

2021 will be the year where I release short term (false) sense of control and find more confidence in long term vision.

Carrying on 2020 intentions: more joy + pleasure in every aspect.

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wishing you a happy new year!

Thank you for supporting me here on Patreon! 2020 has been beyond wild. I wish you all the space to just be. Wishing you all the space to grieve. To celebrate. To be thankful. To feel sadness. To be angry. To laugh. Hope we can all learn to honor our own and each other’s capacities and boundaries more. Hope we can continue to advocate for BIPOC while we keep on unlearning harmful ways. Hope we can expand our imaginations more towards building a world where BIPOC can be safe in every sense of the word - AND thrive.

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Thank you

for your support!